To want to end things with him.

[Orangebananas]

My partner and I have been together for 5 years and if I’m being honest the last two have been a drag.
I know that I am going to break up with him but I guess I want some sort of validation? Someone to tell me I’m not being unreasonable? I’m not even sure, maybe I just want to vent because I don’t have any friends to talk about this with.
We moved abroad together but I have a property in U.K., I earn double what he does and this hasn’t been a problem, but I’m starting to think it is.
We split the rent 50/50 and I pay for all the bills, vet trips, anything we need for the house, we went 50/50 on a car, but I pay for all our holidays. I’m not sure what he spends his salary on but it seems like most of it is frittered on hobbies, take aways for lunch etc. he doesn’t even seem to save much even though he earns a decent salary.
At first this didn’t bother me, but increasingly I feel like he is taking advantage of me and just expects me to constantly provide for him - but it’s not just about the money.
Here it comes, the mental load. I do everything in our household. He has one ‘assigned task’ which is to do the floors and he won’t even bother until he sees me crack and start hoovering. I’m currently at about a 3 week stalemate with this one.
We’ve had the conversation about him pulling his weight multiple times over the past couple of years, nothing changes. I do all the laundry, cooking, shopping, list making, planning, cleaning that you can think of. And I am so so so over it. He will never have an idea or thought on things to do together, if I book a trip for us I do the research, find the place, find walks to do there etc, do shopping, cook some food to take, sort the dogs stuff and he will drive us there and think that’s equal? It just doesn’t feel it to me.
The irony is he was back slapping himself compared to his friends for how domestic he is! I had to laugh and remind him that our home is clean and nice because of me, not leaving your towel on the floor doesn’t deserve a bloody Oscar.
I was fine on my own and honestly can’t wait to get back to being so. But am I being stupid, is this just what every woman deals with?
i guess I was spoilt with my dad as he is nothing like this. I just can’t work out why ending things is niggling at me like this.

Firstly, particularly where no children are involved, you can end a relationship because you’re just not feeling it.

And no, this isn’t what every woman deals with. In a functional relationship, there is much more of a team approach to the things you identify. As regards expenses, in an LTR, I would expect them to be pro-rated based on ability to pay and if the higher earner wanted to do something particularly pricey, I would probably expect them to bear the bulk of the cost but it shouldn’t be as you described where you pay for everything except that the mortgage is split.

But anyway it’s perfectly okay for you to end it.

Thank you, I think I am so overly conscious of other peoples feelings that I find purely doing something because I’m not feeling it, quite a tough concept. But you’re 100% right.

Just go, you don’t need a list of reasons. Life is short, if it’s not making you happy then just leave it.

“I think I am so overly conscious of other peoples feelings that I find purely doing something because I’m not feeling it, quite a tough concept.”

If you were just talking about whether or not to make a trip or engage in a pastime, then maybe there’s some room for doing it anyway because your partner enjoys it (e.g. I go to football matches with my DH because he’s a passionate supporter and wants to share this with me; I quite enjoy it but wouldn’t go nearly as often if it weren’t for him). But that’s not a basis for choosing a life partner. As is often said on here, your relationship should significantly enhance your enjoyment of life and your overall happiness. If it doesn’t, then it’s not right for you.

You have become his mother imo. And he has reverted to teenager...
Get rid and enjoy the fruits of your labour financially and in every other sense!

Just go, leave him and get your life back

There’s that article “my wife divorced me because I left glasses by the sink” (or similar).

Print that and give it to him to read as you pack.

That’s not what every man is like, no - like women, every man is different but yours seems particularly useless.

My DW and I have a different balance - she works more than me, earns more than me but I’ll do more around the house during the day, then she’ll do her tasks (we split jobs so they’re tasks we enjoy) when she gets home from work.

I’m the cook, holiday planner (but she has lots of input, I’m just better at finding deals and checking reviews etc) and master of the washing machine - along with managing our finances (she has plenty of control over them, I just hunt around for deals on shopping / utilities etc).

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a ramble! 😆
In short, pack your bags and find better. Good luck

Sounds like my husband. Sadly I have a mortgage and kids tying us together so not as easy to make decisions.
However if I didn't I would still be here. It's supposed to be a partnership and when it's not it's draining on the person who dies it all.

You're not happy. This isn't working for you. Even better, you don't have children, so you're not affecting anyone else's life in making this decision. Better still you have property of your own and an independent income.
Leave now before anything else gets entwined and you feel you can't.

This is exactly how it feels. It just blows my mind that I’ve blindly let this happen. Thank you for being so black and white this is really helping me see that it’s not just in my head!

Draining is the the right word. I’m sorry you are having the same issue - wishing you all the best and that he gets it together!

Irrespective of everything else, I think who the person who earns more should be paying more as a proportion

I don’t disagree with that, and I do. But for perspective he earns nearly 30k a year and his half of the rent is 250….so considering he doesn’t contribute financially to anything else that does seem a little unfair that I bare not only the finances but also all the housework etc.

Unfortunately that’s par course really when you out earn someone by a large amount, I out earned my Ex by about 3:1, so it felt like I was paying for pretty much everything ( which I probably was), and that does feel abit unfair sometimes, but certainly housework & free time should be equal

In answer to your last question, @Orangebananas you aren't being unreasonable and every woman doesn't put up with that.

Your DP is a grown adult and should be pulling his weight 50/50 in the home. So you both get the same amount of down time. It's the only logical way of doing things to be fair and equal. Yet he lets you do 99% of the work while he, presumably, does what he wants with his time. That tells you that he is extremely lazy, extremely selfish, doesn't value you or your time, and likely also a sexist dinosaur who thinks that having a penis exempts you from being a functioning adult in the home.

Whatever his 'reasons' (and it's likely a combination, or all of the above) it makes him a poor partner.

You can leave someone just because you want to. No clear reasons needed. In this case you have very very clear reasons. Your life will be so much better and wasier without him in it.

Hey! I really need non judgmental advice.
I have a child with my partner, I'm unhappy with him but terrified to start over.
We already just live separate lives but I don't feel like I used to before with him, I only have the one child who is still fairly young but I'm terrified I won't ever find someone who will love me for me and my child and look after us too, I've done everything myself with my LO really but its more the whole getting to know someone new when a child is involved scares me. Id always put my LO first but Im scared of being used or something, I know not men are all the same but any mums out there who have remarried or found someone new and it's worked?