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Original poster

What is acceptable behaviour?

23 replies

OnTheMend72 · 02/02/2023 14:50

Hi, this is my first post and I don't know exactly what I want to get from it, just that there's lots bottled up. My wife and I have been married 21 years, but together 31. I'd say she's a hyper sensitive person abd somewhat socially awkward and I'm not, which has helped her in the past to see things reasonably and logically. Anyway, I digress. Just before Xmas her parents came over to stay and unfortunately, her mum had to be hospitalised with a respiratory virus. She was in for around 9 days and my wife stayed with her every day and night along with her dad. My parents tried a couple of times to ring them to ask but never managed to get through so they stopped calling as I was keeping them updated. One day I mentioned to my wife that my parents tried to call but she denied having any missed calls. This turned into a full blown argument, her calling my parents liars. My parents did visit her once and no more as my dad is in remission from cancer and his defences can be low . This, however, then turned into completely ignoring my parents over Xmas dinner and this behaviour was clearly noticed. My parents asked me but I just made excuses for her. When invited to their house for lunch on two occasions it was like my wife was a stranger, barely answering questions with yes/no and hardly eating anything. This made my parents really uncomfortable in their own home and my dad confronted the issue the next day. My wife told them she was disappointed that they hadn't called more out of concern for her mum, my dad explained why and said that she could have also rang if she wanted to talk. My wife does have a history of being quiet when socializing and I have been asked if she's ok even by our kids. Knowing her it seems like she's being purposefully nasty, cos she definitely does not act like this with her parents. I must admit, separation and divorce has crossed my mind.Sorry for long post, just needed to get off my chest.Thanks.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2023 14:58

Your wife gave your parents the silent treatment in their own home because she felt they hadn't gone to sufficient lengths to enquire as to her mother's progress when hospitalised?

Yeah, that's nuts, unless the two sets of parents are close friends in their own right.

Agreeable · 02/02/2023 15:06

Ducking Nutter.

Get rid.

Karatema · 02/02/2023 15:50

My parents were friends with my DM-i-L so always ask after her.
I have only met my DD-i-L's DM about 6 times so don't always think to ask about her. My DD-i-L doesn't take this personally because she knows her DM is not forefront of my thoughts.

MaverickGooseGoose · 02/02/2023 15:56

Your wife needs a head wobble.

Irrelevantdata · 02/02/2023 16:00

Phone signal is often poor in hospitals ime so quite possible your parents calls just didn't come through which would explain no missed calls on your wife's phone. That aside she's being ridiculous anyway, my parents would ask after PIL if we'd mentioned they were ill but no more than that and no one would take any offence.

VioletPickles · 02/02/2023 16:01

Bit much. Couldn’t they / she just communicate through you whilst her mum was in hospital?

Justcallmebebes · 02/02/2023 16:56

Yes I agree. Your wife is totally unreasonable and sounds a bit bat shit

dontputitthere · 02/02/2023 16:58

Weird

But also weird is how every post from a man has a section where they say 'anyway I digress'

Original poster
OnTheMend72 · 02/02/2023 22:26

I know. She's already been seeing a counsellor for years and has made progress and has got better, but there's always one thing that just doesn't seem right. The thing with this is that it has really upset my parents and she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. Everyone has to put on a face at times just to maintain civility, but not blatant ignoring.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheMend72 · 02/02/2023 22:28

dontputitthere · 02/02/2023 16:58

Weird

But also weird is how every post from a man has a section where they say 'anyway I digress'

Funny! Didn't even realise!!

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 02/02/2023 22:29

Your wife is very rude. End of. She owes your parents an apology!

not sure how that situation makes you want to divorce though

PinkSyCo · 02/02/2023 22:32

I wouldn’t put up with a partner being deliberately rude to my parents. Tell her to jog on.

Dery · 02/02/2023 22:36

Your wife sounds difficult. How often did your wife’s parents ring you to enquire about your father when he was beating treated for cancer? I’m guessing no more often than your parents called her. That might be a useful comparator.

Original poster
OnTheMend72 · 02/02/2023 22:37

VioletPickles · 02/02/2023 16:01

Bit much. Couldn’t they / she just communicate through you whilst her mum was in hospital?

That's what ended up happening. I told her to worry about her mum getting better rather than who's ringing. She's on the phone most of the time so a quick whatsapp to friends and family with the same message wouldn't have been any trouble. I don't know. What can I say.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheMend72 · 02/02/2023 22:41

Dery · 02/02/2023 22:36

Your wife sounds difficult. How often did your wife’s parents ring you to enquire about your father when he was beating treated for cancer? I’m guessing no more often than your parents called her. That might be a useful comparator.

True. But even it was more, who cares? It's not a contest! However my wife actually wrote down all the calls and messages (with dates) to pull out when confronting my parents. When I found out she had it I lost it!

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheMend72 · 02/02/2023 22:45

Quitelikeit · 02/02/2023 22:29

Your wife is very rude. End of. She owes your parents an apology!

not sure how that situation makes you want to divorce though

I'll just say I've been a very patient man!

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 02/02/2023 23:00

So when your wife was at her mothers side in hospital for those nine days (her mum must have been pretty ill) and your DPs couldn’t get through to her on the phone, did you let your wife know at the time that they had been trying repeatedly to call her, but couldn’t get through? If they had been calling a lot, you would usually get to a stage where you would leave the ward for something to eat or to have a coffee and call or text then. Did your DPs text or WhatsApp your wife?

Original poster
OnTheMend72 · 03/02/2023 12:30

LadyLapsang · 02/02/2023 23:00

So when your wife was at her mothers side in hospital for those nine days (her mum must have been pretty ill) and your DPs couldn’t get through to her on the phone, did you let your wife know at the time that they had been trying repeatedly to call her, but couldn’t get through? If they had been calling a lot, you would usually get to a stage where you would leave the ward for something to eat or to have a coffee and call or text then. Did your DPs text or WhatsApp your wife?

They called a couple of times to which my wife returned a call, and they texted once or twice to which she replied the following day I think. When I say it out loud it just all sound ridiculous!!
I can put it down to someone being extremely stressed with heightened levels of sensitivity through lack of sleep. But subsequent rudeness is uncalled for I thinks which is what I and my parents are struggling with.

OP posts:
Thelifeofawife · 03/02/2023 13:43

Your wife is being downright rude. How would
she react if the roles were reversed and you were treating her parents this way?
Your parents made contact a few times to show their care and concern, they shouldn’t need to be constantly contacting her to prove how much they care (and I suspect they didn’t want to mither her knowing she had so much going on).
I’d be furious if my husband treated my parents this way, and in their own home no less!
To also make a list to try to beat them with it is ridiculous! “I’m going to prove I care more than you, by being rude and trying to make you look bad”
She owes them an apology.

CalistoNoSolo · 03/02/2023 14:41

She sounds deranged. How have you managed to stay married to such a pita for so long? Your own children asking you if she's OK because she's so quiet makes he sound very selfish. Presumably she manages to hold down a job so she can't be that socially inept.

Original poster
OnTheMend72 · 03/02/2023 23:54

CalistoNoSolo · 03/02/2023 14:41

She sounds deranged. How have you managed to stay married to such a pita for so long? Your own children asking you if she's OK because she's so quiet makes he sound very selfish. Presumably she manages to hold down a job so she can't be that socially inept.

She's not deranged, just has some issues to deal with. Therapy is telling her to think about herself and her wellbeing which I respect. However she can't hide emotions well and comes off as moody most of the time which my kids pick up on. They don't know she's in therapy. But it's getting tiresome, and patience runs thin no matter how much I love her.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 04/02/2023 13:29

Your wife is being rude. Ask if she will discuss it with her therapist, or whether you can go with her one time and all discuss how she can improve the relationship with her inlaws so that you don't feel like leaving her.
When my husband was in hospital the hospital had a blocker that meant I couldn't receive or make calls without walking outside about 200 metres from the building. You wife might not know accurately who called.

Seaoftroubles · 04/02/2023 21:58

Your wife is being ridiculous, and very rude. It's almost like she is looking for a reason to alienate herself from your parents. Does she usually get on with them OK?

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