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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage breakdown and husband away with work

16 replies

SK93 · 01/02/2023 14:35

Please help anyone.

Long story... I've been with my husband for 13 years and married for 3, we have 2 children together 3 years and 10 months. He is in the military and works away a LOT. Our marriage has broken down and I just feel like I'm not in love with him anymore. I've had these doubts for the past few years which probably sounds awful. We have already split twice in the last 2 years but each time agree to try again as its a lot to throw away but I think by this point we're just flogging a dead horse and holding on for the sake of the children. The thing is I'm the problem not him, he apparently still loves me and finds me attractive and has no issues. My problem is I don't find him attractive anymore, we haven't had any physical intimacy for almost a year. I don't think we even have an emotional connection. I struggle so much when he's not here and feel like I resent him fir being away and leaving me as a single parent so much. I didn't choose to have children with him to be a stay at home mum by myself. Also I've just had to give up my job because his job is so unpredictable that I can't commit to any specific days etc I feel trapped and like I'm making so many sacrifices. I also live far away from family which is so difficult with 2 kids.
I just don't know what to do, part of me wants to leave and move on but I feel in limbo at the moment as he is away for another 2 months. At the same time I think if I wait till he gets home it's like om lying to him every day pretending everything is fine between us.

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OP posts:

Led92 · 01/02/2023 14:39

That is tough. I mean even being apart that much no wonder you lose any sense of connection. Anyone would!!!

If you decide it’s over could you move closer to family? They might be able to offer support enough so you find your feet and can get a job of sorts?

Adviceneeded200 · 01/02/2023 14:44

Can I just say that I was fearful of a military life when I first met my husband but, as it happens, he sadly had to leave the forces quite young for a medical problem and picked up civvy street work, so we've had a normal life.

I often think how hard it must be. How many years does he have left to serve?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster

SK93 · 01/02/2023 14:46

@Led92 that is definitely something I want to do, my sister has 2 young children aswell and I know I would be happier closer to her and so would she.

OP posts:

Original poster

SK93 · 01/02/2023 14:47

@Adviceneeded200 I think he's only got another 2 years but at this point I think the damage is already done and can't be reversed. I also can't imagine him being happy doing any other job so would never ask him to leave.

OP posts:

louise5754 · 01/02/2023 14:57

I've been a military wife 17 years. He retires in 3. It's shit op. Do you live on or near camp? We don't we are in different countries.

Original poster

SK93 · 01/02/2023 15:03

@louise5754 we live near camp but he is on ops for 2 more months. In the past year he was away june-october and then November to present, back beginning of April. I only had our son March last year and felt like I've done so much alone and he's been a really difficult baby too so I've struggled mentally and been physically exhausted.

OP posts:

Headinthesandmindinthegutter · 01/02/2023 22:43

So sorry OP, I have friends married to military guys and I see the struggle, I couldn't do it myself. Could you look at moving home near family with him commuting and living on camp in the week? I know it won't solve your feelings about him but being closer to your family may at least help you to get support and not feel so isolated. A friend ended up doing this, Husband goes home most weekends and it has made a bit of a difference. Maybe talk to the Welfare team if your camp has one, they may be able to give some advice? Good luck though, look after yourself!

Wakemeup17 · 02/02/2023 09:43

But you must have known his job was unpredictable when you were deciding to have kids with him?

Original poster

SK93 · 02/02/2023 10:02

@Wakemeup17 so what your saying is its my fault and I can't really complain about the situation I'm in?

I had no idea how I would cope in this situation though, he only joined a few years ago and things change dramatically when you have kids. I would be fine if I was on my own, still not sure our relationship would have survived but with kids it's so much more stressful and lonely. Some people can do military life, I can't do it anymore

OP posts:

GoodChat · 02/02/2023 10:23

Is it possible he could request a base transfer so you could be closer to family?

Although I know you've said the damage is done so that might be a pointless suggestion and I don't even know if it's a thing.

GoodChat · 02/02/2023 10:24

Wakemeup17 · 02/02/2023 09:43

But you must have known his job was unpredictable when you were deciding to have kids with him?

That's a really helpful comment. Do you feel better now?

Mnusernc · 02/02/2023 10:26

It could be the baby hormones/ breastfeeding/ hormonal contraception? I wouldn't make any big decisions until you're clear of all the above.

Original poster

SK93 · 02/02/2023 17:38

@GoodChat there's no base close to my family which is down south and I don't think he can anyway. He could be posted anywhere in a year's time

OP posts:

Wakemeup17 · 07/02/2023 12:20

GoodChat · 02/02/2023 10:24

That's a really helpful comment. Do you feel better now?

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From the OP's original post I really don't think his job is the problem, tbh...

Wakemeup17 · 07/02/2023 12:25

SK93 · 02/02/2023 10:02

@Wakemeup17 so what your saying is its my fault and I can't really complain about the situation I'm in?

Of course you can complain! And being on your own with two kids is hard. But I really don't think him moving closer or changing jobs would change that much in your relationship...

Ihadenough22 · 07/02/2023 16:22

I think that it a number of things that your dealing with here. Your husband is in the military and your based near an army camp. You have a 3 year old and a 10 month old. Meanwhile he was away from last March to Oct then he went away again last Nov and won't be back for another 2 month's.

Your dealing with a 3 year old and a 10 month old on your own. You gave up your job because you don't know where your husband will end up. You not near family so you don't have their support.
Do you have any friends where you are? Do you know anyone that could mind the kids and give you a break to do something you like? Even if you did a night class once a week and met some people it would give you some child free time.

Will your husband always be expected to travel in his role? Has he done any extra courses ect that would help get work outside the army? I know when you join the army you agree to stay there for x number of year's - when can your husband leave the army? Can he buy himself out of the army?

I knew a man who was in the army. He decided to do a degree when he was their and the army paid for it. Like your husband he was going away for 6 months at a time. He realised that long term this was not going to work for family life. He decided that once he was allowed to leave he was going to do so. He had a degree and good experience so he started to apply for jobs coming up to the period of when he was allowed to leave. He got a job and handed in his notice then.

I think in your circumstances that I would try to see if you could get your children minded and see if they are any jobs locally even part time to give you an outlet and keep up your national insurance contributions.

I would also be prepared to have a proper chat with your husband about his long term plans and when can he leave the army. If he can learn certain skills, do a trade or degree when he is their it can give him options when he leaves.

He can't expect you to have the children full time on your own for 6/8 months of the year or for you to stay unemployed for his army career. He needs to make a plan with you and sort things out so long term it's better for you all.
I know couples who put in the long hours in jobs, did traveling, had long distance relationships, did degrees when working ect but it was a few years of hard work that were going to pay off long term for them and their families. Their was a plan in place and a light at the end of the tunnel.
It was not one person expecting the other person and their kids to work around what suited them.

If he is not willing to leave the army I would see could you move home, get a job and stay with parents until you get a place to live. If you had some family support I think it would help you to move forward.

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