Can you make it work for the kids?

[Walkover]

Looking for some advice as I can’t get my head straight on this.

back in November I found out my husband had been lying to me since about June time. What he lied about was something significant in our family life, ie it impacts more than just me, and more than him. He hasn’t cheated however or anything like that.

when I found out I confronted him, made it clear the impact his lie had on myself and kids, our future life together, he agreed to set up relationship therapy, and to remedy the lie. I made it crystal clear at this point if he lied again our marriage was over.

fast forward to now, and i discovered last night that he was still lying to me. In fact, he had gone as far as changing phone numbers in his phone the first time to continue the original lie whilst telling me he hadn’t.

im absolutely heartbroken that he has been so reckless with our family life and our relationship, he can’t tell me why he told these lies other than ‘he didn’t think.’ He admits I made it clear last time what the consequences of more lies were, but he still can’t say why he did it.

this lie isn’t something necessarily bad, but it does heavily impact our family life and has caused me significant stress, grief and tears over the last few years, which he knows.

im now torn with what to do next. I made it clear last time what the consequences would be and part of me thinks I need to see this through and end our marriage. I can’t see me ever getting back to trusting him.

yet he is a good father, excellent even. Our kids adore him. Breaking up the family isn’t something I want to do at all, and doing so would mean me moving c. 150 miles back to where I’m originally from so would be a significant change.

im the higher earner and have a busy stressful job that he does help support with childcare- I can be away 1 night a week regularly.

i just need some perspective. What he has done like I said isn’t necessarily something bad, but he has lied, repeatedly, on purpose, about something he knew mattered to us as a family. I can’t get over that he cared more about himself than our family life.

To be honest, without knowing more context or what he lied about it's very hard to give any advice or opinions. But either way, you sound really hurt and betrayed, I'm sorry he's done this to you.

You felt so strongly about the first discovery that you issued him with an ultimatum. This is very important to you, a boundary he has crossed. You don’t trust him.

I totally understand that you don’t want to “break up the family” (it’s not your actions that would cause this, but his) but if you’re unhappy, end the marriage. Don’t try to bring kids up in an unhappy home. That way lies misery for everyone.

See a solicitor and work out a plan.

I think you need to share context so people can give sound advice.

It could be that you had for example forbidden him to speak to his mother again, for a silly reason and he was desperate to communicate with her and changed her name in his phone, this would lead to different advice to whether he has been texting escorts and changed her name in his phone.

A lie is a hard boundary for me, especially since my ex left following an affair. There are instances though (in abusive relationships) where i can understand the need and I can justify the lie.

...and you told him clearly that if he crossed that line again there would be consequences. he has crossed the line, there arent going to be any consequences. you havent been truthful with him either. thats the point of issuing an ultimatum. you either stick to it, or its a lie. only you can answer this going forward. we dont know what the lie is, why its so important etc so cant really judge. and shouldnt anyway because if its so massively important that you issued an ultimatum then you must have thought it through first and thought about the consequences if he carried on lying. you either act or you dont. but if you dont this is going to keep on happening because there were no consequences last time so why not keep on lying?

Gambling,dating/chat sites,etc hard to say unless you say what it is? But tbh I was married to a man who lied n lied about gambling even to the point got us all into incredible debt without me even knowing. All the false promises when found out won't do again but no it then got even worse credit cards in my name I never knew about, stealing money from family etc. That got found out when bailiffs appeared at the door and a bewildered me opened it. I left next day and never returned, finished marriage lasted a year. The lies, deceit unbelievable and brings you down aswell..luckily for me I was able to prove the majority of debts,cards etc were not applied for or made by myself and that ex was eventually done for several counts of fraud against me and companies. And just to add then at divorce he admitted he had also cheated 4 times in the year of marriage. So ye glad I got out.

Iv not said what the lie is as it’s very outing. It isn’t gambling, or anything to do with other women/anything like that.

he has basically lied about something we as a family need to happen, he told me he had arranged x and y, and that what we needed to happen had been put in place. I still stand by the ultimatum, I know in my heart of hearts our marriage is over as I can never see me trusting him again- BUT then I come back to our family and the impact it would have. Money isn’t the issue as I am a higher earner, but to facilitate my work he currently plays a significant role in childcare.

i think what I’m struggling with is the fact that whilst the lie is very hurtful to me, and our family, it’s not something ‘bad’ ie he’s dug himself a hole and betrayed my trust.

i have asked him to move out whilst I sort my head out and have made childcare enquiries at a local nursery, and speaking to a divorce lawyer today to assess options.

So sorry, this must be incredibly hard for you, but you are doing the right thing. He has broken your trust and continued to do so - it is hard to get over that even if they do change and are willing to work on it. I wish I'd kicked my ex out when he broke my trust the second time, might have given him the wake up call he needed. By the third i was done, will never trust him again, and he has regrets about all that now.