Am I being selfish

[bored2345]

My husband

Has just landed himself an excellent job earning 300 per day . He commutes around 4 hours a day/stays over 2/3 nights a week so leaves the house at 5:30 home around 6.30/7 ... he has recently just been offered a promotion to second in command earning around £400per day . I'm really happy for him and the money is great but in the other hand he is exhausted , grumpy and asleep most nights by 9pm latest, does nothing other than help with the dogs etc. I also have my own business and get tired. Obviously not as tired but tired . I'm starting to feel abit bored and neglected and like a maid , We do try and have a nice day on Sunday and sat eve but by the time we've caught up on things it just feels like the days just blur into one and some days he just wants to watch tv on the sofa . I work from home so I'm the total opposite wanting to climb the walls. I'm bored and feeling lonely tbh . I live away from family. This job is a great opportunity to save money and get us our dream lifestyle but at what cost ? We have a good relationship and I will definitely not be going anywhere but I'm getting snappy and so is he . I think we are both struggling to see each other's world at the moment . Is it me being selfish ? Xx

To add . I said we have a good relationship, I probably mean used to 🥹

It wouldn’t work for me, but I’m not chasing a better lifestyle.

Would it change things if you set a deadline? As in you’ll both work hard for two years then concentrate on your lives outside work?

Are there kids involved?

If you live away from family & friends, work from home and he commutes 2+ hours each way or stays over 2/3 times a week, why don't you just move closer to his work?

@Nagado

That's a good suggestion. The company he works for is a lot more local and eventually when this project finishes will be closer to home . It's about 3/4 years I think . He's the happiest he's been in a job. It's so tricky . I have been thinking a relocation might be a good idea as about an hour closer to him will also make me only 30 mins from my family (my business is remote working ) ... but I know I'll be the one that has to organise the whole thing and it just makes me feel overwhelmed and the house prices aren't as great there too .

@ImpossibleGirl you must of read my mind 😂 I've just posted on this above x

I think it's about priorities and compromise. It would be helpful if you could both sit down and have a chat abiut what's more important. Money doesn't really bring happiness, it's the little things in life that do. If it was me I'd rather have more quality time with my partner and less money but everyone's different.

It's 6 days a week too :-///

I had a job that paid me £400 a day a few years back. I worked hard at it and did really well, right up to the point where I had a breakdown after a couple of years. Money isn't everything and it sounds like he's going to be burnt out pretty soon or single.

@RedHead33 fellow red head here :-)) . I'm very much in agreement. We are both 31 so I suppose we see it as a way to build a good foundation for our future . X

I think you need to talk to him then. There’s no point working all the hours God sends and putting work before your relationship unless there’s going to be a point where the relationship takes centre stage. You might as well be single. If you move closer to your family, you’ll probably feel better equipped to deal with spending so much time apart. Where do you both see yourselves in 2-3 years time? Are you both working towards the same thing?

@FenghuangHoyan my worry exactly !!!

It's tough. Earning that much money, you think you should be doing loads and loads, so you end up doing just that and worrying about it. You also end up getting used to the money.

I'm personally happier now that I'm in a more normal job where the pressure isn't as great. I'm still not fully recovered from the breakdown and that was six years ago. I know I could get another job for that money or more relatively easily now, but I'm not doing it, as my mental health is more important.

Maybe he should at least stay over all the time during the week and just do the drive Monday and Saturday. Otherwise it's an accident waiting to happen I think. Maybe you should both also talk about how long this will last and if it's sustainable.

@FenghuangHoyan I had said to him that I think he should stay over more but he says he wants to come home to me . To be honest sometimes he drives home just to go to sleep next to me . Sweet but not really needed. He has a camper van and we've found a lovely campsite for him for next week . Five minutes from his job . He can cook a-bit better take all his own pillows etc and be in nature a little more something he loves usually (camper is heated ) It's only £10 a night 😂. We can FaceTime without him worrying about being noisy and hopefully get some really good sleep. I really don't want to ask him to leave his job as he loves it but something has got to give. Im glad im not going mad here. I was worrying that I was becoming a needy nag 😂

@FenghuangHoyan sorry, that's in comparison to hotels and takeaways

@Nagado

He makes it hard to be annoyed when he's sleep talking saying he's a hairy potato and needs a Tickle 😂😂 fast.a.bloody.sleep 😂😂😂

Yeh I'm going to make a roast tomorrow and sit him down for a chat . He keeps saying I'm just doing my best for us but I don't think it actually is what's best for us .

Before this job we wanted to move to the seaside for a better quality of life 😂😂😅

Sounds like you've got a plan. Use the money to make both your lives as pleasant and sustainable as you can now. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you "need" the £400. He could spend £100 a day on a hotel and you'd still be quids in. It's nice that he wants to be with you, but I would be worried about the drive and his need for downtime.

Try and also plan a nice break somewhere. I asked my partner if there was one thing they wanted to do while I was on the decent wage and we did it and I'm glad we did as I remember that as a nice thing (taking the kids to Lapland over Christmas). Your have to have something to look forward to and you have to make sure you take time off (something I didn't do enough). Also, make sure he doesn't take on too much. They are not paying him to be a yes man. He needs to have limits even at £400 a day.

It doesn’t sound selfish but it doesn’t sound like you are both on the same page.

Are you choosing money over your relationship? Will the relationship continue like this? If not then the extra money isn’t going to be of much good to you is it?

If you work from home and don’t live near family anyway then why don’t you move near to his work so he doesn’t have to spend so much time travelling and would then be less tired?