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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Red flag or am I over reacting?

49 replies

Mumtothethreeamigos · 01/02/2023 22:59

Messaging someone on Bumble and he seems really interesting and then lots of questions like would you rather have amazing sex once or mediocre sex everyday. You find a video of your parents fucking or they find one of you. Then he tells me a ‘funny story’ about how his son was in his room aged 5 and said look dad I’m a unicorn and he had his butt plug on his head. He included a link to said butt plug. So I have a history of attracting abusive and narcissist men. Is this a bad sign? I told him I thought it was unsubtle and cliched and if he likes using see toys just say it rather than make up some story about his son. He said I’d got it all wrong and he thought I would find it funny. I think he’s a dick but then I think am I too judgemental? Is this why I’m single ? Opinions please 🙏🏻

OP posts:

catandcoffee · 02/02/2023 00:05

Your instincts are working well OP 😉

allthemissingfucks · 02/02/2023 01:39

It's tough because we all want love and the validation of that love.
The fact you recognise that your boundaries aren't strong and you might need help identifying the arseholes is amazing.
You knew something wasn't right and you posted on here for support and advice.
I don't need to repeat what all the replies had said, but just wanted to say you are doing great!

Opentooffers · 02/02/2023 02:35

So if someone just came out with "I love using butt plugs". When in early stages of chatting, before having met, trust that this is inappropriate oversharing given the situation, along with being into sex videos. He's letting you know where he stands at an early stage so expect romance to be dead in his eyes - fine if you just want sex but he's not BF material.

Poppyblush · 02/02/2023 05:56

Of course it’s a red flag

Motnight · 02/02/2023 06:01

Op do you think that you are ready for dating when you needed Mumsnet to tell you whether this guy's behaviour was OK or not?

Iwanttoslowdown · 02/02/2023 06:03

🚩

Zanatdy · 02/02/2023 06:04

Nothing wrong with sex toys but I wouldn’t be expecting to be discussing them before the first date. He’s just using it as an excuse to talk sex and to talk dirty. I’d see it as a red flag too and would be in the no pile. I’ve recently started seeing someone and we are 2.5 months in and only know talking sexual preferences. He was very respectful in conversations whilst we were getting to know each other - now he can be a bit more rude as we are obviously having regular sex now. But if he had started talking butt plugs before our first date yes that would have put me right off. Trust your instincts

ChaToilLeam · 02/02/2023 06:07

He sounds like a cringey sex pest. 🚩You’re well rid of that one!

NOVA2023 · 02/02/2023 06:08

always go with you intuition if you stay single for the next 4 years maybe you're supposed to plus I hear that you always find what you're looking for when you're not looking for it

theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 02/02/2023 06:22

Well spotted and swerved, he sounds grim and totally inappropriate, ugh

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 02/02/2023 06:42

I didn't know that Boris was on Bumble. 😬

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 02/02/2023 06:46

Would block him as he is testing how far he can push it with you and to see if you are into the same things as him but that story about his child just creepy and I would not be talking to him again, not really conversations I would want to be having with someone I did not know online. It is really difficult to meet people who are just bleeding normal these days so for me am staying single as seem to trust people too much and they show their real colours then. Can't be arsed with the drama.

Bookworm20 · 02/02/2023 12:21

allthemissingfucks · 02/02/2023 01:39

This 100%

Watchkeys · 02/02/2023 12:46

Forget your gauge of what's normal and what's healthy. Lots of normal things will be a no-no for you. Some unhealthy things might be ok for you.
Be guided by your feelings, and ditch anybody who makes you think 'Was their behaviour not normal/not healthy, there?'

You'll never have another relationship that's bad for you, if you do that, because you'll only get close to people whose behaviour/words are not questionable to you.

DietCroak · 02/02/2023 12:49

More red flags than the Clock End.

HelpMePlease74 · 02/02/2023 12:53

I see you already came to the right conclusion - hope he bows out gracefully, it's tiring having to block people from dating sites!

IsThePopeCatholic · 02/02/2023 13:09

He’s gross.

longwayoff · 02/02/2023 13:11

Is this a bad sign? What do you think OP? Do you find this tosser attractive in any way? If you do then you have some questions to ask yourself.

Planesmistakenforstars · 02/02/2023 13:22

I think he’s a dick
You're right.

but then I think am I too judgemental?
You're not, but who cares? It's your choice whether to someone or not, for any reason under the sun.

Planesmistakenforstars · 02/02/2023 13:23

*date someone or not

Pinkbonbon · 02/02/2023 13:30

Any sex talk on online dating is a red flag op (unless you're only looking for a hookup). You've not even met this guy!

Not surprised you're attracting narcissists if you have to question if that conversation was a red flag ffs.

Think you'd be wise to take time off dating and do some reading ect... learn how to spot abusers And maybe do some woek on your own boundaries. Learn to trust your instincts the first second they say 'run'.

BlueBooh · 02/02/2023 13:32

Fuck sake! Most women would have blocked after the first question!!

BlueBooh · 02/02/2023 13:33

Sorry should have been more supportive

allthemissingfucks It's tough because we all want love and the validation of that love. The fact you recognise that your boundaries aren't strong and you might need help identifying the arseholes is amazing. You knew something wasn't right and you posted on here for support and advice. I don't need to repeat what all the replies had said, but just wanted to say you are doing great!*

Allthemissingfucks says it all.

WilmaJean · 02/02/2023 13:55

🚩

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