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Original poster

Cheating or just friendship?

16 replies

LetsBekindx · 04/02/2023 15:41

My Dh has a female friend they both work in the same hospital but different departments.
He would regularly meet with her at work for smoke break and outside of work meet at out local coffee shop, alot of the time when he met her outside of work he would have our son with him.
I had no worries with it until on Christmas she bought my son a couple of decent/expensive gifts. She also got my husband a gift too.

So i didnt like this, made me feel extremely uncomfortable that a woman i didnt know was giving my child a gift like this. Told my husband it made me uncomfortable etc, he didnt get it. So i suggested me, dh and the friend meet for coffee so i can get to know here and feel a bit better about the situation.
She refused. So this got my back up and i said to dh he can meet with her but not when my son is there. Again he didnt get it and thought i was saying he couldn't meet her. Anyway he stopped meeting her outside of work (i know this 100%) although they would meet at work and facetime when i was at work. Something has been said not sure what exactly and he had made out to her im jealousy of them and cant meet etc. This pissed me off as it wasnt what was said just my son not to be there.
She is in a relationship too.

Could there be something going on? or leading to something? am i just jealous?helppppp driving me nuts!

OP posts:
meetmeatmidnights · 04/02/2023 15:46

I go for coffees outside of work with both male and female colleagues. I bought a present for the female colleagues child for Christmas (the others don't have DC!). I have no designs on sleeping with any of them (we are all happily in relationships).

I'd find it really weird if one of the husbands / wives wanted to come for a coffee to check up on the situation, I wouldn't bother going either 🤷🏻‍♀️

That doesn't mean every situation is the same at all and only you know about your situation, but in my life it's a fairly normal situation

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/02/2023 16:45

If she’s met your son many times because your DH took him along then I think it’s nice that she bought him a present. She might be a stranger to you, but she isn’t to your son. And I can’t imagine giving a gift to a colleague’s child in the hope the colleague might infer from this that I wanted to have sex with them. It’s not exactly how great romances begin.

I’d also be pretty uninterested in meeting the wife of a colleague who clearly only wanted to meet me to size me up and mark her territory. I’ve no interest in being drawn into other people’s marital spats and I’m not going to entertain it. I’m not surprised she similarly refused.

Pseudonamed · 04/02/2023 17:01

I think she fancies him hence buying them gifts and not wanting to meet you. She might have a certain fantasy in her head of them being together.

Holly76354 · 04/02/2023 17:11

The way she refused to meet for a coffee with you there is a bit wierd IMO. I wouldn't of thought anything of it up until that point. I'm sorry but to me it sounds as though she might like your husband as more than friends. It's normal to get crushes on other people but the only real problem here is if your husband encourages it. So I'd speak to him about your thoughts and he should respect that you aren't comfortable with it- if yoi aren't.

SunflowerTed · 04/02/2023 17:16

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this situation either. My hubby has female friends but I’ve met them

GreyCarpet · 04/02/2023 17:55

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/02/2023 16:45

If she’s met your son many times because your DH took him along then I think it’s nice that she bought him a present. She might be a stranger to you, but she isn’t to your son. And I can’t imagine giving a gift to a colleague’s child in the hope the colleague might infer from this that I wanted to have sex with them. It’s not exactly how great romances begin.

I’d also be pretty uninterested in meeting the wife of a colleague who clearly only wanted to meet me to size me up and mark her territory. I’ve no interest in being drawn into other people’s marital spats and I’m not going to entertain it. I’m not surprised she similarly refused.

Interesting perspective.

I've not met up with male friends outside of the arena where we met and might have socialised (eg work/pub/hobby) without meeting their wife/partner. A girlfriend I wouldn't but a life partner I would.

It's not about getting drawn into marital spats or being sized up. For me, it's about respect.

I've been hit on by too many married men and ignored/pushed aside/dismissed by too many female friends over the years. I know 'friendships' aren't always innocent and I wouldn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable because of my friendship with their partner.

I've become good friends with the wives/partners too which I'd much prefer tbh

dovelove · 04/02/2023 18:06

I agree with @GreyCarpet here I'd be the same.

Dh met a woman from his work who he really got on with, had a mutual hobby. She insisted on meeting me before they started going on any out of work stuff that was connected to the hobby. She came round for dinner with her dh. We are all now firm friends.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 04/02/2023 18:28

This is how I discovered my XH was cheating on me with a colleague. Minus the DC side of it. But I guess because of my experience it would be a massive red flag for me

Moser85 · 05/02/2023 03:18

>The way she refused to meet for a coffee with you there is a bit wierd IMO

Not really. I would feel incredibly uncomfortable in that situation, meeting her knowing she was trying to watch us together and our body language etc. It would feel like such a fake awkward meeting.

However, I would definitely cool the friendship and certainly wouldn't meet him alone or facetime after that.

BadNomad · 05/02/2023 05:03

You're worried about him cheating, so you're making sure the time he spends with this woman is time spent alone. 😳

I don't think it is weird that she doesn't want to meet you. She probably thinks it's weird that you want to meet her. I'd say she realises you are not comfortable with her presence, but she doesn't want to get involved in any drama, so she's keeping out of it and leaving it up to your DH to deal with his relationship issues. Rightly so. And DH is taking the easy road by putting the blame on you for why they can't spend time together any more.

TidyDancer · 05/02/2023 05:17

I don't blame her for not wanting to meet with you tbh. It hasn't happened organically, and as previous posters have suggested, she's realised you're only suggesting it so you can watch her and your DH and that's a really uncomfortable position to be put in.

I think your perspective on this is a bit odd and I'm not sure why you're so focused on your DS. If you really believe your DH would cheat do you think it's more likely to happen if he has your DS with him? Not sure where your logic is there.

I'm wondering if you have other reasons to think your DH is up to something? What you've described here sounds innocent but maybe you've hyper focused on it because you have other suspicions.

juliettesmother · 05/02/2023 06:07

Agree with @GreyCarpet

Adventvibes · 05/02/2023 06:30

My first reaction was to think maybe he didn’t even ask her about you coming for coffee , he found the whole idea too awkward so just said she wasn’t keen as an excuse

I’d also be uncomfortable with the situ, and the FaceTiming instead of coffee seems a bit odd too. How old is he / she?

Pickledprune · 05/02/2023 06:43

Agree with greycarpet

This happened to me last year and she was def all over my DH in texts. Didn't know me or my son but kept giving DH gifts for him. I kicked off about it all eventually and he couldn't see she was doing anything wrong. But he cut her off. Keep an eye on it OP. X

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/02/2023 08:09

I don't think the gifts are a red flag as if she sees your son regularly then its pretty normal for women to get gifts for kids they know.

Not wanting to meet is odd, its coffee not a weekend away so 40 mins of chat is hardly a chore. I've got lots of male friends and wouldn't be phased about meeting their partners, its a normal thing for good friends to do.

I expect there was boundary crossing and hes now shitting himself, hence cooling the friendship.

FenghuangHoyan · 05/02/2023 08:18

Why's your husband facetiming her? I don't get that.

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