Apologies if this is a long one, I want to add as much context as possible.
Me and my partner have been together for 6 years now. We're both 27. When we first got together I was dealing with childhood trauma and didn't treat the relationship seriously at all. I was going on dinner dates with men for money and one tried to sexually assault me. I'd also sext men role play, he found all of this out, thought the role play was real and also is still convinced to this day I was sleeping with men, I was young and stupid, should have told him but didn't. He was obviously mad.
We're both convinced we're soulmates but we've just hurt eachother so ouch in our younger immature days and both struggle to get over it.
Anyway we break up for a year around 3 years ago, he slept with his ex and I met a guy and slept with him. He lied but I found out eventually and then I lied and he found out recently after I messaged the guy asking if he went to an event (shouldn't have messaged him) but my partner was taking steroids, moods up and down constantly, never there emotionally and was just awful to he around, AND AT THIS POINT IM A NEW MUM! To my now 18 month old daughter.
May last year I had a message from a girl on Facebook, him in bed with a 20 year old girl he met whilst working as security at a nightclub. They were speaking all the time, he sent birthday gifts to her house, lied about being at work to go spend a night in a hotel with her etc. Completely it broke me, up until that point we'd both just been immature, a few lies and what not and we were growing up and committed to getting better and working on us as adults with our future ahead of us. Since he cheated I literally can't cope, I can't kiss him, struggle to look at him, hardly talk during the day anymore when he's at work, it's all so weird as we were best friends we were pretty much joint at the hip.
Anyway 10 months later and I'm still struggling, he's still taking steroids as he's a body builder ( completely fine with it as it doesn't cause any aggression in him like people usually say it does ) but I'm trying to heal and he just doesn't get it. I truly believe we could work out if he just supported me more emotionally, he's always wanting to have sex at the moment, which usually id be up for as we used to do that everyday. But right now when he tries to come onto me snd I say no his response is oh are
You not attracted to me, you don't love me, you were attracted to him (guy I slept with when we broke up) and it's just pushing me further snd further away because I tell him the reason everyday, I break it down to him go the point where I feel absolutely boring that I have to explain why I'm struggling everyday, why I can't have sex with him, why I'm struggling to show affection.
All I'm trying to say is what do you all suggest? I tel him everyday we need to work on us and our connection first and everything else will follow. But he will say yes and agree and then the next day it's back to, why aren't you hugging me, why aren't you talking to me, why don't you say I'm attractive anymore. I get hes upset with me because I slept with someone when we broke up but he's literally cheated on me? How do we heal when I can't get through to him? It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm denying him add and affection and after what he did before it makes me mega paranoid (he does leave his phone around etc now but still makes me feel so rubbish like I'm boring and just not fun anymore when I physically can't be because it's absolutely torn me apart and ruined my confidence)
Had anyone been through similar and come out the other side of it?
I don't need the "dump him you're both toxic" speech please as relationships are hard and I do think we can work I just don't know how yet. It exhausts me everyday and I do think about leaving but I'm committed to making us work. I hate him for what he's done but I love him for who he is behind all of that and he could have left just as much as I could, but neither of us want too.
Any advice would be appreciated, any personal stories also appreciated, we've both done wrong and it's getting that exhausting I feel like ending the relationship to be honest and I think if it doesn't change in the following weeks I'll end up doing that. Just wanted to reach out for help as a last resort.
As you can imagine it gets quite lonely carrying this around all of the time, I could just really do with a chat right now. Thanks for reading if you got this far
I also posted on her about a year ago saying I've noticed a difference in my partner and that he's constantly snappy at me etc, people did say there was another woman involved, I was naive and said no there definitely isn't, so if any of you are reading that remember that post... you're right.