I know that my mother has tried to give me the best life she could and uptil now we used to have a super close relationship. But after going through therapy last year it has opened my eyes to so much and I can't look at her the same anymore which is breaking my heart.
A bit of a back story my mum was forced to get married at 18 to a narcisstic man 7 years older than her. His family are also narcissists and treated her like a slave. Me and my siblings were also treated very different from the rest of the grandchildren and it was always made clear that we weren't the favourites. Also, me and my siblings suffered from abuse from other extended family as my parents were such big pushovers and never stood up for themselves or for others. As adults me and my siblings have been able to cut them(extended family) off so it lightens the load.
However, growing up when I would get body shamed and bullied by extended family members it really upset me how they never stood up for me. Especially my mum. I remember we visiting family in London once and a man commented on my bum to his wife saying "I bet you could never have a bum like that". I was wearing a long skirt that day and had no clue he said this about me. I was an innocent 9 year old child. But this made my mother angry towards ME and not the pervert man. She stopped me from wearing long skirts because apparently people will talk about my bum. Things like this happened alot and I would always be shamed about my body and would feel disgusted about myself. This meant I grew up with terrible body image, eating disorders and body dismorphia.
I later fell into an abusive relationship. All I knew was abuse. I knew it was wrong but I thought people like me deserve it because it happened to me for so long and I was never told it shouldn't.
Another instance where her own brother made an inappropriate sexual comment about me, she didn't comfort me but told me to stop crying. She did confront him but it just didn't make sense to me why she would still make us visit him and why neither of my parents thought it's not a good idea. I always thought something was wrong with me and that I should work harder to maintain relationships and if I was thinner or smarter etc that none of this would happen to me.
But like I said therapy has opened my eyes to alot. And right now I just can't stand her. I did one day have an outburst and tell her some of these things she gave me an overall sorry and hugged me and seemed remorseful but it just isn't cutting it for me. I didn realise healing would be so hard and so heartbreaking all over again. Some days I wish I didn't see things for what they were and continued living in that bubble. I feel really alone right n0w. I'm just coming out of an abusive relationship. I'm dealing with these feelings towards my mum. Dealing with issues with my sister where she is shady with me then gaslights me. I thought I was doing as I really worked on my self confidence this year and realise I am worthy of so much more and have learned to love myself more, ive solo travelled and laughed so much. But I am reallt hurting and just hope I can make it through this. If there is anyone out there who can relate and has words of wisdom or encouragement I would really appreciate it.