Concerned about my relationship.

[Anonymous1047]

Long story short my partner and I have 2 children aged 1&2.5years. Things were bumpy with him being present and failing to get out of bed and be a parent basically. To the point my parents noticed and we only see them 2 times a month. During my second pregnancy he stopped working nights when he got a new job and things got better.

I wasn't concerned about things being bad again until about 6 months ago. We began arguing more and a lot of the time we ended up spiralling into lots of tiny disagreements that exploded into big arguments. I've began to notice that his behaviour towards me has taken a turn in terms of raising his voice at me and calling me names. Also that in every argument I find myself apologising and saying it's my faulty when I don't always believe that, he hasn't ever apologised or taken responsibility for anything even when he doesn't wake up (which is happening again, even on school mornings for our daughter).

When he is home he is constantly complaining about the fact our children have toys out or small things that every household with children have (minimal washing up, laundry and toys). I do my best to keep it clean as my daughter who's just turned one is still heavily relying on me with breastfeeding, she was born early and has allergies so its a little tough on me and her as I have anxiety which flared after her birth. We are due to get married in December (was meant to be September but I wanted to push it back due to things not feeling right) when I asked this to happen he made me feel like I was awful for wanting it. He using cleaning a way to not be around the children in feels and they've started to notice and neither of them want to go to him.

I have also noticed that when we have sex we don't argue as much and that he's asking for it every day, I have had a really low libido since our second daughter was born and have tried to help it but I'm struggling. He has recently taken to telling me that my body belongs to him too and even after telling him I don't like it he still grabs at me constantly. I was a victim of SA before we got together which he knows and says he respects my boundaries but I am beginning to feel that he doesn't and that maybe things in the relationship aren't okay.

Your body doesn’t belong to anyone but yourself. So he can get that into his head right now. I feel like you have doubts about marriage which is understandable as he shouldn’t be saying those things and sounds like he also doesn’t do much to help support your or your children? What exactly does he do? 🤔

I am beginning to feel that he doesn't and that maybe things in the relationship aren't okay.

With very good reason. He sounds vile. I'm so sorry. Can you talk to your parents about this, do you feel they would be supportive?

even after telling him I don't like it he still grabs at me constantly

He raises his voice, he calls you names, he won't take accountability for his part in the relationship and he can't get out of bed. He makes excuses not to be around the children. He complains constantly and tells you that your body belongs to him, and makes your life less difficult if you have sex with him that you don't want to have.

This is not good. It's no wonder you don't want to marry him, and you feel something isn't right, it's because it's not. Your feelings are totally justified.

He's a lazy. moaning, useless, abusive sex-pest. Does he have any redeeming features?

In the beginning things were great, but now I look back I had moved out of my parents house within a few months and his sister (who he lived with in the start) said he was like this but he never seemed that way until we had lived together for a little bit. I have taken the past few months to find myself now my daughter isn't breastfeeding as much and I have realised so much. I feel as if I have allowed myself to get manipulated a lot and he thinks he has a form of control over me. I don't to to have a marriage or life like this. I'm in my early 20's and want to be the best mum I can but feel I can't when I have the dread of our next argument always looming. My parents aren't very supportive and never have been so feel stuck

he never seemed that way until we had lived together for a little bit.

They never do, or you wouldn't be there. What is keeping you stuck, is it practical and financial matters or not knowing what to do?

I'm sorry that this is happening to you it must be a really emotional and confusing time espeshially with 2 young children.
This relationship sounds extremely abusive !!
I think you need to sit back and think if you are actually happy and if you would be with him If you didn't have the kids.if the answer is no then get rid. You can't just stay together for the sake of the kids because the abuse and misery will only get worse and kids are extremely intelligent they will pick up on it and it could potentially effect the way they see their own future relationships. Watch lil Wayne's 'how to love' music video. It's so hard hitting but true , hope you are OK xx

Please don't raise your children in this environment. They will grow up thinking this abuse and dysfunction are normal, and they will go down the same path when they are older. You need to get away from him.

He is definitely emotionally abusing you, read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that" it will help you to recognise and understand all the behaviours.

Definitely LTB, you'll be much happier in the long run!