Hello everyone and thank you for taking the time to read my post.
Me and my husband have been together for 6 years. In the past he has been unfaithful, not physically but through messages with other women. I found out and I forgave him, not knowing what forgiving really meant.
4 years later and not much has changed. There is no trust from my side, always feel like I have to look over my shoulder to be sure he isn't hiding something else. Honestly, he is giving me the ick. Knowing what he did has given me the ick. There have been some minor incidents through the years, him looking up profiles from other girls and that sort of stuff. Nothing too major but after his first slip it gives me doubts.
I seem to not get past the point of letting my guard down again, I am actually at the point of feeling done. When I look at him I can't feel intimacy, I see a friend. I build my walls 4 years ago and the walls feel too comfortable to break down. Is this something I should fix or does anyone know from experience that this is unfixable? Not the type of woman who wants to throw her marriage into the garbage can but I am also not looking forward to having this feeling I am feeling right now for the rest of my life.
Our sex life is also nearly existing. Hasn't been great from the start. The first year was excellent but when his father died 5 years ago it completely changed. I thought it would get better once he would have less stress but he never really initiated it anymore. I would be the one to or we wouldn't have sex. I gave up after finding out he was chatting with other women cause at that time I felt disgust. Didn't feel the need for it after anymore either but I do miss having a great sex life. I just can't think of having sex with him.
We are all beautiful the way we are, I am in no way saying I am perfect, but I am a beautiful woman with a good body. I doubted that at the start of our troubles, thinking he wasn't attracted to me anymore, but I get plenty of male attention and I know I am enough...