confused, angry, upset and everything inbetween

[confusedlife23]

hello,
im not sure why im writting this but i need to rant and get it off my chest.

Quick backstory
Me and DH have children together, the youngest being 6 but over the last year id say ive wanted nothing more than another baby, im 35 so to me times ticking and i just want that last one, im sure im not the only one thats felt like this. Anyway DH doesnt, not interested in even talking about it. December last year we had a drunken accident & i took emergency contraceptive (not that i wanted too) this failed and i found out in january i was pregnant. i was scared because i knew he didnt want one but deep down happy. His reaction to the test i shown him just broke me, wasnt bothered, infact he didnt say a word about it, fast forward a few days i unfortunately lost it & you can imagine how broken i felt. This has made me want one even more. i just think about it everyday but i know we cant have one because it needs to be a joint decision. Last night after a chat about things we did things and one thing led to another and no protection was used. I stupidly thought after our chat he'd changed his mind and we was just going to 'see how it goes'. This morning hes asked me when im ordering emergency contraception.

So, what im wanting to know is will this ever go away, will my broodiness subside eventually? i know it would be a selfish decision to try and convince him to have one when deep down its not what he wants but ive got to somehow get over this, get over his reaction of not caring, having a miscarriage and him just assuming il take the pill whenever we have an accident.
At the same time i can also tell him to wrap it up when we're 'at it' but its difficult when its something i want... does that make sense?

what a rumble, my heads a complete mess, hope it makes sense?

Please be nice with your replies. i would never make him have one because i did im just worried that im going to feel resentment.

forgot to add he also booked in to have the snip then cancelled it monday, its like he keeps giving me bits of hope then taking them away.

x

Well, apart from the fact that he is being incredibly cruel and messing with your head... and you should tell him that.

Tell him he takes responsibility for contraception from the start of any physical interaction. Be clear that you will not be taking action if this happens again.

But in answer to your more general question, when I was late 30s early 40s I felt similarly driven - hormones? last chance? that very particular sweet smell of a baby's head? I don't know. All logic said not to do it. We agreed not to have any more children. But oh, the longing...

A few years later (without any more children) I really appreciated the life I had, the time I could take to enjoy and support the children we did have, to be with them during times of teenage angst, to have a family holiday travelling and trekking in Vietnam (a source of so many of our shared family memories). And now I have grandchildren and I have time to help, to enjoy another generation of babies.

So yes, for me, that feeling of longing did go away. Completely.

Your DH is not being fair here about contraception. If he doesn't want a baby he needs to take more responsibility.
Do you want to take the morning after pill? If you don't want to, don't. It's your decision, your body.
I also wanted a second baby in my late 30's. DH did not. We didn't have another child.
I wasn't happy about this for several years but have made peace with it and am very happy with the family I have. I actually wouldn't want a baby now.

thankyou both for replying
venusandmars - your right he is being cruel in his behaviour, im struggling with that as much as not having another one, we've been married for many many years and i always athought he'd be supportive towards me in any situation, i suppose its made me look at him differently. It may just be a hormone change like you say, and i hope it is but the longing for the weight of a baby on my chest when its sleeping and the smell of their little heads is taking over. I really hope it does pass soon and i cant get over it without having too much resentment towards him but at the minute i want him nowhere near me x

beamur - Hes not but he sees no problem, he doesnt understand why im being so touchy and dramatic. i cant take the contraceptive pill myself because of high blood pressure and the mini pill, injection and implant just gives me so many side effects im constantly poorly. I dont want to take it no, that also makes me quite unwell for a few days to a week but i will have to, what if i get pregnant and he hates me for not taking it etc. i think i need to just keep quite and get over it myself. Seems like a common thing of wanting one more in your 30s from what ive googled too. x

He needs to get a vasectomy if he doesn't want more children.

He really should not refuse to use contraception and then demand you take MAP. He’s sending mixed messages and also making it quite plain he sees it as your problem.

How many children do you have currently, and what are their ages?

Stop having sex with him until he's had the snip.
tell him you won't be taking the MAP again because it affects your hormones.
stop having unprotected sex in the hope he will change his mind because he clearly won't.

Unprotected sex can lead to a baby. If your DH doesn’t want another baby he should remember to use condoms. He made his choice to have sex without a condom and you can now make a choice not to take the MAP.

He doesn’t sound like a very nice person. Do you want to remain married to him? If you are not going to stay together would you want to be raising another baby alone?

Honestly in this situation I would be telling him that he is to take responsibility for contraception. Tell him that if he has unprotected sex with you then you will not be taking the morning after pill because you don't want to.

He can't keep having unprotected sex with you, telling you to take the map, booking the snip, cancelling the snip, can't he see how unreasonable this is? If he's had unprotected sex with you twice within a relatively short amount of time then he really is being extremely unreasonable and unfair to say he doesn't want a baby

Do not produce a child with a reluctant father. It's SO unfair to the human being that child will be. You have to think more long-term of the offspring than your own immediate emotional need for a baby. This is a 70-100 year decision, not a whim.

It sounds as though you could use some counseling re your self image and your relationship. Good luck.

Horrible man.

Let this be the end of it.

You are too young to be settling for such an unkind man.

If this results in a pregnancy and you want to keep it, do.

Terminate him and keep the pregnancy.