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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Refuge with 1 year

17 replies

xx200xx · 03/02/2023 22:56

Hello everyone. Please no hide judgement.
I have fleed to a refuge with my 1 year old.

I feel like the worst mum ever, my son adores his dad and always smiles at him. I don't want to say he's a bad dad.
However the relationship became toxic the moment I was in it. It was rushed i was very stupid for believing he loved me at the start. I have been emotionally abused aswell as some s*xual abuse that happened durning my pregnancy. There's been times he's pushed me over and left me with bruises. He's cheated on my via social media before, I tried to leave him 7 months ago and he was threatening to kill himself etc so I stayed. It became more toxic because I wa struggling to cope with the betrayal but I felt so bad on leaving him. Hes recently decided he don't want me know more and things became so bad for my mental health. We was living together and he was doing everything he can to get a reaction or upset me so i had to leave because my mental state got so bad. Him, his dad and my own mother have turnt against me and trying to get my son took of me, there constantly ringing and saying stuff to social services and childrens center . Luckily the social worker can see what there trying to do and said she's proud of me. Parts of me feels like I have let my son down massively because he loves his dad so much and his father is very upset but still trying to hurt me in ways. I had to put my mental health first. But now Im just over thinking it all. What if I'm being dramatic about this and have caused my son to be apart from his dad?? He will see his dad again once it goes through court as he's already has threatened me with my son. I just feel like I have maybe gone to far by coming to a refuge and taking him away for a while? It's so hard my heads all over. I just wish people could see it from my perspective and that I done it for a reason. But what if I'm genuinely overreacting and it's not as bad as it seems? I read some stuff saying if a mother takes a baby away from there father then the mother must be a monster and not love the children 😢 just want some opinions on the situation as my heads all over. Tia x

OP posts:

Dery · 03/02/2023 23:19

OP - you’re not overreacting. You’re so strong. You have done exactly the right thing. Your ex has been abusing you and that is also abuse of your child. Let your social worker and the women running the refuge support you. They understand domestic abuse and how to help women who are escaping from it.

EarthSight · 03/02/2023 23:36

Sexual abuse. Cheating. Escalation into pushing you over and getting physical.

You're not overreacting. You're in a refuge because you feel like you have no where else to go, don't have enough emotional support, and you're probably intimidated by your baby's Dad.

You did the right thing. Take care of yourself.

MsDogLady · 03/02/2023 23:49

@xx200xx, you absolutely made the correct decision to protect your son and yourself by going to the refuge. Your Partner is an abuser and your child has been living in a damaging environment. By leaving, you have ensured a better future for both of you.

You’ve made a courageous positive step. Stay strong and don’t return to this despicable man if he tries to hoover you.

billy1966 · 04/02/2023 10:15

Well done for getting out.

You have done the brave thing by getting your son out of that situation.

Block anyone who is hurting or harassing you, including your mother.

Focus on yourself and your son and take all the help offered.

Well done.

Whiskeypowers · 04/02/2023 10:23

You have done the very best thing you could do. You have left him and that awful environment
what you have been experiencing is most definitely abuse and it sounds as though it’s escalating. You when shown the social worker and in years to come your child what a strong and loving mother does when faced with a situation like this

stay calm and let the refuge and DA
organisation it’s linked to help you take the next steps. One day at a time.

8lue8irds · 04/02/2023 10:26

You have done an amazing thing and you must be so strong to get out of such a toxic situation.

Making a child smile does not make a good father. Your son will be thanking you for this in the future. Xx

Original poster

xx200xx · 04/02/2023 11:51

Thankyou
They are ringing around trying to find out where I am. I also have baby's grandfather messaging me asking to see him. I won't reply to them !!!

OP posts:

8lue8irds · 04/02/2023 15:26

Please don't x

Original poster

xx200xx · 04/02/2023 15:31

I still can't help thinking I might have been over reacting the situation and took it so far. This is the main thing what's spinning in my head today x

OP posts:

Shayisgreat · 04/02/2023 17:32

You haven't overreacted. You were right to leave him. Your child is more likely to be seriously harmed physically or emotionally if you remain in a relationship like this than the potential emotional damage from not living with his father.

The best thing you have ever done for your child is leave.

Seenoevil33 · 04/02/2023 17:55

Definitely not an overreaction.

this is the start of a new life for you - grab it with both hands xx
your child is so small - he cannot choose the best life for himself - that’s your job, and you should be proud of yourself for doing this! Good relationships which last a lifetime do not have any abuse xx

GracePooleslaugh · 04/02/2023 17:59

The refuge is there to help you, they clearly think you need to be there. Trust them and let them take care of you.

Block the people who are harassing you including family. You need space to breathe. You have definitely made the right decision.

Zanatdy · 04/02/2023 20:52

I’d imagine it’s very normal to wonder if you’ve done the right thing or over reacted when you’re at a refuge. They aren’t the nicest places in the world and women often leave behind a nice home. Abuse can become normalised and women often just accept it as every day life and only when you tell an outsider and they are shocked do you realise it’s not normal. Please speak to any support worker offered there. You’ve 100% done the right thing in leaving, abuse always escalates and you have to protect your child too. Take care, maybe worth getting a new sim so they can’t contact you

Original poster

xx200xx · 04/02/2023 20:53

I just spoke to the domestic abuse worker, and talking about it made me see how bad of a person he is and definitely not a great dad.
We also think by my sons dads dad messaging people is another way to get a reaction out of me. So I'm ignoring a blocking. It's gonna be a hard journey but I will thank myself at the end of it. Just want me baby to be happy❤️ I'm still taking his dad and grandads feelings into consideration and I need to not to because they don't care about me I'm only hurting myself x

OP posts:

Whiskeypowers · 04/02/2023 21:22

xx200xx · 04/02/2023 20:53

Spot on!
try and get some rest x

boygirlmom · 04/02/2023 21:29

When your boy gets a bit older, he will know you did the right thing.

Please change your number and new bank account and so on. It's really easy to track people these days. Don't click on any weblinks in emails or texts because there is lots of phishing websites where they can hack your phones and find ur whereabouts.

Make sure all of your location services are turned off and geo tracking off on your phone as well. Someone from the refuge should be able to help with this.

Well done for what you did. You absolutely one hundred million percent did the right thing. Never doubt yourself for a second. You saved your sons life by saving your own. One day you will realise that.

Original poster

xx200xx · 04/02/2023 22:01

boygirlmom · 04/02/2023 21:29

When your boy gets a bit older, he will know you did the right thing.

Make sure all of your location services are turned off and geo tracking off on your phone as well. Someone from the refuge should be able to help with this.

I really hope so the last thing I want is for him to ever turn out like his father because then I know I failed him!! Thankyou so much this all truly means the world and all these comments are seriously helping me get through this!!!

He had a contract phone in my name and won't swap it over. I'm really not sure what to do going about getting that sorted. I'm on low income so I'm gonna struggle paying it. As that will be the last thing he can do to try and hurt me. I'm so stupid for letting him have. That!!

OP posts:

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