Therapy and Narcissism

[Gigi45732]

Hi everyone.
I am going through therapy after my husband had affairs, lied to me and then left last year.
After a few sessions, my therapist categorically said that my husband is a narcissist and has no empathy or insight. I am struggling hugely with reconciling the love I have for my husband and father of my children and talking openly about his abuse and coming to the realisation that I endured this and blamed myself for his affairs etc.

Did your therapist explain to you what a narcissist is?
Why did you blame yourself for his affairs?

Therapists can diagnose narcissism, can they now? And all without even meeting the person in question? They must be a keen MNer...

Your struggle to process what happened and what you endured at the hands of your common-or-garden arsehole of a husband is valid and necessary. The hardest is to understand that what you considered as your 'love' was not actually that, but rather a measure of codependency or trauma bonding. If your therapist is otherwise good, then trust in the process. A future of freedom will eventually result.

Okay so you need to find a new therapist. They have no business in armchair pathology, particularly with people they don’t know.

Sweet lord there are so many bad eggs in that industry. Is your therapist qualified? Like level 7 qualified?

My therapist is NHS qualified so I do believe in her professionalism.
I blamed myself because my husband told me it was my fault. He got me to drop him off on dates with my son in the car (I was unaware of the affair). He raged and broke glasses etc if I questioned why he was late home from work after the affair had ended (it hadn’t). He would have said what’s it got to do with you.
When my father was diagnosed with cancer, I was very upset and his reply was you’re acting as if he’s already dead.

@Gigi45732

Well let me tell you diagnosing someone you’ve never met is a huge red flag for a “therapist”.

Hmm so there’s psychological disorder type narcissism which your therapist can’t diagnose, and definitely not without seeing the person in question.

And then there’s narcissism in the unfortunately very common arrested development sense of the word. People who haven’t been parented well tend not to integrate their narcissism (a reasonable degree of narcissism is very normal and essential for being a person, able to identify what you want in life and what’s good for you) or develop the capacity for empathy (to be able to hold another person in mind alongside yourself).

It’s a sliding scale and, OP, your feelings while you come to terms with this are all very normal and valid. Hopefully therapy will help you see that it’s normal to feel a zillion things at once and that we can hold all those apparently opposing feelings in us.

Btw your therapist isn’t necessarily bad - so much depends on how they worded this to you. We’re they saying ‘I’m diagnosing him with narcissistic personality disorder’ or did they say more along the lines of ‘going by your experience with him, your husband appears to have narcissistic qualities’ - vast difference.

My partner also had multiple affairs behind my back during our 5 year relationship which ended last year. I couldn't make sense of it for weeks until the fog in my mind lifted. I also believe him to be a narcissist. I have found comfort in understanding what this is & making sense of what I experienced with the only aim to move forwards in my life & heal myself from this horrific experience. I can recommend Dr Ramani on YouTube & Lisa A Romano

I agree with this.

My therapist said that 'it sounds like X could possibly have NPD' then proceeded to explain to me what NPD is and how it occurs according to Freudian psychology. The therapist wasn't diagnosing X.

Yes, I can see that of course she hasn’t professionally diagnosed him as she couldn’t without seeing his behaviour firsthand.
The reason she was so concerned about his behaviour aside from the affairs etc was of an incident where he wouldn’t talk to me for days but over dinner at my parents, where he acted the charming post affair apologetic husband, he would announce that he had booked us all tickets for some show/ family event and would watch as I struggled with does he even mean me to go with him and he made it clear at home that he didn’t like me. My family would then be confused by my confusion and I would look difficult, unreasonable even. 😔

Narcissism is not the same as narcissistic personality disorder. There is absolutely no reason to claim she is a bad therapist unless she actually insisted he has NPD.
Dr Ramani has a great video on this topic.

She has her own channel DoctorRamani on youtube and I highly recommend it.

A therapist can’t categorically label anyone based on another’s version of events. But your husband does sound cruel and unsafe. How did she suggest you move forward?

Thanks - yes the last year especially has been very difficult. He had a protracted affair yet denied all of it even when the evidence was quite literally there in front of both of eyes. The first DDAy he said he would return as he e believed I could make him happy. Cue a year of misery as he continued the affair and watched me disintegrate. Second DDay, he left and refuses to discuss anything as I’m not being nice to him. He doesn’t see me as a person, just a thing to be played with.
I am a professional, was the main breadwinner in the past etc but quite literally at present I can nearly string a sentence together and feel so unworthy.
His favourite line is this year has been very difficult for him, of course he knows it has been difficult for me but it was very difficult for him.

He found all the shagging and lying difficult, did he?🙄

It seems like you are starting to see him for the person he is, which is so difficult when you don’t want your reality questioned. Even when we elbow deep down.

Irrespective of your therapists comments, you are better off without this man in your life. You will get over him and be much better off in time. Start by taking the focus off him and his nasty behaviour and instead start taking good care of yourself.