If you found it hard to get the romance back post kids…

[Gfrumpyoldbag]

What helped?

NC, obviously.

DH and I haven’t had sex since conceiving DC2. She’s 9m.

Context is that my DH is a good man and father. He’s kind, reliable, we have fairly equal spare time. I feel like generally we have a fair enough division of labour. I am still EBF and on mat leave which obviously means my life is very child focused. He’s understanding and sensitive and endlessly patient with me over this. I find him good looking and I want to be more of a couple, but at the same time since having kids I just find the idea kind of… weird. A few weeks ago spontaneously we nearly had sex but then the toddler got up which I don’t think has helped! Having kids has been tough on us and we’ve had some rocky times but things have been much more like normal for us for a while now.

He has asked me about it and it just feels like another bloody person wanting to take up my space and time and I can’t be bothered. I know it’s horrible for me to be feeling that way. He wants a physical relationship and of course that’s understandable and I know we need to get back to that. I want to get back to it, but I also want to want to, if that makes sense. He says he will wait for as long as it takes but worries that we may have lost that side of things and that it won’t come back.

I feel like I can’t talk about this with anyone else. Can anyone relate? What can I do? Please try to be kind, I feel really ashamed.

I think what you’re feeling is very fair, OP. And I know what you mean about the space and time, yet another person depending on you for something and you WANTING to want to get back into sex. Very relatable.
It’s great you still find him attractive and you share equal labour. Lots of positives there. It sounds like being a mum to both kids is intensive, and you still don’t get enough time to yourself. Perhaps you need to just have a bit of headspace and fancy yourself again to feel sexy again, do you know what I mean?

Do you feel good about yourself at the mo? What things could you do just for you, to get back into…you?

To be honest, I felt like this while breastfeeding, and my libido returned almost to normal within a few weeks of stopping.

I also find that I'm more in the mood first thing in the morning, compared with last thing at night when I've had the kids mithering me all day, stress over bedtime etc. It might be worth you trying different times of day. And child-free time is of course very helpful - even if you don't feel ready to let grandparents have a sleepover yet, do you have any family locally who could look after the baby for a few hours so you can have a lunch date?

It took me ages to get my libido back, youngest is now 9 and it's still not fully back. It's exactly like you said in the OP, another person wanting a piece of me when I've given all I have to the kids all day.

What helps is - being given space to be myself, not being nagged or made to feel guilty for having a low sex drive, open and honest communication about my feelings.

I felt completely touched out when mine were babies, I didn’t want dh to touch me because when the kids weren’t around I wanted space. Thankfully he was very understanding, we got back there eventually. Having time away from the kids really helped, I know we were very lucky, but we managed a night away together once a year from when dc1 was about 2 and it was fantastic, gave us the space to reconnect, remember why we loved each other. Got much easier as the kids got older.

Following with interest. I feel this so much. 2 kids and our youngest is 2.5 and I'm still breastfeeding. I know exactly what you mean about wanting to want to but feeling like it's just another person who wants a piece of me.

I personally wasn’t feeling like sex when bf, apart from like 1wk or less after birth I really wanted sex, but didn’t of course. I think as I had to keep my bra on (I had to sleep with it when bf as nipples incredibly sensitive) I wasn’t feeling it. It came back after I stopped - so hold on in there. Maybe try and have some date nights, even if at home, a nice meal, a movie, some couple time. Sure it will come back

What your feeling is so normal. I was/am touched out. I have 3 under 3. My DH doesn’t have a high sex drive, which normally bugs me but recovering from child birth it was a god send. If he had been bugging me for sex I would have hated it.

He was talking to me the other day and I was like ‘god I hate you you’ in my head and then was like ‘where on earth did that come from!?’ and then I remembered my 6 month old had me up all night and my toddlers had been tantruming all morning. It is absolutely not him.

I suggest wine, wine and more wine. Maybe on the sofa if baby is in your room.

I'm also pretty much in the same boat as you OP - mine are 2 and 5. Starting to feel more in the mood recently and DH def wants it more than before but I just find it difficult when the kids are around - even in the next room asleep, as I know they could wake up any time! Hoping it will come back more soon, and I am trying to stop bf which I do think will help.

I've never connected to a thread more than this - I hear you! My LO is 8 months and I haven't had sex with my husband since our son was born. I feel exhausted and I don't have the energy to give. It makes me sad that I feel this way because he's a fantastic dad and husband but I just feel like a rubbish wife at the minute. I'm also breastfeeding and I think that is probably the main reason but I don't want to give it up any time soon. I don't have any advice unfortunately but just want you to know you're not alone.

Thank you everyone for these replies. I feel a little bit tearful just knowing that I’m not alone in this. I really appreciate each one and I’ve read them all.

@OutFortheBirds I think that’s a very valid point. I do almost nothing for myself and being on maternity leave only compounds that. I used to exercise before work a couple of times a week - this was before I had children and we could afford to go to a swanky gym. That would be impossible now. The other day DH asked me (kindly) what I need from him and I didn’t even know how to answer. I don’t know what I need!

I feel pretty okay about my body, it looks pretty similar to before I had children, so I haven’t had to come to terms with any big changes. However I used to have more time to take care of myself. I find I can go a couple of weeks without shaving my legs and then I just feel a bit minging, even though DH would never say anything about it. I suppose I could also make more effort, it’s not like that’s a big job. I do wish I had more time to get myself ready in the morning and look just a little less of a mess though.

It sort of feels like I exist only in relation to others at the moment, and it’s hard to feel like an empowered, sexual being when I barely feel like a being in my own right most of the time. I don’t know if that sounds like I’m miserable though? I’m really not. I’m very happy!

@CakeIsNotAvailable and @wonderstuff we very rarely have time together. We have very kind family nearby so we could go on dates more once the kids are in bed. I think we need to do this. The baby has just started sleeping a lot better so that feels possible. We’ve never had a night away from the kids. That would be amazing! But I wonder if I’d feel under pressure for sex which just makes me shut down. Yesterday we were alone in the house for an hour and DH made the suggestion that we make the most of it, and my reaction was along the lines of NO GET OFF ME - I didn’t hide it well, and then I know he was hurt. I knew I had to go and get the baby so I could feed her before her nap and I didn’t want to squeeze a shag into the only part of my day where I wasn’t being mithered!

@MrsBudd and @acupofteamakeseverythingbetter sorry you’re feeling this way too.

And sorry for all the waffling. Thinking out loud.

You describe it very well OP. Perhaps let your husband read what you’ve written here and he will understand it’s not that you don’t want to (well it is but ykwim) and it’s not about him. I think many new fathers could do with reading this thread tbh.

I don’t have a magic solution but I do definitely think it will improve as your DC gets older, less physical demands, more sleep and time, more settled hormones… so you don’t need to worry that this is it forever. And nor does your DH.

Try to keep physical affection going even if just a cuddle on the sofa or a peck on the lips and that will make it easier to get back to sex when you feel ready.