Draining friend - can't avoid

[Catoneverychair]

I started a course last September. Have made some 'friends'. (I wouldn't class these real friendships.) One friend I really liked left the course. This other friend... She's clever, friendly and helpful but there is so much drama in her life, it's draining me and a lot of the times her constant messages stop me doing my assignments (which there's a lot of).
I tried giving her advice but there's always something new: work, relationship, police etc.
How can I step this down without offending her? I just don't have the mental energy, I have my ow crap to deal with at the moment.
We have to meet in person once a week for face-to-face lessons. i don't want it to be awkward.

Tell her you're switching off SM to get your assignments done and you'll see her at the lesson.

Repeat when you see her.

Just turn your phone off or to silent and be less available to her.

I have a friend who I can’t escape and who can be very draining; but I have a tendency to be a people-pleasing fixer so i walk right into the trap.

I have two strategies. The first is to limit contact - I’ve muted notifications from her and I definitely don't immediately answer all messages. Second is to say ‘oh dear, that sounds difficult/irritating/whatever’ rather than give advice which I know she’s going to ignore, because she doesn't want advice she wants an audience.

It’s not ideal, but it helps. She does have many good points to outweigh some of the more difficult things.

I had a "friend" like this. constant drama. Got to the point where she kept bringing me into her dramas despite me massively distancing myself from her.
I had to tell her I didn't care about her private life in the end to get her stop now she's moved on to her next victim.

You say I can't message at the moment because I'm really busy, then don't reply until you are ready. You have to deal with people like this on your terms not theirs, otherwise they'd take up every second of your life offloading on you.

Switch off your phone. Turn her message tone to silent.

When you see her, tell her you've been busy.

What can she say? 'But you should have made time for me??'

If you really want to avoid any confrontation.....

If its via WhatsApp- turn off blue ticks and last seen in your settings, so she can't see her messages have been read. When you next see her, tell her your phone is broken and you'll WhatsApp her when you've got it sorted ;-)

Just be careful with your phone around her! Lol.

On what platform is she messaging? You can mute WhatsApp messages from specific people..

Thank you all for not shooting me down. Messages are via whatsapp, lots of voice memos etc. I've muted them now and will use PP's 'sounds stressful' line next.
I do feel a bit bad. But I also have a feeling she has other people she's pouring it all out to as well.

Why do you feel bad, though? What is it that you think you should be doing 'better', given that her wellbeing is not your responsibility?

I think women are still, maybe subconsciously, conditioned to #BeKind.

That was a specific question to OP, ImJustMadAboutSaffron as, although what you're saying may well be true, we all have our own specific motivators related to our individual experiences. 'That's how women are raised' isn't specific enough to help OP work out her problem.

I’m a lecturer and this is what I advise students in similar situations with friends or wider family. Take control of your communications - make them work for you, not against you. Put the phone in another room, if necessary, while you’re working and get on with your work.

My dad answers the phone when he wants to. If he’s watching tv he leaves it and rings back later. If it was urgent it would ring several times - he’d answer it then, but not a one-off. Works for him!

@Watchkeys For similar reasons as pp said. I wanted to be supportive, I offered lots of advice (which she didn't listen to... I know she's not obliged)). I reached a point when I realised I can't help her and it's become too disruptive to my own life.
Unfortunately I can't be off SM completely as we have a group that's sometimes useful regarding questions on assignments but I have muted her for a while and will use the above techniques.

Just tell her. Say what you've said to us. 'I'm sorry, Jackie, I just haven't got much time for this, I've got some stuff going on myself.'

It's not offensive to state your boundaries. If she's offended or keeps doing it, then she's being offensive to you, but you can't expect her to respect your boundaries if you haven't made them clear.

I would turn off read receipts etc, but notto protect her thinking you're ignoring her, because it is incredibly unecessary to have them on. Noone needs to know what you're doing, it's very freeing to not have everyone thinking they can contact you just because you're online/reading a message means you have to reply.
I would then be honest with her and state your boundaries - whatever that may be, if it is "outside of class you don't have the opportunity to reply to messages" then she can send them if she sees fit but you don't need to reply to them. Actually what's most likely to happen based on the way you've described her is she will back off and harass someone else in the lesson instead because she needs everyone to be thinking of her and her needs. People who feel the need to share constant problems with everyone will most likely be like that all the time. I knew one of these people and she shared the same drama with everyone and moved between issues constantly.. some of them real and some perceived. She really just wanted to be the centre of attention and didn't want solutions.