Please help I just can’t make a decision and it’s making me ill

[Sotornjay7]

Okay so I will try to keep this as short as I can.
I have been with my partner for 8 years. We have 1 child together. Our child has severe anxiety issues possibly autistic and adhd. He loves his family being together. His anxiety is very severe.
We have a lovely home and I am able to be a sahm mum to our son who has needed me there for his mental health. Prior to that I had a very successful business of my own which I gave up for my son as his needs came first.
fast forward to now. I am in a relationship where we sleep in separate beds, have zero affection, and with a man who gives me the serious ick!!
Mow before anyone comes for me please read this carefully. He has a very additive personality he used to smoke a lot but has quit that and turned to food. He literally eats non stop at home and has put on so much weight. His baldness has become a problem for me too. It was not initially. Seeing someone binge eat and drink daily is so unattractive for me.
Weight aside I am just not physically attracted to him at all and the thought of being intimate to him makes me throw up.
Believe me i don’t have the best figure but he is so into me and always tries to flirt but that just makes me feel so cringed out.
I even say to him I am really not that special at all and make fun out of myself to try and out him off but he’s not phased.
The problem I have is my children are my life and their happiness comes before anything in the world even before my happiness. I want to leave him to find someone I can fall in love with and want to be with but I can’t I am stuck.
I don’t want my children to have to go without. I can’t see my little boy broken without his parent together he is already so mentally unwell. He can’t even bare us not being in the same room.
I would live in a show box but I can’t remove my kids from the home they love. We have a purpose built sensory room for our youngest.
I have no savings nothing to offer my kids. We would prob end up in a hostel somewhere. I would be happy but they would suffer.
To me it’s like I have no choice but to live this awkward relationship until my kids are older but I’ll be 50 by then.
I have never been in love with a man and I have missed that feeling.
He deserves better than me. I feel guilty for the fact he is with me and for how distant i am but I can’t help it.
It is not just physical it’s mental too.
Has anyone ever walked in my shoes ?

Have you thought that the anxiety of your son might be caused by picking up on your relationship problems? If he's stressed out by you being in different rooms, it's really not sustainable and needs addressing in a different way.

I don't think that faking it and trying to pretend everything is OK, and staying together for him is actually a solution.

He might be better off in a happier household where his parents don't live together = where the worst has happened, but he's okay and so is everyone else.

The problem I have is my children are my life and their happiness comes before anything in the world even before my happiness.

The problem is you think your children can be happy with a desperately unhappy parent. The transition to leaving will be rocky but you clearly have skills and abilities which can bring in an income, and things will settle down again. In a safe, peaceful home where everyone’s happiness matters.

@category12 i appreciate your response but he definitely does not get anxiety from us. It’s part of his condition. We rarely argue and we only sleep in separate rooms as my son won’t sleep without me by his side. Partner snores anyway so sleeping in same room never worked.
I can’t stress how is separating would have huge negative effect on our son. He has melt downs even when dad leaves the house. He just loves his family all together.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you but for me to work it would have to be a school hours job which is hard. My son is not stable in school at the moment so currently not certain he will be able to remain in school possibly looking at HE. I just can’t not be there for him.

@SK93 hi there sorry to hear of your troubles.
Could I kindly ask you to create your own thread please.
x

Hi I'm so sorry I meant to create my own thread and didn't realise I was commenting on yours. I'm new to this so just figuring it out. Ps I've been trying to delete and now realise you can't delete comments. Again so sorry xx

I don’t know why ppl post these threads except for support. We can’t wave a magic wand so that you’re mentally and physically attracted to your partner.
why don’t you agree to separate but stay living together and that might give you the chance to pursue a social life outside of your relationship if you think your son would let you?

If you’ve decided not to leave… don’t. But you have to find coping mechanisms if that’s your choice.

SK93, you need to start a new thread for this. Depending what deviceyou’re using, you need to click on an arrow near thetop right corner, orgo back to the Relationships board and look for ‘Start a new thread’.

@Ofcourseshecan I've done that now, I didn't realise I was commenting on someone else's thread and tried to delete but figured out you can't

Hi @SK93 - you can "report" your post on this thread and MNHQ will delete it for you. These mistakes happen all the time.

OP, I think you have more of a child's MH/parenting problem than you do a relationship problem. I mean, it's obvious that you should break up with your husband. Figuring how to manage your child's condition while you do that is the difficult bit.

I don't think staying in the relationship is sustainable or right for either of the adults and I don't think ultimately it's good for your child to see you stay together because of him either. What sort of model is it for him in relationships when he's older? There;s a certain amount of sacrifice in parenting, but modelling healthy behaviours and healthy relationships is also important.

You ultimately have to decide between the short term nastiness/difficulty of having your dcs adjust to life without yourself and your dh living together and long term unhappiness for yourself. Do you really want to be in separate beds/living with a man who repulses you physically for the next few decades?

That’s a hard price to pay for keeping a facade of stability for your dcs - I know it’s a hard decision but personally I couldn’t live like that.

Thanks ladies. I’m literally at my parents in such a state about it all. Just feel so overwhelmed and want to run away. It’s like rock or a hard place. Just can’t hurt my baby boy