Hi all. 🤦🏼♀️ Sorry its a long one. I am beside myself and taking to the Internet as I don't know how to cope any more.. Our relationship of over 4 years has had its ups and downs but mostly our downs have been over his porn addiction, made worse by his erectile dysfunction. So initially his argument was about how he would rather masturbate to porn because then he isn't disappointing me with his ED. - I have never ever had a problem with this, and knew about it before we even got together!! He won't get help for it though and I am absolutely convinced his ED is BECAUSE he looks at so much porn and not the other way round. Even showed him science reports that confirm my theory. He won't accept it. He spends a super long time in the toilet when he goes to 💩 multiple times a day from 30 minutes - 2 hours and then claims he lost track of time reading or watching YouTube (with the sound off). He has several porn profiles, the type that say when he was last online.. Some even say the content he watched, looked at or favourited. After MANY arguments over this I came to accept that he looks at porn / masturbates.. Saves pictures to his phone or videos to favourites to watch later if he wasn't actively masturbating but just looking.. He still very much loves me and wants to be with me. - If you don't understand that then basically it's complicated x.
So just before Christmas he got a new phone and backed up his old phone pics, inc a "hidden" folder to his Google photos on our joint pc. I was on our pc when it updated saying thousands of pictures had been back dated to Google photos which was FULL and the preview image was that of Amy; a girl he used to have cyber sex with.. And if she didn't live in America would have probkrbky been together. I recognised her as she is very much into the pinup look and has bright orange hair she's very very distinctive and we had argued about her before..!! - I don't know why I clicked it but there was thousands of porn, our friends in swim suits, his ex / those cyber girls - all recent pics taken from their social media's inc print screens of videos (I went onto their socials and looked, same pics dated from the last 2 years). Google photos showed he was printscreening these pictures almost daily for 2 years.. Which is about a month after I first found out he had paid a few thousand to their OFans.. / all this really came to light (which I found out as he left his phone unlocked and as he put it down to answer the front door it did that preview of open aps and his incognito web browser showed her fully naked on OFans - I clicked it and it showed all the payments he had made to her and to these other girls and an ex of his at the time.. As well as free to view porn women he's paying for also.. In total around 3k. Many of these women I'd asked him to block there and then especially Amy and Emma. Along side his OFans but clearly he has fake/new accounts to follow them or just looks at them but they're not blocked 🤷🏼♀️. - He claimed this was his way to cope after losing his job during Covid. Eventually I "allowed" him to masturbate to porn to deal with his depression / ED. ANYWAYS.. Back to Christmas: We had a massive fight and I ended our relationship which was incredibly difficult. He was really sorry but he just saw it as a way to relieve himself and honestly since I was "OK" with his masturbation habits to porn, even brought it to the bedroom a few times, he didn't see that THIS was any different to porn. (c'mon we all know it is.) He explained isn't actively friends or talking to his exes or those cyber women and hasn't for years and years. It was just a relief thing. Anyways, hours of talking later we stayed together (for our family) and he agreed to be a lot more open with me. He deleted those pictures, to my knowledge and said he wouldn't do THAT anymore, nor look at them, he didn't realise it would upset me so much. Right. OK. I ended up confessing I spy on his porn accounts and how unhealthy it is for me to snoop and not trust him especially when I don't know any other woman who would let their man look at whatever porn he wants whenever he wants.. But he isn't open with me about it. During sex he would even lie and say he hadn't been looking at porn when I knew for a fact he had. Many times over the last year or so.. With emphasis on I've become almost obsessed with checking in on them after he's been to the toilet. Which I shouldn't. And I admitted that sometimes I got turned on by it. He said the fact that I did he was turned on by! He wished I was more open with him too about what I wanted / thought.. Had been doing.. Since that day he hasn't been on ANY of his accounts, even the ones he doesn't know I know about / know the passwords for. But his bathroom habits have continued.. For over a month..!! So he's still doing something just hiding it better?? I haven't said anything. He told me he blocked his exes and cyber girls he use to talk to online, especially Amy and Emma who's posts include OFans. And I wanted to believe him.. We had a crazy few days of sex, any chance we got and indeed even inc porn on the TV. After that we didn't for like a month, not that we didn't want to we both just had a lot on with work and our family etc.. But is he still getting up an hour or so early before work to masturbate to porn and finding new ways of excluding me..?!! Maybe he is trying to cut back on it??
This weekend we were home alone and with no plans and so new nightress and Saturday night we were intimate for the first time in a month!! Which fell short due to his ED. But that was OK a good time was had by all still and then TV snuggles until the early hours.. I kept the new night dress on in hopes to spur a kinky Sunday morning.. He had set an alarm for 5am as he was on earlies and somehow had turned the alarm on a day early. It woke us both up, but I was incredibly tired so hoped if I didn't make a sound we would both go back to sleep for a couple more hours!! He grabbed his phone, turned the alarm off, checked his phone notifications, went onto Instagram and scrolled through several of Amy's photos - who clearly isn't blocked, put his phone down and then turned to me (I pretended to still be asleep as I didn't know what to say) and then started being sexual with me as he was erect.. Which felt horrible. Sex was over quickly due to his ED and then he went to the toilet for the best part of 40 minutes. After we resumed about our day. About 1pm I went incredibly tired so went to go have a nap. He decided to take some viagra so when I wake up we could have sex. Spends 5 minutes caressing me though I was grumpy because I needed to sleep. About 15 minutes into my nap he wakes me up for sex. Me being so incredibly tired just went along with it. He actually came quickly and so it was just the same as him losing his erecrion for me. After he got up and went back to playing on the PlayStation in the other room. I keep thinking about it all over and over in my head this week. I know it was Amy.. BUT am I sure it was? I didn't have my glasses on.. I was looking out the corner of my eye.. BUT who else do we know who is into pin up with bright orange hair and fireengine red lipstick??! - I said nothing. I should of said something. While her profile was still in his recently searched.. While there was some kind of proof.. Hmm...
This week he has been working over time and honestly we haven't seen much of each other except for a few hours at night in which we're mostly watching TV alone together in bed. Each morning he leaves for 5.30am but gets up at 3 and spends upto an hour in the toilet.. the toilet, not the bathroom. But still he hasn't been on any of those sites. Today was different. I had been up all night working on my papers and despite trying to sleep I had a lot going on in my mind. So I'd been up all night.. I'd been trying to sleep since 2 but kept remembering things I needed to do.. His alarm went off at 3, he woke up.. He didn't even acknowledge me (who WAS trying to get to sleep) and went to the toilet. I don't know what made me be suddenly wide awake and check his accounts but the very first one I saw that he was on this porn site again. There's one particular forum that not only tells you if they're online, when they were last online (inc seconds) but also exactly what forum thread they were looking at.. Every couple of minutes it refreshed to say he was looking at this porn star, that porn star, these boobs, those boobs.. etc. Which didn't bother me. Honest! After 58 minutes he came out the toilet and was surprised to find I was awake!! I explained I was awake before, I've been working on my papers all night and I haven't been to sleep yet - but I am tired. He explained how he has pins and needles in his feet. I said how he's been in the cold toilet for over 55 minutes. He said yeh he got caught up reading some stuff about Destiny (a playstation game we play). I in a jokey voice said "you mean you were looking at porn!" He scoffed and said "NO! I wasn't actually.. I was in fact, reading!!" He seemed irritated I'd accused him of something he hadn't done..!! I said "oh? So you haven't been masturbating?" He said "NO!". I said "and you haven't been on your porn accounts?" he continued to sort his clothes, not looking at me and said "NO!". I said "well I know you have been on (name of site)!! Looking at (names of women and things)!!" and he said "I haven't been on that account in months! I am telling you I was reading about Destiny!" Then he changed the subject, started telling the Dogs about what time he was coming home today (early) and fussing them.. And he went to the bathroom to get ready for work, kissed me goodbye and left. I know for a FACT he was on that account the whole time. I know for a FACT that the forums he was visiting are the porn stars and types of porn he looks at out of thousands of women / people and kinks.. Definitely him. There's no way it was someone else or a glitch on their website. So why lie to me?? He knows I am "OK" with it.. So why lie? Again? What purpose does it serve to lie about it.. I could have said he was in there for 55 minutes and he could have said really that long? Or complained about the lack of radiator! Or simply changed the subject. Not lied and said he was reading....... Plus that toilet is so cold, he must be truly committed to whatever he's doing to stay in there!!
I guess I just need to understand why lie?