Aggressiveness

[Daffodilmum36]

My not so DH had a lengthy affair, moved out, came back. Continued affair, gaslighted me until I was pretty mute. Thankfully the OWs husband found evidence of the continued affair and my DH left again at the end of last year. Myself and DC are devastated but I am keeping a steady home for them and just trying to work through what is a horrid situation. To make things more difficult, my husband when leaving and collecting children is so abrupt with me to the point of aggressiveness. He has throughout the affair blamed it on me not making him happy and I am in therapy now to understand why I listened to this but I still feel like he thinks this is my fault and it’s horrible!

It doesn't matter what he thinks. You know the truth.

I know that but it is just hard to know that the man who loved you once can now be so cold.

Unbelievable he’s blaming you because he chose to have an affair. Of course it hurts but you are so well rid of him

Something seems off here? Why do you care about making things more amicable for him when collecting the kids? He cheated on you. Twice. Don’t give him an inch!

I think it’s easier for him to blame you, because then he doesn’t have to think that he did a really shitty thing to his family. Of course it was your fault for not making him happy. It had nothing at all to do with him not being able to keep his penis in his pants. I don’t think he truly blames you. More importantly, you need to understand that it absolutely wasn’t your fault and his current attitude is his problem, not yours.

I’d ignore it. Kill him with kindness, it will annoy him more. Although if it gets too much, I’d send him an email telling him that you don’t expect friendship, but for the sake of the DC, you do expect basic courtesy and if he’s unable to manage that, then he’ll have to appoint someone to collect the children on his behalf as you refuse to be subjected to intimidation tactics on your own doorstep.

I went through similar OP (apart from I threw him out when I discovered the affair and for the first year he was all apologetic and agreeing with whatever I said re dc etc). The Len almost overnight he suddenly couldn't stand me and it was as if I was the one in the wrong.

I was in therapy at the time and was explaining that it upset me and I didn't know why as I genuinely couldn't stand him. My therapist said I'm a textbook people pleaser and took the thought of someone thinking badly off me far too much to heart, regardless of who it was. The fact he was one of the people in the world that knew me best meant I put far too much attention on his opinion of me.

Another massive penny dropping moment for me is when my therapist said "He's angry and upset at the situation he's got to blame someone. In this situation is only option is to accept the blame and live with the guilt/self loathing OR he can blame you, hate you and feel better about himself. He's obviously fed up living in the mindset where he's the bad guy and feeling guilty. He feels he deserves to move on and be happy and the only way for him to stop hating himself is for him to hate you". Made so so much sense in my situation. He always was a self righteous prick and felt he deserved whatever he wanted