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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So disappointed in lifelong friend - silent treatment

12 replies

Greenfairydust · 01/02/2023 14:48

I am really sad that a long term friend has now decided to give me the ''silent treatment'' about a rather trivial matter. I have no intention to try to pursue the friendship at this stage/engage her further so I am just venting.

A couple of months ago I moved out of London to start a new life in a town about 2.5 hour from the capital. It was an emotional time for me because I was leaving behind (pretty much escaping) an abusive relationship.

My friend had asked me to pick up items she wanted to donate to me (she is selling her flat and wanted to dispose of some of her possessions) before I left London. Not expensive items, just some art supplies that she no longer needed.

Unfortunately I caught Covid the week before my move and could not arrange to pick-up the items, I barely had time to recover and sort out my own move.

I considered asking the removal company if we could pick up the items on the day I was moving out but that would have meant an added hour at least to their journey so it was no feasible.

It seems that she has now decided not have contact with me anymore. For the life of me I really can't see what I could have done differently. I told her I had Covid (I informed anyone I had seen for the past week as soon as I tested positive) and she knew my move was already full of stress. There was no practical options to pick up the items and I had already suggesting alternatives to her (like donating to a charity that collects items at home). She is a wealthy woman and could easily hire someone to dispose of anything she does not want to keep at the last resort.

I must say I have lost quite a few friendship since I cut ties with an abusive partner, had therapy and decided to turn my life around, which included moving somewhere new and getting a new job. I stopped being a people pleaser and became more aware of my boundaries.

But I would never have expected this person to do this because we have been friends for so long and she knew how much of a struggle the past couple of years have been for me. It has made me reassess this friendship though and wondered whether it lasted so long because I made a big effort to be ''accommodating'' and ignore some of the judgmental aspects of her personality.

I made the first move and send her a message but did not get any reply for over a month, I won't try to establish contact again. I absolutely have no time for people who just decide to give others the silent treatment as 'punishment'.

Anyway, thanks if you managed to get to the end of this! but it is so sad when a friendship ends but at the same time I think when get to a new stage of our life it is probably quite common for people to fade away to hopefully be replace by new friends.

OP posts:
OverSharon · 01/02/2023 16:57

Something very very similar happened to me after I had my children. I still think about my friend sometimes but five years later and I still feel strong and proud for not begging for answers. I'm happy to consider anything I've done wrong. But not if nobody tells me I did it any more, because that's a swift path towards mental illness, and I have to be strong for my kids. Even if you don't have children yet/ don't plan to have any, or are anywhere on the spectrum, do it for yourself. And she was my very best friend throughout high school!! Baffling.

Do you like to do art as well? I was actually thinking of moving out of London on my drive home today 😂

butterflymum · 01/02/2023 17:07

Google the "Reason, Season, Lifetime" poem.

OverSharon · 01/02/2023 17:11

I do have to say… this is a bit weird. I’ve been a bit ‘ranty’ online after being away for ages because I’ve just moved into my new home after leaving a refuge after DV. And I love to do art. So I think you’re me 🤔

January17 · 01/02/2023 17:25

She's being very unreasonable.

"I must say I have lost quite a few friendship since I cut ties with an abusive partner, had therapy and decided to turn my life around, which included moving somewhere new and getting a new job. I stopped being a people pleaser and became more aware of my boundaries."

I had exactly the same. My therapist said it's normal.

January17 · 01/02/2023 17:30

I mean once you start to look at boundaries, after an abusive romantic relationship, you stop putting up with crap from some friends too.

They notice the change and some won't like it.

Lottapianos · 01/02/2023 17:34

'but it is so sad when a friendship ends but at the same time I think when get to a new stage of our life it is probably quite common for people to fade away to hopefully be replace by new friends.'

Totally agree, having lost three long term friendships in the past few years. I think you've probably nailed it when you said you have worked very hard on yourself and you have changed - you prioritise yourself more, are less 'convenient' to be around and you probably take less shit than you used to. Not everybody responds in the way you would hope when you change like that

It's tough, and sad, and strange, but you're not alone. I find it helps to deliberately shift my focus to who is around, who is listening, who can I really rely on, rather than on who is letting me down

Navigatingarelationship · 01/02/2023 18:09

I'm wondering if she's upset about you leaving and is using you not collecting her stuff as an excuse? Not that it's any better, just a thought. Some people can't be upfront about their feelings and it's easier to just get angry about something relatively minor.

quinceh · 01/02/2023 18:13

Maybe a silly Q but do you know for sure that she’s cut contact because of the pick-up issue?
Whatever the reason though, it sounds really hurtful, and unnecessary for her to deal
with things this way.

Grandmasword · 01/02/2023 18:29

Ueah, l hear you OP. Had this from my life long friend and cousin who went completely silent on me when l was diagnosed with a disabling neurological disorder. I mourned our friendship but l let her go. I refuse to chase people who show me auch dismissal.

Greenfairydust · 01/02/2023 18:45

@Grandmasword ''I refuse to chase people who show me such dismissal.''

Exactly. I have no issues with people telling me they are unhappy with something I have done, but someone just suddenly going silent after decades of friendship over something trivial, I have no time for people who do that.

@quinceh
''Maybe a silly Q but do you know for sure that she’s cut contact because of the pick-up issue?''

That is the only reason I can think of. We had met very recently and everything was as usual before that.

@OverSharon
''I do have to say… this is a bit weird. I’ve been a bit ‘ranty’ online after being away for ages because I’ve just moved into my new home after leaving a refuge after DV. And I love to do art. So I think you’re me''

Cosmic twins! 😁

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 01/02/2023 18:48

Weird and hurtful, OP. It may turn out something bad was going on in her life. Up to you if you want to respond if she contacts you again. But you're generally better off without people who treat you like that.

Mary46 · 01/02/2023 22:38

Op yes leave it now. I decided Im done chasing people. Sick of users too!! But not nice as u say

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