People not understanding impact of abusive relationship

[DivorcingEU]

This is a bit of a moan, but I do get it really, it's just hard sometimes that nobody on the outside can see.

I'm having to stop (pause) my degree for the third year due my husband who I'm trying to divorce. His behaviour over the past few months has caused me a massive amount more work and extra stress in the divorce process. I absolutely cannot get the time needed to study, even if I didn't sleep between now and June. There are also childcare problems which he sees as exclusively my problem - and simply does nothing to help with, so if I do nothing, the kids will be left waiting at the school gate. I'm already studying part time because he wouldn't let me have the childcare I needed to study full time. I've had to take two years out as a direct result of his behaviour. He's said my degree is "a hobby" and also that I'm a mother, so of course I shouldn't expect to have a career (I'm studying for a career).

I'm properly heartbroken at having to stop. It's my last year! And I'm finally able to see the abuse for what it is, but still unable to prevent this (stopping uni) happening or circumvent the impact of it.

The few people I've told have responded as though I am actively making the decision to stop studying this year. I'm not choosing this actively, I've been pushed into a corner and it's my only way out - I either stop or fail the year. There's no alternative here. But nobody sees that. They all respond like I have a choice and I'm prioritising something else. I feel strongly that this is a continuation of his abuse - which centres around controlling me and hindering my studies, and life opportunities. I feel like me stopping is an act of abuse, not a product if my agency, because nothing in me actually wants to stop. Nothing. I can't stop crying when I even think about it. I have all my books open still with notes about what to do next and I can't even bring myself to touch them. This has been for a few weeks now. I feel like closing them is submitting to the abuse. And it's silly because I've stopped now, I know it's impossible to do it, but I just don't want it to be true.

And I absolutely do not choose this. I wish people could understand that.

But of course they can't, I also know that.

Which is why I'm moaning about it here!

When I told him I was having to stop, his response was a grunt. Nothing else. He's not even asked what I'm doing now I'm not studying. Nothing. Because Hey Presto he's just got what he wants: me able to take full responsibility for the wife work and mother work. It's effing unbelievable. He's making the divorce process drag out over years so that I do the childcare while the kids are younger. When I say years, I mean since 2016. I had no idea until this last year that's what he was up to.

It doesn't take 7+ years to divorce. Or do you mean you've mentioned divorce to him but are still living as man and wife?
Are the children at school?

Thank you for accusing me of either being incompetent or lying - or perhaps both?

Why not just trust I know what's going on in my own life? I could of course explain all the details of the details, but then we'll be here all night. The facts are as given and I've not even changed any details! I live abroad and things work differently than in the U.K., including school hours, after school clubs etc and availability of childcare.

Now that's out the way..,

I completely hear you. I’m not studying for a degree but I honestly can’t concentrate on much at the moment going through a divorce with my abusive ex. I too am a full time parent and my ex has dragged everything out and makes everything 7000 times harder.

I think people don’t truly understand abuse until they’ve been in it. I’m still going through abuse post separation (with threats of money being stopped, him checking my bins, lying and just making horrific choices that affect my child and I). It’s all consuming. I would agree that stopping your studying to truly focus on your divorce would be the best bet. It’s hard to focus on anything when you’re going through this, let alone a degree! When do you think you’ll start again? After the divorce? Have you had legal advice because dragging a divorce out for 7 years must have been torturous for you mentally. Sending so many good wishes x

Sounds like you need the phone number for a good hitman....

Joking aside, don't let him drag you down to his level. You're away from him, and trying your best to make a life for yourself. Do you have any understanding friends or other school mums that can help out with childcare? And most importantly do you have professional support to get you through divorcing someone like this?

I'm sorry things are so hard for you.

It's still not very clear to me if you are living together or not? What hours are you childfree and what hours do you have to be in uni? Could any of your friends help out by picking the children up from school sometimes?

Yes agree and I hear you. Divorced now and ex has a new partner (thank god!) but it was hell for years. People almost don’t believe me I think or think I’m exaggerating or say ‘oh I’m sure he’s changed now’ etc. They just have no idea what he did to me and the hell of it…even though I’ve told them.

Play the long game- are you able to pick your studies up again to finish next year? I understand the need to focus on what’s manageable, to stay mentally strong and sometimes that means a phased plan, one step at a time. You can do this.

Nonagainst, Badger and Chloe- thank you. I really needed someone to understand.

I'm still living with him. Trust me it's not what I want. Every single weekend is something I dread. Every Monday I need almost the whole day to recover. Even if nothing happens, it's just too much for too long. Hopefully this will change in the next 12 months. My lawyer is in it. Things are infinitely more complicated because we're abroad, and he's used those complications to his advantage. If I move out I'd be homeless and because I'd done that voluntarily, it would potentially impact my custody rights in the divorce. He knows this, so he's staying put in order to keep the wraparound childcare I provide him, while he builds his career.

There's 100% no option to continue with studying this academic year. School parents isn't an option either due to where we/they live and after school things, and I don't have friends who can help.

Red honestly, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here and guessing you're trying to get more info to offer practical solutions. If I'm right, I appreciate the intention. I really am able to calculate the hours available in my schedule though. I am being abused by someone but I'm not entirely incompetent. If there was a single sliver of a way I could study I'd be doing it right now and not posting on Mumsnet. The only way I have right now to get a job that will support me and my kids is through my studies. It's crucial to my future. I've been studying at times when I'm so ill from stress of the emotional abuse that I can't walk for weeks and can't stay awake for more then an hour. If I'm having to stop now it's because there's truly no alternative. Please just accept that I am not missing something obvious or not-so-obvious. I'm just wanting support from people who understand. If you don't understand this and think I must be missing something, it can't be that bad, there's always a way etc, I'm truly happy for you.

Nonagainst, Badger and Chloe
I should add that I wish you all didn't have any reason to understand...

Are you able to grey rock him or is it impossible living in the same house? I understand the effects of abusive relationships. But something you said stuck out to me which is you told him that he's preventing you from pursuing your degree. This means emotional lines of communication are still open. He will use that to his advantage to continue to victimise you emotionally.

I wish this to all be over for you as soon as possible and that you can move on with your life. In the meantime please be kind to yourself and I'm sorry that people don't understand.

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

I can't say I've been in exactly your situation but I wonder if, while you're not able to study right now, you can still build a separate life for yourself outside of the home and away from your ex? Pursue hobbies and interests that build your self esteem and make you proud of yourself, so the damage done by living with that man is lessened a bit?

Hope your lawyer gets you everything you and your family need in the end.

Again, the whole needing time to recover or dreading I completely get! And I don’t even live with my ex but for the week prior to seeing him, I’m all over the shop. This is a hugely stressful situation for you and whilst I can’t offer a magic wand to fix it to you, I truly hope you’re giving yourself some self care and love. You really deserve it. I also hope you know what a complete tit he is and that one day in the future you will have your degree and career. Take each day as it comes and fingers crossed he pulls some humility out his arse xx

The emotional lines aren't open. He's done something practical that has meant I have a LOT more work to do in the legal process, including with frequent and more deadlines. It will result in the divorce ultimately, but it didn't have to be like this. He's had every opportunity to do the decent thing but ultimately that means the divorce will come sooner, so he doesn't. This extra work means I can't possibly study as well. And that's then had an emotional impact. I'm basically grey rocking him these days. I have nothing to say to him anyway, I just want him out.

It's a good idea. I just can't get the energy. This last thing has destroyed something in me. I feel so broken. It's also so consuming that it's hard to meet new people and start new things, because when people ask how you are, in the regular way, I feel like I can't say "Fine" anymore. I have been lying about how I am for years and it's almost painful to do it now. So I tend to stay in.

I just want to thank you all for being supportive. It's been so hard for so long and mostly I can just get on with it. This uni thing is something else though and having to pretend to people that they're correct in their assumption that I'm actively "choosing to take a break from studying" is unbearable. It's made a difference to how I feel this evening to read your posts. Thank you.

my ex husband would do anything to disrupt my studies. At the start he was really supportive, but then a few weeks into the course he would make life a living hell with emotional abuse first, then physical. In the end I stopped the course to keep the piece. Planned my escape and left a year later. I was a foreigner in the UK at that time and divorcing him took a long time. The people I thought would understand domestic abuse really did not and you learn really quickly the stigma for disclosing domestic abuse. The stigma is almost as bad as the abuse due to how it leaves you thinking of yourself after. I hope you get to finish your studies eventually, but I hope even more you get that divorce too. I hope you are looking after you as well as you can at the moment.

I do sympathise. He's a shit.

You said this about hobbies

It's a good idea. I just can't get the energy. This last thing has destroyed something in me. I feel so broken. It's also so consuming that it's hard to meet new people and start new things, because when people ask how you are, in the regular way, I feel like I can't say "Fine" anymore. I have been lying about how I am for years and it's almost painful to do it now. So I tend to stay in.

It's fair enough, you're exhausted at the moment, both physically and emotionally. I'm sorry that you have to stop studying right now, truly sorry. I know what that's like.

Lick your wounds.
Deal with the divorce.
There's always next year, or even the year after.

Please do tell the Welfare Officer or equivalent at Uni exactly why you have to give up for the moment. Don't pussy-foot around, "My husband doesn't want me to do it and has made everything so hard for me that I have no choice and I'm really really upset about it, and want to continue and what options are there" etc. If yyou feel tearful, don't hide it, cry if that's how you feel. Be completely honest with them. I don't know of any Uni that doesn't want you to finish your degree, so at the very least tell your Tutor.

When you've had a bit of rest from the stress of having too much to do and too many deadlines, you might then think about a hobby or sport. He's got what he wanted now, so he might be a bit more helpful about letting you go on a Saturday or Sunday morning, if it's not connected with your subject and future job. BUT you never know who's around the corner, so you could meet anyone doing something new, even someone who could help you or support you through the divorce, or after when you return to study or getting a job thereafter. Sometimes people seem to fall from Heaven just to help.