I need to leave him don’t I? But how would you do it?

[OrangeClubTub]

Quick context, 4yr relationship, don’t live together, I have 3 DC with additional needs that are not his DC. None together. DP stays most weekends & holidays from work.

The issue: he always always berates my parenting. I need to take different approaches with my DC because normal parenting is ineffective and often exacerbates a situation. He thinks I’m being unreasonable and wants me to dish out harsh punishments like taking everything nice they own from their rooms.
Him and my oldest DC argue a lot because he sticks up for himself.
I can never relax when he’s around in case I’m not parenting as he sees fit and it causes an argument and him to get frustrated at me.

He is also messaging a “friend”, female of course, a bit too often for my liking, think every day multiple times a day even late night.

I have done a pros and cons. The pros are as follows:

affectionate, makes me his first priority over work and social stuff, buys me random stuff sometimes & can be helpful.

Cons are:

Gets very frustrated with technology.
Gets very frustrated when things don’t go his way.
Swears and gets angry in these above 2 situations which puts me on edge.
Has unrealistic expectations of DC.
Doesn’t plan dates.
I pay for any get aways/holidays.
Don't go out for dinner.
Our relationship is invisible everywhere.
The parenting stuff.
Always thinks he’s right and can never see other peoples point of view.
Doesn't cook.
I avoid going to him with problems as he makes me feel on edge about it.

I know this is no good for me & DC and I need to end it. I think I do play my part because at the moment I’m barely keeping my head above water with my 10yr old DC, he’s very very hard work and sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in it so do what I need to survive.

Im doing the right thing here aren’t I? I feel like I can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment.

I’m quite scared about this and I don’t know why, but what would you say is the best way to break up? Face to face? Text? Phone?

He is also messaging a “friend”, female of course, a bit too often for my liking, think every day multiple times a day even late night.

Leave your children out of it for the moment. Read that sentence again.

As to how I would do it - I would do it face to face.

A partner is supposed to make your life easier, and they're supposed to support you.

if you don't have any of his things at yours, I'd simply call him and tell him you're done. You're too far apart on issues and he isn't supportive. He will argue and bitch but I'd just re-iterate that you don't love him anymore. That draws a line under it.

He sounds like an absolute tool. Text and block. There's no need for you to justify yourself or enter into pointless circular discussions.

You don’t have to justify it; you don’t want to be with him any more and you know it inside.
is he going to swear and get angry if you split up with him face to face? Generally face to face is better but not at your home; somewhere Wichita your kids there and where you can leave if he gets aggressive or won’t accept what you say or wants to go on and on talking about it.
My best bit of advice is that if afterwards you have regrets then just wait a bit rather than contacting him when low, emotional or tired. That is when bad decisions are made and we take people back who we shouldn’t and have to go through all this again weeks down the line. It will feel strange after but let it

It's horrible that you keep inflicting this arsehole upon your poor kids. Tell him to fuck off and then block him.

Easy to end you don’t live with him and no kids together very easy to end this!

I wonder if you ended this relationship and just concentrated on your dcs for a while things with your 10yo would improve?
Kids pick up on tension in the home, this man sounds to me like a bit of a cuckoo in the nest and causing arguments and tension with your eldest - he shouldn’t be getting involved in parenting your dcs - he doesn’t even live with you or contribute anything financially!

Add in the texting a female “friend” and it would be curtains for me.

Thanks for the replies. I don’t understand why I’m finding it so hard to just end it, I’m trying to dig into why I freeze every time I go to do it, I think it’s some kind of trauma response.

I'd ask where he is taking you on holiday this year, it must be his turn to pay? Then finish it. Sounds like a CF free loader to me.

Send him that list of pros and cons. Then block him.

Are you scared of him?

Personally, I'd text. If he has any keys to your house, I'd change the locks rather than getting into "please can you return your keys" etc etc.

I'd bag up his stuff and either drop it round to him or give him a time to collect it from the doorstep.

If you are scared of him, listen to that instinct.

I think I’m scared of him to the extent that when he gets frustrated at me he raises his voice and talks to me as if I’m a child, I end up feeling very small and it sets my nerves on edge so much. Not scared as in I think he will attack me if that makes sense?

If any of his stuff is in your house bag it up and drop it off at his place/send it to him/leave it with one of his relatives.

Text him "it's not going to work out, goodbye "

Block and move on.

if he makes you feel like that, it must be just as awful for your kids - you're definitely doing the right thing breaking up with him. 💐

Text the bugger and be done.

Maybe you could meet him in a public place where you can just walk away if things kick off. He’s no good to you and you know it. For the sake of your ten year old, put your young one first. Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Be strong, stay strong and look forward to a summer free of the emotional load.

Tell him that your life situations don't seem to mesh well. He needs someone that can focus on him and at the moment you need to focus on your children.
That you are both good people for whom the time and circumstances just aren't right.

Tell him in a public place where he is not likely to create a scene. Meet him there . Do not go in the same car. You need to be able to leave alone. You do not want to have to travel home with an angry man. When done, go home and block his number.

Just tell him to do one. You will feel instantly better. He's a waste of space.

He sounds very controlling, especially with your child. Please google living with dominator and read up on freedom programme.

You may find some of the challenges your experiencing with your DC are better when he is no longer in your life.

A good supportive partner does not treat you and your children like this, do not doubt yourself, out your children and you before anyone.

When he promises to change don’t second guess yourself, he has shown himself to you so believe him.

Dont be afraid to speak to women’s aid, he may not have been physically abusive but the examples you have given are text book emotional/psychological abusive and controlling.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-Pat-Craven/dp/1477410597

Good luck, go and be happy with your children.

“Tell him that your life situations don't seem to mesh well. He needs someone that can focus on him and at the moment you need to focus on your children.
That you are both good people for whom the time and circumstances just aren't right.

Tell him in a public place where he is not likely to create a scene. Meet him there . Do not go in the same car. You need to be able to leave alone. You do not want to have to travel home with an angry man.”

This is very sound advice from @Mari9999

From what I can see he's knocked your confidence so hard that you've deemed yourself too weak to manage without him. Read your list again. Just even counting the amounts alone, the balance is weighted so much in the cons area that it doesn't seem as if your getting anything out of this relationship. It seems to be adding stress to your family life. If you're scared to end it face to face thats enough to be sure that you're not relaxed or feeling safe with this man. Phone him if need be to end it. If still in doubt speak to someone you trust in rl and ask for their opinion and support. Esp if its someone who has met him. You might be surprised at their response if they haven't already given their opinion. (friends often hold back for fear of offending and then are relieved they can give their true opinions). Hope that all makes sense.

Have you ever asked him about the friend he’s texting? Does he shut down any questions about her? It sounds like you’ve felt unhappy with your relationship for a while and his behaviour towards your children and you is causing you stress. I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet up and tell him it’s over.