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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Massaging other woman

50 replies

Gina2919 · 01/02/2023 12:04

So how do I start...at the beginning

12 months ago I recieved a fb message from a girl who screenshot a message my bf sent her...when I sent him the message I asked what the hell is this...he said don't know anything then said I'm going bed, but was on fb till 3 in the morning...anyways the girl then sent me more messages the following day saying it looks like it was 2nd account and it shut down the night before, exactly the time I pull him on the message I received from the girl...we went back and forth for months because I knew he was lying to me...he eventually said I could have access to his fb, no messages was coming from girls however on looking at his history I could see over the 15 months we had been together he had friend requested a lot of females...he also had a lot of females blocked which u felt was strange....after another number of rows and him still denying anything I decided to end it at which point he admitted that he messaged girls at night when he was bored and it wasn't anything sexual so he didn't class it as cheating and wasn't doing anything wrong...he said he would stop as he can see it was ruining our relationship and can now see it wasn't right if it was hurting me....fast forard 12 months. We was out on Saturday night and as I came back from the toilet he was messaging someone then deleted the message straightaway, I pulled him on it and he said he didn't know what I was talking about i'd been drinking and went to the toilet...well I left the meal and left him to make his own way home. He then explained the next day it was a message to his kids mum saying he can't talk as I'm on my way back from the toilet...didn't believe his story as he had all night to think of a reason...then the next night he gets a fb message and I say who is that...he says some tart I look at the message and say she is replying to a message you have sent her, when did you message her? He was very vague and couldn't remember then said he replied to a story and it sends a message...to which I say why are you sending messages to girls again...he goes off on one saying I'm obsessed and need to get over it all and trust him...I said I find it insulting that my bf would rather spend his evening sat downstairs in his lounge messaging other woman instead of spending time with me...so my question is do you think it's OK for your partner to message other woman regardless of the context of the messages?
This really is making me ill I've had 12 months of this crap now. I don't think he would get to the point of actually physically cheating, but to me it's still cheating...please help because 12 months and it's still no better and he doesn't get it

OP posts:

DestinysGrandchild · 01/02/2023 14:10

Jesus Christ. Just leave him.

butterfliedtwo · 01/02/2023 14:13

Having a man is not worth your self respect. I really wish more women would realise that.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2023 14:13

Gina2919 · 01/02/2023 13:41

Messaging woman on fb

Can I do a TL:DR for you?

My bf is a sleaze, messaging other women late at night and then gaslighting me over itm. I've put up with it for over a year as I have shit self esteem and don't believe I deserve better. He claims the problem is me but I'm starting to see its him. AIBU to LTB ASAP and never look back?

No, you wouldn't be. Please do.

Johnisafckface · 01/02/2023 14:24

Good grief, just get rid of this prick already. Why would you WANT to make this work? He's a habitual liar and emotional cheater (at the least), nothing about him is worth it.

Original poster

Gina2919 · 01/02/2023 14:25

He makes it out that I'm the one with the problem...I'm obsessed with him always on hid phone...can I also say the guy is 55 and spends all day every day on his phone...he wakes up about 6 times in the night and looks on his phone waking me up...he sits up till 2am most nights on his own on his phone...then blames me because I go to bed early...I'm up at 6.30am and work very long hours ...he is self-employed and doesn't work as many hours as me. I'm just tired of being disrespected why am I not good enough for him that he has to talk to strange woman he doesn't really know....the last lady lives in Mexico and she states they are just friends...how can they be friends she doesn't even know him...it's like he is obsessed and feels the need he has to speak to all theses females when he is bored as he puts it...he drinks every night until early hours of the morning.. I might as well be on my own because we do very little together and when we do he is always on his phone...my anxiety is ridiculous at the moment and I'm always on edge... all I'm doing is questioning everything is this my fault...why am I not enough

OP posts:

Nelly10 · 01/02/2023 14:29

The fault lies with him the cheater it’s nothing to do with you.

Seriously he’s a sad loser and is bringing you down, just get rid.

Suzi9989 · 01/02/2023 14:33

Why are you putting up with this?

peachescariad · 01/02/2023 14:42

"wasn't anything sexual"....what a load of total BS he was/is after wank fodder.

He's pissed off cos you've caught him out with his dirty little secret.

Dump him then he can all the time in the world to message.

Original poster

Gina2919 · 01/02/2023 14:44

I honestly don't know why I'm putting up with it tbh...at the moment I'm trying to act normal and get my shit together so I get out of this relationship...we have just moved in together and we both have kids...mine is 21 so not a child but I will need to find somewhere else to move into which isn't easy as it took ages to find a decent rental

OP posts:

slowquickstep · 01/02/2023 14:47

You know what you need to do.

Shahira78 · 01/02/2023 14:51

He is calling women 'tarts'? Is this the sort of man you look up to?
God knows what he calls you behind your back.

MegaClutterSlut · 01/02/2023 15:21

You should've saved yourself 12 months of mental torture by getting rid of him a year ago. He has shown he's never going to change. He's a dirty sleaze! Poor thing obviously can't help himself 🙄

Also don't blame yourself, you could be perfect in everyway and he'd still do it because that's who he is, its nothing to do with how you are. He's never going to change

adhdpunchbag · 01/02/2023 15:31

Depends. My masseur normally starts with my neck and shoulders.

NOVA2023 · 01/02/2023 17:03

Your not alone mine lays beside me and talks to whoever all night barley speaking to me..

It is a form of cheating, and it sucks to be on the recieving end

You dont deserve to be mistreated like that and neither do i

Im sorry

SweetCheeks69 · 01/02/2023 19:43

I'm sorry to heat your dealing with the same problem...what is it with men why do they feel the need to message other woman, just doesn't make sense to me....would he like it if I went around messaging men behind his back...I know what I have to do

sanityisamyth · 01/02/2023 19:44

BrightSaturn · 01/02/2023 19:49

I don’t understand why you’re still with him? He’s a loser just get rid of him.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/02/2023 19:52

He's 55!! The reason he is waking up in the night and checking his phone is to get rid of anything you might see that you wouldn't like . He clearly is to put it nicely a bit of a loser who gets a buzz from messages from women - makes him feel a right stud !! I had a female friend who was like this too- it made her feel popular and wanted- to be fair though she was single!! She didn't really want a relationship though , she just liked an inbox with a lot of messages.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2023 19:55

You can do better than this knobber

SuperHandss · 01/02/2023 19:56

Don’t unpack.

This relationship is dead and he will never change.

Dartmoorcheffy · 01/02/2023 20:02

55? I was expecting him to be in his early 20s. Seriously he is a waste of space, he's lying to you, he's playing mind games with you, and he's absolutely looking for sex with these women. He's a sleaze. Raise your bar and get rid.

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 01/02/2023 20:13

PinotPony · 01/02/2023 13:45

He's an arsehole. You can't trust him. Find someone better.

This.
Sorry you've had 12 months of this.
I'd cut my losses. Better times are round the corner x

helloelsie · 01/02/2023 20:48

There is only one answer to this - get rid of him.

Work on your self esteem as a single person.

You have a lot of work to do before you get into a relationship again. A LOT.

Good luck x

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/02/2023 20:50

How do you change it? By dumping him. No brainer. You are worth more than this loser

Loveabitofrain · 02/02/2023 00:02

Get out now!! I’ve been there. That’s classic gaslighting! He’s after an ego trip and it will be sexual.

They see it as not cheating because it’s not physical! Pathetic!

If you don’t end it he will just carry on. You’ll be an anxious mess and constantly paranoid.

Look after your mental health; that comes first!

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