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Original poster

Dating advice

29 replies

BitmoreAnd · 01/02/2023 19:33

Is hinting at DTD a red flag in a new OLD longish chat? He states in bio he's looking for a real relationship and I've tried to keep it casual looking to 'meet new people', though I'm ultimately wanting a life partner.

OP posts:
WunWun · 01/02/2023 19:37

What kind of hinting?

I think sometimes it's easy to get carried away if you really get into a conversation. Depending on how far he's taken it maybe say a kind of "haha, let's not forget we've not even met yet 😁" and see how he reacts

Original poster
BitmoreAnd · 01/02/2023 20:13

I did kind of did do that. When I asked if he'd had settled into his new house yet (which he'd mentioned in his bio) that he'd just bought/moved into, he said he had and hadn't because the bedroom had not been christened yet (wink)...

Look, I want sex too but don't want some deviant and don't want to dtd first or second date...

OP posts:
WunWun · 01/02/2023 20:18

Yeah, that would be a big red flag for me. It's very out of the blue in the conversation. I like sex, but that kind of joke so early on and completely out of nowhere isn't funny. It's just boring and not at all indicative of someone looking for a relationship. It's more like testing the water to see how you'll respond

SpinningFloppa · 01/02/2023 20:18

Would put me off

Mumofnarnia · 01/02/2023 20:25

Yep red flag. you haven’t even met yet and he’s already making comments like that!
Many men will state they’re looking for a serious relationship on dating sites just so they can manipulate their way into your bed. They know most women won’t give them the time of day if they stated they were looking for something casual/ non serious. And half of them don’t even bother to look at the profile of the person they’re chatting to either.

Original poster
BitmoreAnd · 01/02/2023 21:12

So how do I go about weeding them ou properly then? Have also had none of that before and they turned out to be a total creep.

He's asked for a date and I have said yes. Walk, coffee and cake in visible public place. He seems obliging that I'm not available until week after next.

OP posts:
xfan · 02/02/2023 02:28

BitmoreAnd · 01/02/2023 21:12

So how do I go about weeding them ou properly then? Have also had none of that before and they turned out to be a total creep.

He's asked for a date and I have said yes. Walk, coffee and cake in visible public place. He seems obliging that I'm not available until week after next.

There is no "guaranteed" way, just like there isn't in real life meets. You do your best due diligence, and pay attention to what they do/how they behave. Of course he is "obliging" to your request to meet up next week, most men don't get replies back in OLD, few get any dates, and even fewer a real date, so he's half way there already!

Mumofnarnia · 02/02/2023 04:53

BitmoreAnd · 01/02/2023 21:12

So how do I go about weeding them ou properly then? Have also had none of that before and they turned out to be a total creep.

He's asked for a date and I have said yes. Walk, coffee and cake in visible public place. He seems obliging that I'm not available until week after next.

To be honest there is no easy answer and OLD is very grim and most men in there either have issues or are just looking for sex. There are many threads on here where people are complaining about how they’ve been treated on OLD. But if someone is hinting at sex or making innuendos before you’ve even met, or are trying to get you into bed on the first date, it’s a pretty good indication that they are just looking to get laid.

Zanatdy · 02/02/2023 06:20

I don’t know. One comment I’d be fine with. But if he’s constantly talking about it that’s different. I’d probably meet him, see how it goes and if he mentions anything then.

WunWun · 02/02/2023 06:58

I generally stop replying if they start making that comment after a few messages. I just don't find it attractive. I'm so mistrustful of anyone on dating apps now though! I can barely bring myself to talk to people any more for thinking "This is probably going nowhere/you're just interested in sex or something casual"

WunWun · 02/02/2023 07:01

*that kind of comment

hungerganes · 02/02/2023 07:12

What you've put down in your own bio sounds like you want casual sex with lots of new people. You're misleading and he is misleading. He doesn't want a real relationship in all seriousness and you don't want to just meet new people.
The right guy for you won't be scared by you being blunt about what you actually want for yourself. And if this is Tinder then forget it, it is still 99% for casual, FWB, NSA types.

hungerganes · 02/02/2023 07:15

Yes don't reply when they turn the conversation sexual, straight up block them and report if they sent a dick pic unsolicited or said something that deserves reporting vs just blocking.

And say what you actually mean and want in your bio. If you're looking for a life partner say so. Yes, the fuckboys will still message but the decent ones who don't want this won't message you and the decent ones that do want this too will get in touch. Fuckboys message everyone anyway regardless of looks, age, what you ask for in your bio or profile, they dont care they use a scattergun approach and try it on with EVERYONE because a shag that they didn't have to pay for is a win, every hole is a goal mentality.

supercali77 · 02/02/2023 07:19

I dunno whether I'd call it a red flag. If you're a woman out to christen some bedrooms with little care for a relationship, it would probably a different story. What matters is....Did it give you the ick or did you think 'great!' ? Follow that instinct when weeding them out.

supercali77 · 02/02/2023 07:20

@hungerganes Where did OP say what she had in her bio?? I'm not seeing that in any of the comments

WunWun · 02/02/2023 07:33

Oh, I missed that. "Looking to meet new people" absolutely sounds like you want casual sex with different people! That would be an immediate left swipe if I saw it on a guy's profile!

GreyCarpet · 02/02/2023 07:55

It might have been a clumsy way of telling you both that he fancies you and that he isn't seeing anyone else.

Having spoken to male friends who are online dating, they would love to know that the woman they are talking to wants to shag them. They see it as a positive sign she is interested in them.

They don't quite get that women view it differently.

But I also think that 'looking to meet new people' is a euphemism for not wanting anything serious and looking for casual sex. If you actually want a long term relationship, why not say that?

Because, tbh, that's what the male friends I've spoken to are also looking for.

EBearhug · 02/02/2023 09:04

But I also think that 'looking to meet new people' is a euphemism for not wanting anything serious and looking for casual sex.

Is it? I'r seems unnecessary, certainly - if you're not looking to meet new people, why are you on a dating site in the first place? But it doesn't imply casual sex to me. Maybe I've missed something though.

I like to know they're up for sex and want to get it out of the way early on - I don't see the point of investing emotionally in someone who turns out to be rubbish in bed, or can't get it up easily. But I'm in my 50s. I probably wouldn't have worried about their physical capabilities in my 30s. And I don't want to fall for someone who's not going to satisfy me in bed. I already have lots of friends I don't sleep with.

But it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you don't like how someone is, that's what counts. You don't have to ignore it. Have your own boundaries and go with that. There will probably still be some men who end up being disappointing, but that's how dating is. You get to know them a bit online, you agree to meet the ones that don't piss you off when messaging. Sometimes the date goes well; other times it's okay, but no chemistry; and some you realise very quickly they're better on paper than in person. The whole point of dating is to see if anyone is worth a next date, whether you want casual or serious, and far more won't be than will be.

And even the crap dates tend to make a funny story to tell my mates.

WunWun · 02/02/2023 09:22

It absolutely means casual sex, meeting new people (plural).

If someone wants a relationship, they say that on their profile. Obviously lots also lie that they want a relationship when they don't too 😁 Anything else means that's not what they're looking for. And the plural implies playing the field. I do think that a lot of women are quite naive about this and could save themselves a lot of heartache my reading between the lines on men's profiles.

OP, it would be better to say something like "looking for love/a relationship but won't rush into it with the wrong person"

hungerganes · 02/02/2023 13:38

@supercali77 It's in the op:
He states in bio he's looking for a real relationship and I've tried to keep it casual looking to 'meet new people', though I'm ultimately wanting a life partner.

hungerganes · 02/02/2023 13:45

You should go on places like Reddit and see the r/Tinder and other subs where they screenshot women's profiles and chat exchange and really rip into it.
The things they say about the simplest things from emoji choice to punctuation and how it's viewed and interpreted by men is mind blowing. So many men get tips and exchange screenshots from dating website with each other, they do it to improve their 'game' or laugh at people... if you thought 'looking to meet new people' as anything but looking for casual sex with as many people as I can see with no obligation (aka NSA with lots of people) then you will find that sub eye opening and potentially upsetting, too. It's brutal out there on OLD.

Redruby2020 · 02/02/2023 13:47

I've found that in a lot of online dating chats it's sex sex sex sex 🙄

SuperHandss · 02/02/2023 13:58

I used to unmatch with anything DTD related. It’s possible to be fun and flirty without being seedy.

Don’t settle.

Original poster
BitmoreAnd · 02/02/2023 16:38

Update
He's asked for a phone chat this evening, I said yes and gave a time.
How do I paddle out of this?

OP posts:
Johnisafckface · 02/02/2023 18:56

Definitely a red flag to me. My ex used to make low level sexual remarks before we even met up. At first I thought they were cute or I dismissed them but turned out he was a nasty sex pest.

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