I know I’m in a toxic relationship but he does these things in a ‘jokey’ way

[Helpplz4]

This may sound so naive and I would be the first to point out to a friend that these things are red flags. But just boyfriend does these ‘red flag’ things in a sort of light hearted way. And I do challenge him on them.
i guess i imagined a toxic relationship to be that the person on the receiving end (me) would be a real ‘victim’ to these things and not stand up for themselves. I guess I also never imagined I would be in a relationship like this.
examples are- wants to know what I’m wearing incase other people ‘fancy’ me. I laugh it out and say don’t be silly but he does ask repeatedly.
has made me block my ex and not speak to him again. We were on civil terms and there was no reason to block. I did to make him feel better.
stops talking to me if I do even the slightest thing ‘wrong’.
told me not to tel him important things because he can’t be trusted not to tell his friends.

it’s hard for me to see this sourairon wirh clarity as when we are together we have a lovely time but there are many things that if someone else told me about then I would say they are very big red flags

Don't let him move in with you.

Yes, these are big red flags. You deserve better than this, OP

He's controlling OP and it WILL get worse. Ditch him now while you can.

He’s showing you his controlling abusive tendencies. The longer you stay, the more he’ll dismantle your ability to see what’s right, and the worse he will become.

Don't waste time trying to dissect his reasoning just fucking end it. You know you are in a toxic relationship so just end it.

Why on earth would you settle for this?

You’ve posted about this guy before (I recognise the thing about not being able to keep your secrets).

I would imagine you have a great time when you’re together if you do what he tells you to do. Like blocking your ex when you don’t want to and telling him what you’re wearing when you go out. You’re already adapting your behaviour to suit him. Are you asking him not to contact certain people and/or not to dress a certain way? Do you question him closely about who he’s with? I’m guessing not. He thinks he owns you, OP. This is control dressed up as caring. It’s insidious and abusive. Only you can decide when you’re going to call it a day but I would say sooner rather than later would be best.

You know this will only get worse.

So why do you continue seeing him?

It's not joky if he's taking all this ground from you and controlling you.

"You're dumped, hahaha, yes, really, hohoho. Kthxbai."

EVERY time he does his jokey coercive control with a merry smile thing, you say

" You're not funny, it;s not a joke. This is deadly serious; either you stop this crap or we're over. "

It will get worse, he has no respect for you.

There are some good programs which illustrate how these real can end up - murdered by my boyfriend- bbc iPlayer. Based on a true story and ‘I am Nicola with Vicky McCure’ on channel 4 illustrate how unjokey these behaviours can be.

Yes that is very controlling behaviour, he sounds very insecure. Up to you if you want this sort of relationship really. You're free to end it for whatever reason you want whenever you want 🤷‍♀️.

Change the word “but” to “because” in your title and it will start making sense to you.

Please tell me you’re using effective contraception?

👆Exactly this!

These 'jokes' will escalate both in frequency and intensity, like the boiling frog analogy.

He’s serving you shit with a joke and a grin.

And you’re eating it.

It will get worse. These people are prime manipulators and make you doubt the relationship and yourself for a reason: to suck you in. It doesn't matter if it's done in a jokey way or not. My ex used to claim I needed his input on my hairstyle so that I looked good and it was all for my benefit. In fact he was a controlling ahold.

Please don't continue with this. He will wreck you.

When did you forget that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none?

He sees you supposedly standing up for yourself (and you are truly not able to do this in his presence) as an additional challenge to take you down. He dies this because he can, in his head he is doing nothing wrong here.

Why stay in this, what are you getting out of this?. Are you his rescuer and or saviour ?. He will merely continue to destroy you from the inside out.

Reading Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft will open your eyes.

Highly abusive and you know it.

Silly woman carrying on with someone who ultimately means you harm.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to figure out why your boundaries are so poor and you place such little value on your well-being and safety.

He is not a good man or anything near one.

You deserve better than this.

it’s hard for me to see this sourairon wirh clarity as when we are together we have a lovely time but there are many things that if someone else told me about then I would say they are very big red flags

Of course you find it difficult to see your situation with clarity, @Helpplz4 - he is an expert manipulator who knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

The bottom line is that he is abusing you. Thats who he is, underneath the 'nice' veneer: an abuser.

Please check out the resources that PPs mentioned. They will help you.

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (available as a free pdf online)

The Freedom Programme (which you can do online)

Abusers often do it in a “jokey” way. It’s all part of the abuse and so it the lovely times- after all if he made you feel rubbish all the time you would leave

please leave now!