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Original poster

I'm falling in love and need clarity

14 replies

doneitforthelulz · 05/02/2023 17:35

Been speaking to a guy online via an interest group for the past few years as friends, mutual interests. Broke up with partner in October and took our chat to a more frequent level. We are at this point speaking daily throughout the day

Insta, sending memes, chatting
WhatsApp, voice notes, chatting,
We voice and video call multiples times a day too

He's given me help through a difficult time too.

We just hang out daily now and he's heterosexual and he knows I have been in an abusive relationship so could be why he's not flirting at all.

Does he just want to be friends? I am getting strong feelings for him but we have not actually met as live miles apart and I plan to see him when I visit a major city by him in a few months.

Surely we wouldn't be chatting all day every day for four months if it wasn't going somewhere?

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 05/02/2023 17:37

Sometimes that’s enough for people and all they want, other times they want an actual real relationship.
The only way to know whether you both do is by meeting in person first of all as you may not have any spark in real life.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/02/2023 17:43

Surely we wouldn't be chatting all day every day for four months if it wasn't going somewhere?

I chat to my friends like that. So I wouldn't be too sure.

I think perhaps he thinks he likes you, but is waiting to meet in person before he sees if he wants anything more than friendship.

Original poster
doneitforthelulz · 05/02/2023 17:44

Newusernameaug · 05/02/2023 17:37

Sometimes that’s enough for people and all they want, other times they want an actual real relationship.
The only way to know whether you both do is by meeting in person first of all as you may not have any spark in real life.

That might be what he's waiting for yes. Thank you.

OP posts:
ethermint · 05/02/2023 17:44

Try not to get overattached at this point, he could be completely different in real life! So difficult with online stuff.

I would try to mentally detach from any outcomes and find a way to meet up (safely) to see if you click. Then take it super slowly to avoid getting hurt. Easier said than done I know.

Original poster
doneitforthelulz · 05/02/2023 17:46

It's good advice, sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else.

OP posts:
Johnisafckface · 05/02/2023 18:08

Newusernameaug · 05/02/2023 17:37

Sometimes that’s enough for people and all they want, other times they want an actual real relationship.
The only way to know whether you both do is by meeting in person first of all as you may not have any spark in real life.

This.

After my ex and I broke up I realized I enjoyed talking to my him more than spending time with him. We remained friends after the break up and I was glad that we did as l realized I would miss chatting with him but didn’t feel a need to see or be with him physically. I wouldn’t feel that way with someone I was really in love with, I’d want to spend time with that person.

Original poster
doneitforthelulz · 05/02/2023 18:23

Last night he said he wanted to train harder and sent me a picture of his upper body with no top on.

Is that flirting or is that just something a friend does?

He's not once been openly flirty.
He gets excited when I talk about visiting his area or even moving there (which I am considering to move closer in that direction generally)

He talks about what we will do, go for food, when I visit. I'm not even going to see him but he is going to come to where I am.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 05/02/2023 18:25

He wants you to inflate his ego telling him how good he looks. You don’t know this man. Don’t pin your hopes on this

FenghuangHoyan · 05/02/2023 18:29

Personally, I think it sounds like he's interested myself. You don't tend to chat to someone for months for no good reason. As others have said though, wait until you meet him before you fall for him as it might not work in real life. Good luck though.

Original poster
doneitforthelulz · 05/02/2023 18:35

FenghuangHoyan · 05/02/2023 18:29

Personally, I think it sounds like he's interested myself. You don't tend to chat to someone for months for no good reason. As others have said though, wait until you meet him before you fall for him as it might not work in real life. Good luck though.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Swimswam · 05/02/2023 18:43

Im old fashioned so I think he should come to your area and meet you. Or you meet in the middle.
Online is all very well but to really know a person you need to meet them in person - regularly over a period of months.
Have you done the freedom program? If your previous relationship was abusive this would be a great idea.
If he likes you he will make the effort - Im
in my 40s. Please believe me when I say this is how men operate. It’s ok for you to say I would like to meet you. And see what he says. But then he needs to make efforts. To put it in perspective of all the relationships I know - men value them more when they have had to make efforts at the start of the relationship - it makes the relationship more valuable/meaningful to then. EG my cousin as a poor student sold his Xbox so he had Money for thr train to go and see his now wife as he missed her so much.
If he doesn’t keep If as friendship and move on to find someone who deserves you and will treat you well.

Original poster
doneitforthelulz · 05/02/2023 18:45

Swimswam · 05/02/2023 18:43

Im old fashioned so I think he should come to your area and meet you. Or you meet in the middle.
Online is all very well but to really know a person you need to meet them in person - regularly over a period of months.
Have you done the freedom program? If your previous relationship was abusive this would be a great idea.
If he likes you he will make the effort - Im
in my 40s. Please believe me when I say this is how men operate. It’s ok for you to say I would like to meet you. And see what he says. But then he needs to make efforts. To put it in perspective of all the relationships I know - men value them more when they have had to make efforts at the start of the relationship - it makes the relationship more valuable/meaningful to then. EG my cousin as a poor student sold his Xbox so he had Money for thr train to go and see his now wife as he missed her so much.
If he doesn’t keep If as friendship and move on to find someone who deserves you and will treat you well.

He is really. I'm going down that way to see my mum. We are quite far apart but he will drive up from where he is to where I am so it is kind of meeting in the middle.

He could suggest he comes up to me but even I can see that would be a big risk, also my younger daughter is here, it wouldn't be appropriate.

He seems a very decent guy, we have spoken in depth about our lives.

I will be cautious but just couldn't take the intensity of my feelings at this point and made this sad old post.

I've not had a loving relationship for a lot of years, last one was abusive, previous one was a mess. I know I'm vulnerable because of that so I'm here instead of gushing to him or feeling frustrated.

I thank you all for indulging me.

OP posts:
Choconut · 05/02/2023 18:46

My advice would be, don't fall in love with someone you haven't even met. I would take a step back from constantly messaging, it sounds like you're falling into emotionally dependent territory rather than love. Make sure you have a great life and he is just an addition to it, don't make him your raison d'etre.

Original poster
doneitforthelulz · 05/02/2023 18:48

Choconut · 05/02/2023 18:46

My advice would be, don't fall in love with someone you haven't even met. I would take a step back from constantly messaging, it sounds like you're falling into emotionally dependent territory rather than love. Make sure you have a great life and he is just an addition to it, don't make him your raison d'etre.

Yes and I know this really. Thank you.

OP posts:
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