Sorry this is long.
Weve been together for 2 years and we’re expecting our first baby together. Not planned as we wanted to be traditional and get married first but we are both thrilled and excited for our new arrival.
We aren’t living together currently as we both live and work an hour apart but we are in the process of finding a mutual area so we are nearby work and family equally and before the baby arrives.
It may be hormonal and completely unreasonable but I’m having doubts about our relationship in general. I have spoken to him about how I feel and he’s understandably upset but he doesn’t know how to correct it and move forward. I’m not sure what I want from him either. It’s made me consider ending our relationship and focusing on co parenting instead.
The concerns I have about us are as follows;
I don’t feel supported with my feelings or any concerns I have. In relationships you should be able to discuss issues with each other and tell each other if you’re feeling sad etc. and need some support or advice. I feel like I bottle up everything because he doesn’t seem to have the emotional maturity to be there for me during down days or moments I may have. It would be nice for him to check in on me regularly but he rarely does. If he asks how I am and I’m honest he doesn’t know what to say back and would rather ignore the elephant in the room than Deal with it.
He doesn’t make the effort to spend more time with me or make plans for dates or trips out. We both work long hours and are very tired so we stick to a routine of 2 or 3 evenings a week and as many weekends as we can manage. He often has chances to come more regularly but choses not to. I don’t expect him to spend every waking moment with me as we both need down time to relax, but if we were to live together he would have to make a journey daily. We don’t have plans for weekends he comes to stay, it’s often quite boring and I feel like we have no excitement left. It’s always me arranging plans and asking if we can do XYZ on a certain date. He usually agrees but it would be nice for him to initiate it or surprise me with a date or a day out somewhere nice. He’s only ever done that once and ironically it was to make up for an argument we had about his interfering mother.
I know this one is hormonal but some of the things he does has started making me go off him physically. I had awful sickness for the first 3 months and I’m only starting to feel more human now. He burps constantly and without any respect for doing it around me, it would trigger a bout of sickness when he’d finish a meal and burp non stop for an hour. It’s not even just a typical man burp he makes the strangest faces and noises while doing it as if it’s a hobby! I am sick of It and despite asking him to stop or go elsewhere he ignores me and continues. It’s added to the list of me noticing how immature he can be as he was a huge mummy’s boy up until his 30s and it’s been difficult undoing some of the damage! He’s also very messy and leaves the bathroom like a public spa treatment room.
Finally, I feel like we’ve lost some connection and chemistry we had at the start. I know all relationships flatten out slightly into comfortability over time, but it feels more like a friendship than relationship recently. A lack of romance and passion just makes me feel like a friend to pass the time and not a potential wife growing his child. We rarely have sex and when we do it isn’t great. He’s not particularly adventurous so it gets boring and disappointing if we do it regularly. I miss sex with passion and desire. It isn’t because of the baby because we discussed it, he blames it on tiredness but I don’t feel like he’s physically attracted to me despite assuring me he is. I long for the experience of a man wanting me and ripping my clothes off, which he knows, but I know I won’t ever get that from him. He’s very submissive and expects me to take control - in and out of the bedroom. I tried to overlook it as not a big deal but my pregnancy hormones are doing crazy things to me so the need is stronger than before. His last 2 exes left him for this very reason and cheated on him several times. I’d never do this but I can understand as a woman not having your needs met and looking elsewhere eventually.
I know these seem like I’m really picking at minor things and letting them blow up into larger things, but I can’t shake them no matter what. I don’t know how to work through them or if I even want to now I’ve seen what is making me so upset. I don’t expect anyone here to give me the correct answer but I know if I speak to anyone in real life they will have major concerns for me and the baby so I don’t want to make it an issue.
So with anyones sensible head screwed on can you tell me what you think? If I’m over reacting and being silly feel free to tell me. How would I ‘make’ him see how much this is hurting me and what needs to change? Is there anything you can see I need to work on or change? I know splitting up is taking the easy way out but I’m scared of living a future like my parents where I’m unhappy and stay for the sake of the baby. Despite the worries I have we did begin on a high and had a fantastic start to our relationship, I’d never been happier and knew I’d found the love of my life. Yet I can’t shake the feeling of thinking I’ll never be truly happy. I want our baby to have a happy family I just never thought I’d come to feel like this. Please help!