Falling in love but there's no chance of us being together

[Montay]

We're both in LTR's, mine is miserable.. his isn't perfect (who's is?) but certainly isn't bad. He's happy with her. They work.

I children but he doesn't. I live with my DP whereas he doesn't live with his.

Overall I have "more to lose" over these stupid feelings but it's irrelevant because nothing could or would ever happen. He's a decent man who wouldn't let it. He'd run a mile if he read this.

I've known him for years as we're in the same hobby group / group nights out. I'm fairly sure he likes/liked me at some point, in some capacity (he expressed that he thought I was attractive, smart and kind - this was before he had a partner though). We have alot In common, music taste, politics, movies, personality traits, he's exactly my type on paper.

It turned out that my DP is a serial cheat. I stayed "for the kids" ..yep that old cliche. Over time I lost feelings for him and developed feelings for this man over the course of the last year.

I've began the process of separating as me developing feelings for somebody else was the light bulb moment. I just don't want to be with him anymore. You'd have thought his cheating would have done that but nope.

I have no intention of telling this man how I feel, I could never put that out there and risk causing damage to his relationship or putting his girlfriend through the emotional turmoil that i went through.

It's just so shit though. I don't think I can bring myself to be around him anymore.

I have to find another group, this isn't fair to anybody but I will miss him terribly.

I just had to get it out somewhere as I'm feeling a bit blue today. I've NC.

I am full of admiration for you. You are doing all the right things. Sorry it's so hard. Could you take comfort in the fact that his existence means that there are men that are right for you?

Ah thank you that's very kind. That is a comforting way of looking at it.

I hope that one day, when my house is in order as they say, I'll be fortunate enough to meet somebody like him. His girlfriend is a very lucky woman.

If you separate fully from your dp then you can pursue someone who is available. Staying with your current partner means you cannot move on with your life.

If the man cheated on his partner with you then he wouldn’t be the wonderful person you see him as. So you are doing the right thing and not selling yourself short (being someone’s secret won’t help you in the long run anyway).

Good luck in finding happiness.

Agree with @TerrifiedandWorried. Also, you can always be grateful that he has given you the motivation to end your marriage. I agree that not seeing this guy for a while is the right way to go. That should help your feelings calm down.

Good luck, OP.

Second what the previous poster just said. You sound strong and decent. You can and will feel this for someone else but you need to end your relationship with your partner first. Good luck. I hear your pain

Love is a complicated thing at the best of times.
But you have completely nailed what it is to be a decent person, which is no small achievement OP. I hope things unfold better for you from now on.

((HUG)). It's not easy.

but it's great it's made you realise you NEED to separate from your partner & given you the motivation to do so, do it as soon as you can. There will never be 'a good time' so don't waste more time with him. It'll be no easier/harder for the kids at any given time, that's just more procrastination!

I think you're probably idolising 'Mr Lovely' & 'falling in love' with him is much more about falling in love with the idea of being with someone like him, not your cheating twat. Try to focus on those hood feeling, not about them being due to MrL.

get moving!!

If you’re meant to be with this man, it’ll pan out that way - but if the answer involves cheating then it’s not worth it.

Bin off your DP (cheating is never okay) and move on with your life - see where it takes you.

Thank you for the kindness. I only NC as I expected to get a bit of a battering. It's not comfortable or dignified to feel this way about somebodies partner. I'm ashamed.

I can say for certain that neither of us would ever embark on an affair. I would rather cut him off completely than have him find out I feel like this and I know for certain that if he did know then he'd put that distance in place himself.

He's one of the good ones.

As you said, PP, the one good thing to come out of this is that it has shown me that 1) I need to leave and 2) there is life and love to be found afterwards.

You could look at it differently. Instead of thinking you're falling in love with someone, think of it as your brain trying desperately to make you leave your unhappy relationship. There's a decent chance that when you do, you won't see this bloke the way you are now because you'll be enjoying being free.

Your mind feels trapped. Let it out

that is a very nice response

All of this.

I’d pull your joint financials over the weekend, go see a solicitor next week and get the ball rolling. Life is far too short to be miserable.

At the risk of being annoying, I think in 5 years you will look back on this guy as a great bloke who woke you up, rather than a lost partner. You’ll find the guy who is actually the right partner when you are clear of your marriage and can see what you need.

Good luck with it all

I did wonder whether it was just a crush that'll pass, a mental escape from my current circumstances as you will.

I feel its a bit more than that though. It's beyond a physical attraction i actually care deeply for him. I would always prioritise his happiness and well-being (and by extention his girlfriends) above my own feelings. As much as it's going to hurt me having to cut him off I would sooner take that hit than bring any trouble into his life.

You are such a strong person. A lot of people wouldn’t have the insight, resolve or strength of character that you are showing here. I take my hat off to you.

One thing to bear in mind is that when we’re in the middle of a situation, the grass can really look incredibly greener on the other side. He’s probably not as wonderful to live with as you think he is. We all have our faults. Good for you though in recognising him as not a potential affair partner but as a catalyst for changing your life.

Good luck for the future, OP.

You're all very kind, I appreciate this. Thank you all for the well wishes and solid advice.

Hi there, I have a 4 year old son and would like to start introducing him to new activities, does anyone have any recommendations for drama classes, martial art etc on the SE25 area? Would really appreciate any information- thank you

Peanut is a good place to ask. It connects you to local mums whereas MN isn't location specific iykwim 🙂