Is this abuse, what do I do

[Loug87]

I don't really know what to think I just need some advice or someone to tell me that this isn't normal. So iv been with my other half for 14 years there is no physical violence at all and sometimes everything is great but he can be very erratic, If he's in a bad mood I get it, not physically but he will say all I do is sit on my phone and that he isn't doing this anymore and how the house is a tip, which is a complete lie, for instance our good friends wedding is this year which we are meant to be going to and yesterday he now said he's made the decision he isn't going and I can do whatever the f××k I like but how he's going on holiday with our son, we had agreed we would go away and be back for the wedding but now he's adamant he's going away over it and he is saying if I go that I would rather choose someone's wedding over my son. When I go out with my friends he starts arguments and slabbers at me to be home for certain times yet he goes out and doesn't come in to all hours of the morning. He calls my friends vile names. He will have outbursts where he calls me a tramp and tells me to go f**k, im scared to do anything because he can be really dangerous not with me but I know he has been with others and he always says his child will go nowhere, he also threatens to do things to my dad, I don't know what end of me is up. His family are amazing and have my back but basically I'm scared to leave incase he tries to take my son or tries to do something to my dad. My son is my world and he adores me he's very much a mummys boy. He is a very good dad I wouldn't ever say otherwise and he's good with money etc we don't go without but it's just the above issues, I'm not happy and I find myself when he threatens things I start to beg and beg him to not leave etc. I just have no idea what to do, I love him but it's not normal behavior. I have been feeling like this for a long time but just palmed it off, everything can be great and it comes out of nowhere and all that yesterday just reminded me that I'm not happy. It's always his way, he can go out with his friends when he wants and it's fine when we go out together with our friends but when it comes to me going out the petty comments start, it's fine if it's dinner or coffee but if it's for a night out it's different, I constantly make excuses to not go out as it's really anything for an easy life. I just feel on eggshells all the time.

I am not happy but how do I walk away without him trying to talk my son or harming my dad, he's very errratic and takes d**gs and is involved in things.

I just know I can't keep doing this

This really sounds like coercive control to me, which is abuse. You shouldn’t have to live permanently walking on eggshells and it’s no way for your son to grow up.

He isn’t a good dad if he creates that home environment for his child. Being a good dad isn’t just being present and providing financially, it’s protecting your child and teaching them. Your partner is teaching your son that love is about bullying your partner and threatening their (I presume elderly or at least older) family. Lots of children emulate the behaviour they grow up with, would you be happy if your son was just like his dad as an adult?

Is there someone you trust that you could talk to or could you talk to a charity like Women’s Aid maybe? There is support out there to help you keep your son and protect your dad whilst also creating a new life which is more peaceful and free from your partner’s behaviour.

He is not "a very good dad". Because he is an abuser.
He is not "a very good dad". Because he takes drugs and is "involved in things" by which I take this to mean criminal and dodgy activities.
He is not "a very good dad". Because he abuses the mother of his child.
He is not "a very good dad". Because he threatens your dad.

He is actually a useless poor excuse for a father who should be totally ashamed of himself.

Wake up to what he really is and get the support you need to end this. Your child will really suffer, being exposed to this.

He is not a good dad. A good dad doesn't make his child's mother feel like this. You should never be scared of him. It's time for the Mumsnet classic 'LTB'. Not that easy I know but seek the relevant support - usually called getting your ducks in a row on here - and save yourself and your child from this misery. There is a way out.

I know everything you are saying is 100 percent right. I'm just scared of what he would do, my dad is only in his 50s and could handle him but I don't want to put him in that position, he is so nice to my dad then when he's full of drink and what not hes saying all sorts. I know I would be happier on my own but I'm just so scared, what if he tries to take my son? He always says my son will go nowhere, I will leave work and he'll be with me. Never in a million years would I let that happen, I don't ever want to deny access as I'm not that type of person but I just know it could get so messy, the rental I'm in is in my name but he would never leave, I just honestly don't know what to do. Noone knows about this at all, I think I'm also scared to talk then it's like it's actually happening if that makes sense. My worry is my son and him trying to take him from me. My head is in such a spin because I do love him but I just know this isn't normal. I have relocated from my home town just recently because he wanted to, and I am happy enough here and have friends it's closer to work etc but iv done everything I can and still makes no difference. Everything can be absolutely fine then it just all goes to pott. Sorry for the ramble but noone else knows and I just need to get it off my chest

If a child is under 18 and sees or hears domestic abuse happening to a family member, this is also domestic abuse. If they experience abuse, this is child abuse.

If you want to stay at home, you could get legal protection to keep the abuser away.

You can ask the court to stop your partner harming or threatening you – this is called a ‘non-molestation order’ and/or get your partner to leave your home or stop them coming back – this is called an ‘occupation order’.

You can apply for a non-molestation order or an occupation order using a free tool called CourtNav that’s run by RCJ Citizens Advice. This is a Citizens Advice office which specialises in legal services.

The CourtNav system will help you find the best way forward and check if you can get legal aid to help with your legal costs. It will either help you find a legal aid solicitor if you can get legal aid or help you apply to the court yourself.

You can start an application through CourtNav.

This sound's awful op get rid of him

He's not a good dad @Loug87 , I wouldn't be surprised if, if he did try and go on this holiday and deliberately clash with the wedding, then he would be saying to your son 'mummy would rather see her friends than us,' i.e. parental alienation/using your son as a weapon. This is the sort of stuff abusive men do eventually, and of course it is abusive to your boy. He does not have to have this trip when there was something else planned. This is deliberate.

Please find a way to separate from him; maybe chat to Women's Aid for some ideas/moral support.