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Original poster

I'm feeling like a secret....

12 replies

Blushingm · 02/02/2023 10:55

I've been seeing someone for 9 months. He is recently divorced and has 2 DC who are 10 & 13. They found their parents splitting up difficult. They were both very unsettled - now he's bought a house (he was renting a flat) they seem to be getting better.

They don't know about me - which is fine. But he hasn't told his ex wife yet. We go out together and so are seen together a lot, his friends know too but he hasn't told her. She's been difficult through the divorce, she got caught out by the judge not declaring money and not being 100% truthful. He says he will tell her eventually but I think he thinks she will make things difficult for him with kids and getting his last bits from their old house.

I'm not sure if I'm being kept a secret as he doesn't want conflict with her or because he thinks she's better than me (not that he's ever said that!)

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 02/02/2023 10:57

Like you say, he's probably worried about backlash from her.

MrLbz · 02/02/2023 10:58

You need to meet his friends and eventually the kids, why the concern over the ex wife?

Do you feel if she knows they are less likely to get back together?

Sometimes in divorce you need to play it strategically, sounds like he is doing a good job of that.

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/02/2023 11:12

Until the point where he’s ready to introduce you to his DC, he doesn’t really need to tell his ex that he’s in a new relationship. You clearly aren’t a secret - his friends know and you go out together, you’re present in the “now” part of his life just not in his “past” life, which honestly isn’t really worth worrying about.

nc1013 · 02/02/2023 11:18

Unless they have remained "friends" I'd find it a bit weird that he'd have a conversation with her about it.

When I split from my now exH my personal life was none of his business.

When I met someone else I didn't keep him a secret (other than from my DD initially) but nor did I go running to tell my ex.

When I felt it was the right time for my DP and Dd to meet, I dropped exH a courtesy email. "I've been seeing someone for over a year now, it's going really well and I intend for him to meet Dd. If you have any questions feel free to ask"

He didn't ask any questions but if he had, I would only have entertained anything reasonable that would make sense for him to know in relation to the impact on Dd

Bellalalala · 02/02/2023 11:23

The only time I could think she would ever need to be explicitly told is if he is telling the kids. And that’s only so the kids aren’t out in the position of communicating it.

Given he is ‘recently’ divorced and the kids struggled, that will be a long way off I would have thought.

If there’s any fall out from her, that’s for him to deal with.

Original poster
Blushingm · 02/02/2023 11:40

I'm not planning on meeting his DC for a good while yet

Thanks for putting my mind at rest a bit, I have a tendency to over think things plus quite low self esteem

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 02/02/2023 17:00

And you're right, he has always said he would tell her before he told the kids just in case

He says I'm
A fixture in his house now and I have a toothbrush etc at his

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 02/02/2023 22:39

I have been seeing my bf for abt the same amount of time as you. He told his ex wife very early on but only because we met through mutual friends; there would have been no reason to otherwise. I feel your relationship isn't anything to do with his ex wife.

Bonheurdupasse · 02/02/2023 22:54

9 months and not telling his kids is too long I think.
unless it was going to happen very soon - how long is he planning to wait? 2 years??
If I was a kid and my dad didn’t tell me about his girlfriend for 2 years I’d feel pretty shit

sausage767 · 02/02/2023 22:57

He’s just being cautious. Our two best friends got together after his separation. They’re still not public yet as his divorce and financial settlement aren’t finalised and we know his ex will go nuclear if she finds out he’s happily repartnered. And that he’s upgraded. 😂

Bonheurdupasse · 02/02/2023 23:03

Yes definitely if the legal stuff is not finalised I completely get that.

Quitelikeit · 02/02/2023 23:04

Who initiated the divorce?

honestly you are wise to avoid meeting his kids for as long as possible- go and check out the step parenting board on here if you don’t believe me

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