Need to leave before I cheat

[Ohffswhattodo]

I could really do with some objective advice. I want to leave but i dont know where to start. Been with H for 8years, have 3 dc - ds17 and ds12, mine and ds5 ours. Married 3 years. We rent our house.

Don't even know where to start with this. He hates my family, won't mix with my friends, we moved to be near his family and I left my life behind pretty much. We've settled here now and I still have my wonderful lifelong friends (an hour away) but have made new local ones, kids are settled, i have a job that doesnt require childcare etc. We have lives here now. His family are great, but the marriage is dead, not sure it ever really started.

H suffers terribly with anxiety, particularly health anxiety which I have tried to be full of sympathy for but it's exhausting when he won't get help. He constantly questions my parenting, undermines me and as a result our youngest is such hard work. He thinks he's made of glass I'm sure. H has a new ache or illness everyday but there's nothing wrong with him.

He does nothing aside from his full time job which since covid is from home. All house, kids, car, garden, pet care, garage, bins, DIY, decorating, admin, everything is down to me. There are no blue jobs at all in this house.

He doesn't want to do anything and has no interest in me at all, his idea of a date night is going to a place walking distance from the house, having dinner then leaving as soon as I've finished my last bite to go home and put the telly on.

He is obsessed with gaming and spends most nights glued to the xbox.

He has never had much of a sex drive (except for first few months and then when ttc) and its been an issue but now its not even full sex a couple of times a year. I've tried everything, I've tried saying nothing, it's slowly destroyed my self esteem. All he cares about is where his next meal is coming from.

I'm by no means perfect but I can't go on like this. I still have life left to live.

I'm not entitled to any single parent support (we split last year - his post covid breakdown) and I was denied all support and appeals. So it'll be so so hard financially.

I'm considering an affair, not with anyone in particular I'm just desperate to feel like a person again.

Where do I start?

Oh and (most importantly!) he hates my eldest ds so won't be in the same room as him. He's a good kid, just a normal teen causes me no problems.

I think you’re right, it sounds like you should end this relationship.

Hell yes. Leave. Run like the wind from this dead end. He hates your child!

You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone that doesn't like your child full stop . This relationship sounds horrendous this is no way to live , please make plans to leave for your own sanity .

When it's all written put it's so so clear but the reality is really not. I can start working towards going full time, I've already made it clear I want more hours but even then I'm going to struggle moneywise. I have no other financial options available to me for another 18 months at least (which I won't go into)

That’s the most important factor here and is an add on. I was in that situation, I left. Life is short, your current life sounds miserable and you cannot let your child live in a house where he’s hated for no reason. Same happened to me and I later (10yrs later) found out my ex did it on purpose to hurt me as he was insecure how I felt about him (and he was right, by that stage I didn’t like him much at all as he had already started making my DS feel left out) - and hurting me via my son was the only way he could get to me. Who even does that? It’s left scars for us all, even him. I should have left before it got to this point and I’ll always regret it.

Currently in a new relationship and feel alive again, falling in love and having the best sex of my life. There’s a life out there - go and find it

You need to start a plan. In my experience, even when you know, deep down, that it is over/never really started, it takes time to work out the logistics and also get your head around it.

Talk to your friends. Be honest with them. Your support network is the key here.

How did you manage before you met him? You would have had a 9 and a 4 year old then so that must have been harder surely?

I don't understand why you would be in a relationship with someone who doesn't like your child, how could you possibly think that is ok? I can't imagine what it is doing to that poor kids self esteem.

My friends have been fantastic, I'm very lucky to have them. They know everything and are in my corner. They understood why I wanted to try again last year as my finances at that time would have meant a move very very far away. They'll be on the phone 24/7 if I need them. Whichi definitely will.

I wonder how on earth you think this helps? Do you feel better now? Superior maybe?

Definitely leave him. I cant understand why you would ever stay with a man that hates your child and wont be in the same room as him.

To be fair, I think they are reasonable questions.

Before when I was a single parent I ran my own business, I did ok moneywise. Not something I could pick back up unfortunately.

Working hours mean that they aren't often here at the same time and it hasn't always been this way but yes, it's utterly shit and it makes me so angry but nothing is black and white.

I think it’s unusual that you post a lot about how you are miserable but his awful treatment of your DS is posted as an afterthought

I think posters are reacting to how that appears in your priorities

Put your children first: leave this horrible man.

I get that. I did say it was the most important point and to me its absolutely not an afterthought its all i worry about. Day to day they don't particularly cross paths very much, ds is out with friends or in his room gaming with friends or at the gym/work/college and other times just with me and his brothers. H doesnt spend much time with any of us, he's mostly in his office or gaming elsewhere in the house. It's very much me and the kids and he is pretty detached. Not much of a family life but noone is at each others throats, just lots of avoidance. It's shit.

What an awful person you are. Did it make you feel good? I actually feel sad for you, that this was the most positive thing you could contribute to someone elses life problem.

Reported

You might wish to learn to read beyond a title. You look rather foolish.