Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gone back to him again. Why do I do it.

15 replies

Singlemum1999 · 05/02/2023 12:13

I split with my DS dad about 9/10 months ago, he was abusive, cheated had gambling problems and we had a completely toxic relationship with his drug problem I'm nearly 24 and knew I had to get out. I started dating someone who was so amazing to me. He helped me so much, we didn't rush anything and we was dating for about 5 months. I've never had someone treat me so well. I've been suffering with a lot of MH issues and anxiety but he was there every step of the way with me. Now is the part where I messed it up.
I told him to go on my phone and get a discount code he could use off a chat I'd had with my best friend. He seen a message from the previous day which I didn't even think about where I'd said my DS dad had picked him up and he looked good, my friend had wrote you should invite him in next time and I'd stupidly wrote, I'd love to. He was understandably upset and anyway called things off. I didn't blame him but I was so gutted.
Anyway to cut a long story short I have gone back to my DS dad, he's promised he will be better. And now I am very much regretting it. Last night I went out for the first time in a very long time for a friend's birthday and seen the guy I was dating, he was drunk was told me how sad he was that we had ended, saying I broke his heart etc. The truth is I shouldn't be with anyone but why do I always go back to what's bad for me. I'm sat here so lost this morning that I have gone backwards again.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:19

Are you used to things being bad? What was your childhood like? Loving respectful household where everyone's feelings were listened to and looked after?

Original poster
Singlemum1999 · 05/02/2023 12:23

Very strained relationship with my mum after her and my dad divorced. Lots of fallings out and moved in with my DS dad and his family when I was 19.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:26

So you're used to putting your feelings aside for the sake of something else, then?

Member869894 · 05/02/2023 12:29

At a guess I would say you have low self esteem. I used to work with domestic abuse victims and that seemed to me to be the common denominator. If you work on that you will find the strength and courage to leave him x

LoekMa · 05/02/2023 12:29

You split up from a toxic relationship 9/19 months ago, ended up dating someone else for 5 months..you barely took a break aftee the first relationship.

Do you need to be in one to feel valuable? I think you need to take a break from dating

Original poster
Singlemum1999 · 05/02/2023 12:32

LoekMa · 05/02/2023 12:29

You split up from a toxic relationship 9/19 months ago, ended up dating someone else for 5 months..you barely took a break aftee the first relationship.

Do you need to be in one to feel valuable? I think you need to take a break from dating

I believe I do. I didn't plan on dating so soon but then it happened. Now that has ended I'm back with ex. Which I know I really shouldn't be.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:45

It didn't 'happen': you did it.

You need to take responsibility here. You are in charge. You're the boss. Your job is to design your life to make yourself happy. You pick the location and the cast. You are the crew. It's very rare for a thing just to 'happen'. Even if a bus hits you, it's still quite likely your responsibility because you weren't looking where you were going, and you fell off the curb. So much in your life is down to you and your decisions. Sounds heavy, but what it means is that you can change it, and there's nobody in charge to stop you.

How can you get out of the situation you're in, in a practical sense? Can you just walk out? Or would there be more steps (like finding other accommodation/claiming benefits etc)?

SmileyClare · 05/02/2023 12:46

I think you need to start taking responsibility for your actions. Things don’t just have to “happen” to you. You can take control and try to put your son’s needs first.

Your ds must be very confused to have a second man walk out on him in his short life.

Do you have nowhere to stay?
it sounds as though you lived with your ex and his mum and dad, moved in with your new guy and when that broke down- straight back to your ex’s place?

SmileyClare · 05/02/2023 12:48

Agree @Watchkeys that was an unfortunate cross post basically repeating what you said! 😬

Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:49

Great minds, and all that, @SmileyClare Smile

Original poster
Singlemum1999 · 05/02/2023 12:56

SmileyClare · 05/02/2023 12:46

I think you need to start taking responsibility for your actions. Things don’t just have to “happen” to you. You can take control and try to put your son’s needs first.

Your ds must be very confused to have a second man walk out on him in his short life.

Do you have nowhere to stay?
it sounds as though you lived with your ex and his mum and dad, moved in with your new guy and when that broke down- straight back to your ex’s place?

Sorry the story is a bit mixed up. I have my own home now which I rent when I moved out of DS dad's family home. We lived together with DS but I worked and I'm the tenancy holder, when things got really bad and when we split I told him to leave. I work and provided. The new guy I was dating wasn't in my DS life, just mine. We just went out on dates and he came over when my DS was with his grandparents or his dad.
My DS dad isn't back living with us, he's just been coming over in the evenings and stays sometimes, he looks after DS for me to work because he doesn't. He's spoken about moving back in already though.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 05/02/2023 12:58

So, in a practical sense, you could just say to him 'It's over, I never want to see you again except for communicating re DS', and that would be it?

category12 · 05/02/2023 12:58

It often takes people several attempts to leave abusive relationships and they often go back, so don't beat yourself up too badly - what you need to do is get yourself out for good.

Another bloke is often an appealing escape route and it makes it feel easier, but really you need to get your independence and your self worth right, which needs to be from inside, not from men.

Since you've been in an abusive relationship, and still are, you should try speaking to Women's Aid or local domestic abuse services, and try the Freedom Programme.

You're so young, please don't waste too many years with a horrible bloke who tears you down.

MadeOfSteel · 05/02/2023 13:01

You don't have to let him move back in. Can you just be on your own (with your child, of course) for now?

category12 · 05/02/2023 13:02

No wonder he wants to move back in. He's got his eye on being a cocklodger into the bargain.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page