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Relationships

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Original poster

How often does your DP go out with mates ?

48 replies

crikeybiller · 05/02/2023 18:47

Exactly that.
I was in a 20 year horrible marriage with a misery who never went anywhere. He also hated me going out so I didn't, subsequently I barely have any friends.
Am now divorced and been in a relationship with DP for 3 years. We met in 2019 just before the pandemic so only saw each other for the first 2 years or so. We didn't go out with friends as couldn't really.
We're incredibly happy and I trust him. We go out as a couple, although not loads, and have holidays together.
In the last 12 months he's started going back out with mates. Maybe a Friday night every couple of months.
He goes back to his home town for the night out, generally texts me he's home safe and communicates a little throughout the night.
I have no reason to be suspicious or mis trust him. I just don't know how much going out is a lot because of my ridiculously unhealthy and controlling marriage....

OP posts:

Penguinsaregreat · 05/02/2023 21:37

Twice a month for a few hours in the afternoon. Sometimes I go with him as I’m friends with his friends.
I go out a few times a month with friends. We socialise mainly together.

Spudina · 05/02/2023 21:46

YABA by being mad that he is going out once a month, but I get it, after what you went through. If you want to go out with him more, you need to communicate that (but don’t tell him you have issues with the amount of time he goes out). It’s time to make some friends OP.

ladymacbeth · 05/02/2023 21:46

Plan 6 fun things to do through the year - weekend away, theatre tickets, new experience, gig, sports match, comedy, whatever. Give yourselves things as a couple to look forward to, so his social life won't make you feel envious.

In the meantime get out and meet people - walking groups, sports clubs, meet ups, work colleagues whatever. It's hard and it's a lonely feeling but it'll never fix itself.

Megapint · 05/02/2023 21:49

2 or 3 evenings week he will walk down to the pub for a couple of hours. Usually golf on a Saturday or Sunday. He goes away for a long weekend golf trip probably 4/5 times a year.

PrincessConstance · 06/02/2023 08:04

Once every couple of months. Either quick drinks or he'll go out all day.
Not that often really.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/02/2023 10:06

You need to separate out the issues- him going out is not an issue.
You both not going out together is an issue for you
You not having your own friends is an issue for you

Dont confuse the second and third issues with the non existent first

Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 06/02/2023 13:18

I moved to a new area for my DP just before lockdown.
I’m early 40’s. I knew no one. Even though it was lockdown, I made the effort to do the things that were allowed at the time - walks, outdoor coffee etc.
I joined walking groups and set up my own groups and made friends.

If it can be done in the middle of a pandemic, it can be done any time!!
You have to get out there.

Don’t try to only befriend the partners of his friends - you need your own, particularly if things with your DP fall apart - the wives and girlfriends will fall away from you very quickly if that happens.

garlictwist · 06/02/2023 13:34

About three times a week.

Livelifelaughter · 06/02/2023 14:06

crikeybiller · 05/02/2023 18:58

The night out is usually the pub all night then sometimes, although not often, on to a club.
They are in their 50s for context ...

I am in my 50s - my bf goes on long weekends with one group of friends 4 times a year and monthly weekend trips to see family. I have weekends away but much less. I found it really hard to deal with at first, but we make a lot of time for each other during the week. I think older people are more concerned about managing friendships because at this stage they are incredibly valuable and you have some many experiences shared with friends.I really don't think your bf is asking for too much.

LBOCS2 · 06/02/2023 14:12

DH is out playing football twice a week (weds eve/Sat morn) and occasionally has a drink afterwards, and then probably once a fortnight or so goes out either to see mates or to a gig or similar. Completely normal. I probably go out for sports less frequently than him, but socialising more frequently.

I'd say his occasional evenings out are not an issue but feel like one because you so infrequently do anything - either with or without him.

MiddleParking · 06/02/2023 14:20

You need to get very clear in your own head that it’s absolutely not okay to be cross with him for having a social life. There isn’t really a point at which it would be okay for you to be cross with him for that, as long as he’s respectful to you and your relationship. Crossness about him having friends and going out isn’t something you should have in your head at all, no matter what age he and his friends are. You could end up damaging what sounds like a good thing.

Livelifelaughter · 06/02/2023 14:37

crikeybiller · 05/02/2023 19:07

Yes I would really like to have friendships 😔
He has a great little friendship group from school, most of them married, they meet up every couple of months for this night out.
I would love that and of course I know that I need to build my own life but how do you make mates in your late 40s ?...

I think I'm worried I'm starting to rely on him too much. We don't live together but see each other 4 out of 7 nights a week and most weekends. It's a lovely balance after my horrible marriage but I need to get some friends to build my own support network I guess. Then I wouldn't be obsessing over his apparently normal social life.

I hear you! I am like that worried about spending too much ime together and worrying about time a part. I think 4 nights a week is a lot !

80s · 06/02/2023 14:42

Sounds like you need to a) find yourself more to do without him and b) go out and have some fun with him too.
I'm the same age, in a similar setup. I have a regular monthly meetup with friends, meet other people every now and then, do sports with a group every week in the summer, and sing in a group every couple of weeks. Go out with my bf at least once a week for a drink, to eat, to the cinema, on walks, dancing, with friends. I work from home, alone, the kids are adults and I have no family nearby so for me this is the bare minimum, socially. Dp has a dd 50/50 and a 9-5 job, goes to the pub to meet mates every one or two weeks, meets up with his best mate at least once a month and sees other friends in between. He also has no other family here and is v. sociable so would ideally like to be doing more, if anything. Going out puts him in a good mood so is great for me, too.

Your ex has really skewed your views by the sound of it.

Cornelious2011 · 06/02/2023 14:56

Once a month, sometimes the depending on if there's a birthday/ special event.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 06/02/2023 15:02

Once a month, they mainly come to ours though most weekends! Dp isn't a big fan of pubs/clubs and they understand we have kids so can't get a sitter.

I think once a month like you've said is fine.

Lochjeda · 06/02/2023 15:02

He goes round to a mates on a Friday night (no drinking) home about 11pm latest. I want him to go as need a bit of time alone by a Friday after a busy work week. He usually pops round one night in the week to another friends to play guitar. Drinking wise its maybe a couple of times a year at most.

UsingChangeofName · 06/02/2023 15:03

I would say he is going out far less than 'average' - whatever that may be.
It really is common for people - yes, even us "old people" in our 50s to do things on a regular, weekly basis with friends.
Very often that is around some activity - a Quiz night, or a walking football team, or running a Youth club, or a choir, or anything you fancy really.

One every 2 months, or even (from your later posts) once a month is really very little 'going out'.

What would you like to do ? Either together, or for you to make more friends of your own ?

Together - why not look up your local theatre or comedy club or live music venue and arrange to go together a couple of times. Or suggest doing whatever you used to do when you first were getting to know each other - be that meals, walks, going out for a drink, wandering round a museum, going to sporting fixture, or trying something as a 'one off' - say cocktail making or a cookery course or something.
On your own, what do you like doing ? Join a choir / badminton club / fundraising group for your local hospice / volunteer to become a Guide or Scout Leader / join the local rambling group / book club / knit and natter / yoga class / WI / Townswomen's Guild. There are thousands of things to do where you can meet other people - it will depend on your interests.

SallyWD · 06/02/2023 15:04

Your partner rarely goes out. Please keep your insecure feelings to yourself. I'd feel suffocated if my partner's heart sank when I went out every couple of months.

MusicWithRocksIn · 06/02/2023 15:07

Roughly fortnightly, as do I.

averythinline · 06/02/2023 15:15

you need to get out more!! you got cross hes going out for a beer in a month ??? that's really not on...
i probably go out/catch with friends once a week on average
we go out together about that...sometimes its just a walk the dog /pint sometimes we'll be out with few friends..
he does a monthly quiz and meets with other friends once a couple of months...
its more since dc older....

Slobbet · 06/02/2023 15:39

Not enough! Once a week. It makes me feel guilty as I go out two or three times a week to various hobbies

roarfeckingroarr · 06/02/2023 15:42

crikeybiller · 05/02/2023 19:19

He's just text me to say he's going out at the end of Feb for a beer with his friend. He went out at the end of Jan for one too.
My heart literally sank and I feel really cross.
I shouldn't, and I won't say anything but I hate feeling like this.
Maybe the two of us also need to make more plans as we've fallen into the staying at home watching tv, while I cook pattern 🤔

OP, it's worrying that your heart is sinking because he's going for a night out at the end of the month "after going out for one" in January.

I would say it's normal to go out with friends a couple of times each month. It might be more or less depending on situation with young children.

NatMoz · 06/02/2023 15:43

For me, I'm usually doing something weekly with friends.

My husband...he doesn't have friends he goes on a night out with as such but does hobbies once a week

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