Tell me - so I can tell ex-dp - why infidelity is "wrong" ...

[Twoddle]

Ex-dp and I separated in late November after a truly sh*t year. Towards the end, I later found out, he had started a fling with a woman he met in a nightclub, and seen two prostitutes - one of whom he is still seeing.

He doesn't want to finalise this separation absolutely - wants six months' breathing space. I am semi-OK with that, largely because of ds really. But I have said explicitly to ex-dp that I will not entertain having a relationship with him ever again if he cannot arrive at a place of first believing that what he did was wrong. I want him to feel genuine remorse - without it, there'll be no attempting to reconcile.

I'm not religious. I'm fairly liberal, in fact. But I do have a moral compass, and I think that what he did was wrong. It has caused so much pain to me, his and my families, and if he'd waited a few weeks until we'd separated, sordid it may have been, but wrong it would not have been. There are less cowardly, more respectful ways to end a strained relationship.

Please tell me why you think multiple infidelities are wrong ...

Thanks.

Because if the other partner believes they are in an exclusive relationship then it is completely disrespectful.

it shows a complete lack of respect anbd consideration for you and your relationship

i wouldn't give him 6 minutes let alone 6 months

if he needs it explaining, then you don;t have a relationship worth saving, IMO

multiple infidelities breach trust over and over and over, and unless you are both happy with an open marraige, it means one of you gets the security of marriage and a family life and the thrill of shagging around without repsonsibilities. and the other is left resentful and seething holding things together.

if you think it is wrong and he does not, then nothing anyone else says will particularly help

It comes down to lying, and being unable to trust someone.

How would he feel if he found out you'd been sleeping with someone else and had not bothered to mention it to him?

because we live in a society where marriage means one man and one woman. regardless of religious conotations. monogamy means just that. bigamy is illegal, but, i may be wrong on this, but adultery used to be, and for all i know, may still be. it is definitly immoral. even those religions where polygamy is allowed, it isnt the way that he has done.

however, i really dont think you will get him to understand this. leopards dont change their spots. if he isso lacking in moral values, tbh, he doesnt seem worth the btoher. good for you on dumping him.

If Infidelity is good enough to state as a reason to divorce, which it is, then that should suffice. If he does not see it is wrong, I would not waste my breath explaining it.

However, you can refer to both wedding vows and the ten commandments, should you so wish.

Sorry you had a shite year.

Personally, I think it is wrong because it is illoyal, and a breach of trust. Loyalty and Trust are the main components in a relationship, without it there can be no relationship.

I doutbt you will get him to feel remorse, if he cant see he did wrong, he sounds like a selfish twit.

Personally I don't think it HAS to be the end, but as you say, before you can start to build a relationship together, he has to understand that he must be faithful from now on. The onus is on him to convince you that his 'flings' are behind him, and that you can trust him.

What does he think the thing in the marriage service 'forsaking all others' is about? This applies to non-marrieds in a long term relationship too, especially if bringing up children (unless, as someone else says, agreed otherwise. No difference.

He sounds as if he needs to grow up.

because if he is unfaithful and doesn't tell you then it is a denial of your freedom, because you have agreed upon a code of practice to each other, if he decides to move on from that but doesn't tell you , you don't have the freedom to choose whether to move on too. so, his lying is a form of control. for instance you feeding him a dinner with poison and not telling him it contained poison. if you told him he could choose whether to eat it or make his own dinner. why do you want to lett him keep his options open if he is sleeping with a prozza? do you have joint finances?

he's still seeing a prostitute but expects that you will want him back???

Seriously, anyone who actually needs to have it explained to them why it is wrong to sleep with one (let alone 3!) other women when he is with a partner really is not worth worrying about or fighting for. It's one thing to be unfaithful and then regret it - it's an entirely different matter if someone cannot even see, on even the most simple level, why their behaviour is wrong.

I never ever say on these threads that someone is not worth being with but, heyho, let's break the habit... he really truly is not worth being with.

(from a man, by the way)

also it doesn't have to be wrong necessarily, all that matters is that it is not the kind of relationship that you want to have and it is unnacceptable to you, and you don't have to justify that

Thanks, all.

My sentiments exactly - on the "wrong" bit, anyway.

As ever, it's a bit more complex than it might at first seem.

Other threads on here in the past few months explain more background: essentially, a happy ten years, followed by a sh*t year and what seems like a personality change/potential mental health issue emerging within that time. ("Bipolar" has been bandied around a lot in the past few months, on here and in real life. It would explain some major changes in ex-dp's behaviour, outlook, energy levels, etc, and also the burst of unfaithfulness - to some degree, anyway.)

I suppose where I am coming from is, if he is unwell, and can arrive at a place of recognising and taking responsibility for that - i.e. trying to manage his mood extremes and their repercussions on others, and keep them more in balance; and if he can come to feel remorse for what he has done - genuine, sincere remorse - then in my mind, something resembling the first 10 years of our relationship would be worth trying to painstakingly recreate - with new, explicit ground rules, of course. If not, no go.

Btw, I did not dump him. We agreed to separate after tensions had peaked after a sh*t year. I then found out what he'd done in the few weeks running up to separating. And while separated, as much as it's no fun to think about, I figure that seeing other people during that time isn't actually wrong ... ideally if parameters are agreed first, though.

Of course it's going to sound feable, but ex-dp was a lovely, lovely bloke before the upheavals of the past year to 18 months. A really popular, well-liked, successful, compassionate family man with integrity. Something has changed radically, and I'm probably willing to not shut the door on "us" completely in case - with insight and willingness on his part plus outside help - he could change back ...?

Thanks again for posts.

T

Good point, cosima. Maybe I'll just spell out exactly what I would insist upon in a future relationship, and what I absolutely, categorically would not tolerate, and if he doesn't think he can deliver, we'll knock it on the head and spare the six months' limbo.

Thanks.