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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Miserable DP - will relationship counselling help?

15 replies

mangopasty · 05/02/2023 19:06

Reached the end of my tether this weekend with DP of 7 years (we live together, both have kids but not with each other). He goes through phases of very deep lows where he turns into a mood hoover, complains about everything all the time and despite my best efforts nothing helps him. As he's got older these phases seem to be happening more and more.

He wants me to be at home with him all the time, when I'm not at work he wants me sat on the sofa next to him, just watching TV nothing special. He's so gloomy and miserable about everything when his life is ok (financially we are secure, life has the usual stress but nothing major). He WFH running his own business and hates socialising, which doesn't help him I'm sure.

The final straw for me was Friday when I went out for drinks after work. I rarely get to do this and it was only because my team won an award and work put on drinks for us. He knew about it in advance but made it clear he wasn't happy, which is always his way when I ever do anything without him. I suggested he arrange to go out with friends (he never does this), and he didn't. Instead I got a lot of messages on the day about ordering takeaway, how hungry he was and wanting to know when I would be home. I told him a time, which wasn't late, but struggled to get a taxi and when I got home my food was cold (he was eating his). He then started shouting at me so I took myself away for the night. He blocked my phone's access to the internet (we live rurally so have no other phone signal) until the following morning.

We sat down to discuss it properly yesterday and he just wanted to talk about how he needs me at home, how I don't support him enough, don't listen to him, don't have enough empathy. I told him I find him suffocating and controlling, and I can't support him anymore than he does. I begged him to see his counsellor more often (he goes once a fortnight) or to look at anti-depressants again (he was on them when we met but stopped shortly after). I do love him but I can't keep this up.

He now thinks we need to see a couples counsellor. I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not, or if it's just a way to get someone else to tell me I don't do enough for him. But I don't have any other ideas either. So I'd like to know what others experiences are of couples counselling, is it worth a try?

OP posts:

Isheabastard · 05/02/2023 19:29

It will really depend on how good the counsellor is. If you do this I would suggest you do the research and find the right person. Or either of you could see a therapist separately.

I was advised to find a chartered clinical psychologist, not just look on BACP and choose the first person you see. The lady I have is £110 an hour. Less qualified people charge £50 an hour in this area.

The woman I see is very qualified and experienced. She has helped me so much. But in my case it made me see that I needed to divorce my husband.

I think yourDP is making you 100% responsible for his his happiness which is so wrong. He is also using his low mood as an excuse to control where you go and who you see.

MaireadMcSweeney · 05/02/2023 19:31

No, it won't help because he's abusive. The way he's behaving is controlling and coercive and won't get better. The only sensible option is to leave him I'm afraid.

oldestmumaintheworld · 05/02/2023 19:34

I'd give him the push. He sounds tedious beyond belief. Go out and get a life away from this joy sponge.

Isheabastard · 05/02/2023 19:36

I know you said he sees a counsellor, but I’d want to know what his qualifications and experience are.

I find it difficult to believe this counsellor isn’t advising your DP to be more proactive about his mental health, and that expecting you to not have your own life is not on.

Merlott · 05/02/2023 19:36

Sometimes you just have to throw the whole man away.

Mehmeh22 · 05/02/2023 19:39

Sounds dramatic, but blocking your Internet access is abuse at worst, coercive control at best. Infact the whole situation is coercive

He will not change the way things are. The fact he has a counsellor and nothing has improved suggests this. You're wasting your time and your life on him. Once you're well rid you'll realise he wasn't even letting you breathe.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2023 19:42

Its not you, its him. You are in an abusive relationship with him.

No point whatsoever in seeing a couples counsellor because abuse is not a relationship issue. This controlling man wants absolute power and control over you and in turn your kids.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Mehmeh22 · 05/02/2023 19:43

And...having been with a coercive partner and attending counselling with him, i can tell you right now it will make him worse after the sessions. They were torture because it was obvious he was the problem and he didn't like it

Ghostbuster2639 · 05/02/2023 19:45

You should not go to counselling with this abusive man. Get rid op.

GoldDuster · 05/02/2023 20:23

Couples counselling isn't for situations like this.

GinIronic · 05/02/2023 20:49

Get rid of him. He is abusive. He wants to go to couple’s counselling to prove to you that all the “issues” in your relationship is your fault. Don’t fall for it. Leave.

FrozenGhost · 06/02/2023 02:04

He blocked your internet access as a punishment? OP get out of this relationship! He's horrible. What's next? He'll get angry and take your phone and your car keys?!

MsMarch · 06/02/2023 11:05

Your problem is not that you have a moody DH. Your problem is that you have an abusive DH.

He is controlling and abusive. He is using his "moods" to keep you in line, and preventing you from having any kind of life outside of him. It's actually even more extreme than many situations I've seen becuase he wants you not only at home but physically next to him at all times. I assume you are being coerced in other ways such as sexually (having sex when you don't want to/haivng the type of sex you don't want), financially (who is paying bills/is he open about finances) on top of the emotional abuse you are suffering.

How old are your DC? Are they still at home? This is not a good situation for them either.

OhCobblers · 06/02/2023 11:14

He sounds bloody awful.
Not sure how you've managed 7 years. I couldn't stand being around someone like that. Very me me me and doing nothing to help their situation.
What is the set up with the property as you've said DP not DH?

AgentJohnson · 06/02/2023 11:25

It sounds like you’ve become accustomed to his abuse. If you ever went to counselling (which I do not recommend) with this immature twat and the counsellor deemed his behaviour unacceptable, he would sooner blame the counsellor and the world than change. Invest your energy where it would provide the most reward, which is getting as far away as possible from this prick.

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