Grandparents playing favourites

[Frenchmartini23]

My parents live about 100 miles away, my brother lives near them with his wife and two children aged 7 and 4. I also have two children ages 3 and 1. My parents look after my brothers children 4 days a week and have them overnight a lot too. They don’t like travelling to where I live so they never visit us. Instead mostly while I was on maternity leave I’d go down once a
month for a weekend. I thought it was great as my children got to build a relationship with the grandparents they never see and play with their cousins. However my dad is suffering from ‘grumpy old man’ syndrome and after about a day or so usually stops interacting as much with my kids. He makes us feel unwelcome and I question whether we should leave early. Our most recent trip was at Christmas and it was awful. He just ignored my kids and played with my brothers kids. Thankfully mine are too young to notice. I’m now in a dilemma as I don’t enjoy going down to visit anymore mostly due to my dad’s behaviour. However if I don’t go down they will have no relationship with their grandchildren. I have in the past met them half way but it’s usually a fleeting visit, it takes a while for my three year old to warm up to people he doesn’t see often. I feel where they live is too far to visit for just one night with such young children. I’m just wondering what anyone else would do in this situation? I feel for my kids I should keep trying to force a bond but on the other hand I’m really feeling a bit tired of the one sided effort. I can’t help but think my parents have favourite grandkids and they have no time for mine. My in laws are great and have a lot of time for all their grandkids, which makes me question my parents lack of effort more.
Sorry for the ramble but feel I need some perspective!
Thanks to all who made it this far ☺️

Our DC grandparents all live 80 miles away - we regularly made day trips. We both drive and we’re willing to share the driving and our DC are good travellers - we’ve driven 1000 miles across Europe so 100 miles is nothing for us. I’d do day trips in your situation. Get your DC ready for bed at their house - bath, pyjamas and milk - and into car seats and off. We always had seats that rocked back so they could sleep. Sounds like your dad can’t cope with younger children or several in the house at once for too long.

100miles is fine (unless you’re about to tell us it’s all 30mph roads) I’d do one night. Can you stay with your brother sometimes to mix it up a bit? Or a premier inn or similar? House guests for a whole weekend a month is a lot.

I think familiarity and proximity does cause this. We have a set of grandparents quite a bit further away and the difference/favouritism for the close by grandkids is huge. We make much less effort because of it & im sure that makes it worse to be honest but I’m past caring.

DHs parents lived 120 miles away and we used to take the children for one night only. Then the grandparents said having us to stay was too much for them. We used to visit about once every 6 weeks. I used to take the lunch with us, we would stay for supper , put the children in Jama’s and travel home. Although DC didn’t see these grandparents as much as the others (who lived close by) they had a good relationship with them and were very fond of them. In fact, after they died we discovered our DC were their favourites and had been given better presents for years!

French Martini

re your comments in quote marks:
"However if I don’t go down they will have no relationship with their grandchildren".

Relationships are two way and if they do not like travelling to you that is not your fault. They do not have seemingly much of a relationship with you. How do you feel when you see them these days?. Do you still seek their approval even now?

What was it like for you at home when you were growing up; was your brother more favoured as a child?.

"I feel for my kids I should keep trying to force a bond but on the other hand I’m really feeling a bit tired of the one sided effort".

No, no and no again. It won't work and you will end up feeling a lot worse. If the other set of grandparents are nice which they appear to be (and importantly emotionally healthy) I would concentrate my efforts on them.

What does your H think of your parents behaviour?.

I had a similar experience but my parents used to have brothers children Saturday afternoon & all day Sunday. So they wouldn't come and visit us at a weekend and if we did go up my brother used to get annoyed that we were disrupting their routine.

Mine started to come mid week when one was at school & too tired to interact after a day at school.

On the odd occasion they came to us on a weekend for a birthday or something then my brother's wife would refuse to take their children round for a few weeks to make a point. They also complained if my parents brought the children to visit us.

My SIL didn't speak to her own parents so my Dad's reasoning was that they had to help out. So my brother got a lot of his weekends child free.

It's not nice and I sympathise with you.

Hi, this is a disappointing situation for you and your DC. My family are apart geographically due to people moving away for jobs etc, and for us it has definitely made it more difficult to maintain close bonds, and in other relationships not just between grandparents to grandchildren. However, I think the best thing to do is to continue to try to spend time with these grandparents/form bonds as best you can. That way you are doing your best to encourage a relationship and the affection and experiences which are beneficial for your DC. Maybe your dad finds it easier to play with slightly older children so he might play better with yours when they are older?
see if any of the practical suggestions from other posts can help you enjoy the visits more, possibly cutting them shorter is a good idea at the moment, for all your sakes. You are the one having to make the most effort here so hopefully it will work for you as well, and whatever happens in the long run you might feel glad that you made the effort and tried to get the best relationship between gps and DCs that you could. Maybe you could take the lead in suggesting an activity for your children where gps can join in the play? Another suggestion is to introduce using the FaceTime/zoom for reading of stories etc. when you don’t visit in person. Anyway, your instincts about the grandparents may well turn out to be right but I hope you can keep giving it a try for a few years so your children and you can get the benefit of some happy memories of time with grandparents, who might turn out to be ‘ good enough’.

This does sound difficult and hurtful. I just wonder whether age could be a factor. I’m sure your children are lovely but children aged 4 and 7 are easier to play with than children aged 1 and 3. There’s a greater range of things you can do with them and communication is more straightforward.

Your father may feel more confident dealing with slightly older children. It doesn’t make his grumpiness okay but I just wonder whether that could be a factor.

Of the grandparents in our family, my mum and stepdad loved my 2 to bits but they were definitely more relaxed interacting with them when they were a bit older. I think that’s quite common.

Things will improve once your children are older.
You can't change the fact that your brother's children live closer; they will always get along well.
It is possibly not even your father's plan to ignore but rather your nieces and nephews are old enough to dictate to him the games. They will be in charge of playing with your kids too soon which will be delightful and give your a rest.
100 miles is not too far for day trips and one night visits.
Don't keep your children from their grandparents.
Try to not feel so jealous. And a close relationship with your brother's family will be an added bonus.