Advice please

[NOVA2023]

Why do i always end up accepting actuons from my partner that i wouldn't

Ever dream of doing to them.

I accept being lied to

I accept sitting in silence while he talks with other woman.

How do i get over my want / need to beloved that i accept almost anything.

Go to counselling to find out why you put up with bad relationships and to vet some self esteem.

You shouldn't get over your need and want to be loved, that's natural. You must get over expecting it from him. Ditch this arsehole and move on.

You need to work on your self confidence and self esteem.

Why are you settling for this?

I mean this kindly, you need some counselling to understand why you're allowing this in your life.

Emotional neglect from a parent in your childhood?

Please please leave this utter prick. You deserve better. How will you look back on your life in ten / twenty years if you stay with him?? With regret? If so then do something about it x

Yes severly from both parents

Sorry to hear that OP.

This isn't your fault. The way our parents treat us growing up has a real impact on our self esteem. If they don't make you feel valued, then your mind becomes programmed to believe you don't deserve to be valued by others in adulthood. But you are worth it.

You need to speak to someone to overcome this.

How long have you been together,

Do you live together,

It is easier to switch off and distance yourself if you live separately. Tell yourself you deserve better.

Please find a counsellor. It took me a long time to realise how and why I found myself in the same position, but basically it is patterns from childhood. You can learn to break the cycle, but it really helps if you have professional support.

I feel like the shark cage analogy is useful here. You're putting up with things that you shouldn't, knowing they're wrong but sort of unable to defend boundaries because maybe you haven't had a background that helped you build them, or perhaps abusive relationships have torn them down. www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

What gets in the way of building a shark cage?
People with shark cages that need work will weigh any potential new relationship against the terrifying prospect of being alone. Some of the things that contribute to having a shark cage that’s a fixer-upper are:

• Believing that you are fundamentally not good enough in some very important way. (Not pretty enough, or smart enough, or sophisticated enough, etc. )
• Being raised with unhealthy relationships, especially domestic violence, as your primary model.
• Being abused as a child, especially sexually abused.
• Having your wants and needs continually disrespected as a child
• Believing that you owe anyone who is “nice” to you a portion of your time and attention above a simple “thank you”.
• Thinking that saying “no” is rude.
• Being so starved for touch and/or love that you are willing to accept being treated as an object in exchange for touch and occasional affection.

How do I build a shark cage?
Ideally, our parents or other adults in our lives taught us what we needed to know as children. However, most of us don’t live in an ideal world. For those of us who need to build our shark cages as adults, the following tips can help.

• Working with a therapist or other professional to work through the trauma that is in your way.
• Spending time and effort examining your belief that you’re “not good enough” and changing it.
• Observing people in healthy relationships to see how they interact
• Practicing recognizing, respecting, and fulfilling your own wants and needs as best you can.
• Getting in the habit of saying “no” to small things, and work your way up.
• Saying “thank you” as full repayment for compliments and attention, especially if you didn’t ask for it.
• Dealing with touch starvation through the use of an emotional support animal, family, and/or supportive friends.
• Getting into the habit of “listening” to your body and your “spidey-sense”.

You kind of need to unlearn what your parents brought you up to believe about yourself and start to believe in your own value.

I agree. Ditch him, and get some counselling to build up your self-respect. PP on another threat said that self-respect is an action: act as if you feel it, and the feeling will then grow.