Can ignorance really be blissful?

[MohairTortoise]

If your DH/DW had an affair, have you ever regretted discovering? Wouldn't you prefer to live in blissful ignorance?
I discovered my XH had a long term affair a number of years ago, and it absolutely changed my life.
As soon as I discovered the affair, despite my XH begging me to stay, I just knew I could never ever trust him again, and consequently, I divorced him.
Since then, I have had 2 relationships and despite both partners being really lovely men, I found I couldnt trust them completely. I found myself extra vigilant in case they cheated and had many conversations where I'd make it clear that I'd rather they ended our relationship rather than be unfaithful, which they both agreed with.
In the end, I realised I wasn't happy to be constantly extra vigilant and yet, try as I might, I couldnt stop myself from worrying.
The possibility that the person closest to me could betray me is imprinted in my brain in a way it never was before my XH cheated.
Now I wonder if it would have been preferable to have lived in blissful ignorance, because perhaps I wouldn't be left with these trust issues?
Ending my marriage didn't end my trust issues and now I fear I will live with them for the rest of my life.
I think I would rather be on my own than put that much faith in someone again.

So, if you are married, would you prefer to know if your spouse was cheating and if you discovered your spouse was unfaithful, do you ever regret finding out?
For those who have been on this traumatic journey, how did you learn to trust again?
Is it possible to trust someone as much as you trusted your cheating spouse before you discovered their betrayal? Or do you also believe it has changed you forever?

Ignorance can be bliss. Pretending you don't know is not ignorance. It's painful, humiliating hell.

I often wonder how simple life would have been if I had never discovered his deceit! I wouldn't have felt humiliated or hurt if I didnt know.
I knew I couldn't have ignored it, it would have eaten me alive, however, have I fared any better for knowing?
I still feel like I live with the consequences of being unable to completely trust someone like I did before OW, despite divorcing and having therapy.
My therapist explained that I will never be the person I was before the betrayal, that I cannot unknow that the person closest to me was capable of such levels of deceit and lies, while I was oblivious for the longest time.
If I could have got it so wrong, about the person I was married to, lived with every single day, how could I ever 100% trust my judgement again?
If I had never known, I would still be able to trust my judgement.

My XH cheated on me about 18 years ago. If completely broke my heart and rocked my foundations, I trusted him utterly. It took me about 10 years to get to a point where I could trust again, but now I'm in a wonderful relationship with someone I trust implicitly. I never regretted finding out.

Op I don't know the answer, but every word resonated with me. My first husband was my childhood sweetheart, we met at 14, got married at 21, had 2 children, but he left me suddenly aged 36, no warning, no suspicion, nothing. It shook me to the core and now, 10 years later, I'm still struggling to trust. I'm engaged and happy but he doesn't know the half of my inner torment, I'm hyper vigilant, it's exhausting. I've had therapy, but I didn't get any real help from it, she made me realise I'm judging him by my ex husband's behaviour but I'm so scared of fully letting my guard down again that I have considered ending what is a fantastic relationship as my own mind won't let me relax. My fiance isn't getting the true me, he's getting a slightly reserved, wary version, he just doesn't know it.

In answer to your question, personally, I can't stand the thought of being ignorant to it, but I'm starting to agree that it is bliss not to know, life has certainly never been as care free since

I've made myself quite sad reading that back!!!!

You might want to change your mindset to risk a bit
and it’s very easy to say this ….

but not everyone cheats
and there are different types of cheating

and the trick is to both try and trust and know you would survive if it happened again

but it must have been so immensely painful and I’m sorry your are carrying this

and its good you know as otherwise you’d have stayed
but I imagine some of the pain is because you totally didn’t spot it , and it was long over when you found out ?

probably not very helpful I’m sorry 😞

I don't believe it is healthy to trust anyone 100% - we are all humans.

Don't even trust yourself blindly, how many time have you acted out of character and surprised even you?

For me the sweet spot is to accept that anything can change is a split second, life and people are bound to disappoint you at some point and never lasts forever - you will lose a relationship at some point even if it is through death.

Living like this gives me the freedom to enjoy the present moment, accept people (and I) do make mistakes and will continue making mistakes and this brings less judgement to all involved but I know exactly what my limits and boundaries are and I know I will move forward regardless and despite of other people's actions.

It is not like a lack of trust - it is more like trusting while understanding and accepting that the trust might be betrayed and bee ok with it because that is just life.

I often wonder how simple life would have been if I had never discovered his deceit! I wouldn't have felt humiliated or hurt if I didnt know.
This is interesting, as I don't think I felt humiliated by my exh's affair. I think he's the one who looked stupid. And I was hurt more by his behaviour before I found out what was going on. To justify his actions to himself, he was digging up every single thing he'd ever found annoying about me in the previous 20 years, plus making stuff up and making me out to be a horrible bitch. After I found out why he was doing this, it made a lot more sense, and I started to realise that he was being unfair. Before that, I was tearing myself apart trying to prove that his accusations were exaggerated or untrue. Once I found out (and read his emails with other lies about me that he hadn't brought up), I could stop defending myself. It was a relief.
Who knows what would have happened to you if your dp's affair had gone on longer before you found out. Maybe he'd have started the gaslighting and mindgames on you, too.

Is it possible to trust someone as much as you trusted your cheating spouse before you discovered their betrayal?
I didn't think my exh would do the things that he did - he evidently got off on the secrecy and rather liked the seediness! But I never thought that an affair was impossible. With my current dp, I think he could easily have an affair, but feel like he'd treat me a bit better during the affair - not blame it on me, not go into instant DARVO if I suspected something. That's trusting, if a different kind of trust to what you mean. And if he started behaving badly after all, I'd get out without waiting for any proof of an affair. Maybe that's all wishful thinking, but I guess that's how my mind has dealt with it - focusing on the behaviour around the affair, things I can control, not on things that are beyond my control.

How do you really know that a spouse wasn't aware and was truthfully in ignorance bliss except if you were in their head until the moment they died without ever knowing?
It's very difficult to successfully hide an affair forever, cheaters tend to enjoy the thrill element, people tend to slack and get lazy and complacent. Other parties get jealous and vindictive. People start making mistakes. I think people turn a blind eye rather than truthfully fully unaware but that's my theory and again I'm not in anybody's head but mine.

For every saying there is an opposite saying, take what suits you or the point you are trying to make and leave the rest. I wouldn't try to live my life by a saying. There is a counter argument for everything.

Your lack of trust could have been from anything, people get like this from parental abandonment. I know this isn't your case, but mistrustfulness isn't unusual. This is something you need to work on with self help resources or therapist. I would wonder though whether the ex shattered your innocence and naivity in believing ever lasting love and faithfulness because the more temptation your spouse faces due to their status, constant social media approaches,good looks, power, position in life, work lifestyle... the harder it is for a fallible human to stay loyal. I would ask myself why I thought they wouldn't be capable of cheating? Men cheat for all sorts of reasons. They could have Diana or Shakira and they still cheat.

Cheaters steal their partner's innocence, I think. Not that it's innocent placing your trust in your partner and believing that when they say their marriage vows, they mean them. But looking back at times when you were in this trusting mindset from the perspective you find yourself in after finding out about the infidelity - well, the world seems like it was an innocent place by comparison.
Cheaters taint their partner's world when they cheat.
So in that respect, I would say ignorance is bliss.

You have to trust yourself, not someone else. You can trust people a lot, but you can never trust anyone 100% The only thing you can know for sure is that if they break your trust, you will have your own back, you'll be able to take care of yourself, and you'll be on your own side. Once you've got that sorted, you can move into new relationships with confidence.

drivingavanbacknorth

thats a very good way Of describing it 🥲

Watchkeys
that’s very true , but it’s hard work to get to that state

but it’s hard work to get to that state

It's not. I thought it was for a long time, too, and then one day it struck me: from here on in, I'll do what's right for me. If somebody cares about me, they'll support that.

There's no work in that change of mindset. It's a momentary realisation. When you realise that it's not hard work is when you 'get it', and your life changes. We can all do it in an instant.

Watchkeys

im very pleased you had that realisation
and I’m pleased you are good !

but gently we are all different , and how people respond to negative messaging varies hugely

so not everyone CAN in an instant
maybe over time .. yes

You have to trust yourself, not someone else. You can trust people a lot, but you can never trust anyone 100% The only thing you can know for sure is that if they break your trust, you will have your own back, you'll be able to take care of yourself, and you'll be on your own side.

I like this ^^very much and understand this as well ,
When you realise that it's not hard work is when you 'get it', and your life changes.

What a marvellous life affirming thing it would be if we could help our children to understand this.

Gently, I disagree.

It changes you but you can move on. Accept you are a different person. Don't make the other person the centre of your world. Don't love without reservations but equally done mistrust without good reason. Distance yourself a little Many good marriages exist where couples don't exist only for each other. It's a different love but just as good

People change over time.

nobody is stupid for loving and trusting someone who loves them back and was trustworthy initially.

the fact they changed for the worse is no reflection on you.

I love my husband, but it took me a very long time to put myself in the vulnerable position of being legally married to him as ex lied cheated and the cost of divorcing him was horrific.

I made a conscious decision with DH to be happy and accept him at face value. Yes he has the same potential of lying and cheating if he wants to. But he has chosen not to. And I don’t want my previous experience to define the rest of my life.

I also know I can pick myself up and dust myself down if I need to. I can be truly kickass when I need to be.

i also didn’t feel humiliated at ex’s cheating, by the time that came to light it was one of his lesser awful traits. It was all on him. He couldn’t keep it in his pants.

Having just divorced my exH who was a serial cheat, I can safely say I would never want to still be married to him, and never finding out would have just prolonged the period of time I was taken for an utter mug, and my life was made foolish, I was made a fool of. That was one of the most difficult parts of betrayal - the sheer humiliation and the fact he was arrogant and uncaring enough to keep it from me.

Painful AF finding out but it's sure as hell better that I got away from it by discovering it. I gave myself the respect that he couldn't give me by ending the marriage.