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Original poster

Feeling sad about lack of effort from ILs

17 replies

Lollipalooza · 01/02/2023 11:32

Am expecting lots of contrary views but just wanted to get this out there, knowing I may be unreasonable but can't help it.

DH and I welcomed first DC three weeks ago, who is the first baby on his side. Obviously she is now the centre of our universe, and I'm not expecting the same excitement from anyone else BUT I am upset by the lack of effort from DH's family.

In their defence, we live about 3 hours drive away so not an easy distance.

MIL came up first week for a few hours. Lots of cuddles and pictures which is sweet, but (I know I'll get flamed for this!) she didn't bring a gift or card or anything for baby and did not buy or offer anything during the pregnancy. I know gifts are not a given, but I just thought she would (she goes on about spoiling baby without input from us). We've been spoiled by my family, our friends and our colleagues so don't need anything and haven't asked for anything, but I just thought the grandparents would want to contribute.

DD has not met FIL yet - despite lots of chat to say he would drive up to visit, he has not followed up with a date at all. He still works, but does 3 days in 7 so has plenty of time off and we have a spare room if he wants to stay the night.

SIL said she was coming this weekend for a few days, but when DH followed up this morning to confirm timings etc, she said she had forgotten she was double booked (a friend's birthday party) and couldn't make it after all.

I haven't spoken to DH yet but he's pretty easy going so not sure if he is upset, but I am. Just feel like they're not bothered about DD at all.

I may be overreacting though!

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 01/02/2023 22:33

They all sound incredibly weird. How could you not buy a gift or send a card for your newborn Grandchild? How could you forget you had double booked? They sound flakey and selfish. I wouldn't expect anything much from them because they don't seem to be the type of people to give it

Original poster
Lollipalooza · 01/02/2023 23:06

Thanks @Zerrin13!

This is exactly how I feel about it. I spoke to DH and he's not bothered at all - just said that's what they're like.

I guess I'm just not used to it, or thought it would be different for DD but I know now to adjust expectations!

OP posts:
wizzywig · 01/02/2023 23:16

They're probably all been reading mumsnet and think they shouldn't go near you and the baby at all

GoodVibesHere · 01/02/2023 23:18

Congratulations on your baby OP.

My PIL were similarly disinterested. It was many years ago now - my children are teenagers, but I've never forgotten the disinterest and how hurt I felt. Their loss really, but still it hurt.

ZekeZeke · 02/02/2023 05:25

Assume its not the first grandchild on your Dh Side?
Assume your In laws have a daughter who has children?
In laws never seem as interested in their sons children as much as they do in their daughters children-from experience.

Re gifts. Perhaps they are waiting for a baptism or have ordered something. I wouldn't overthink the non gift but regarding them being disinterested, it's very common when it's the DIL and not daughter having the child.

autienotnaughty · 02/02/2023 05:32

Yes I agree they could make more effort and (assuming they can afford it) a gift is normal. I've had both extremes when I had my dd my ils bought the cot, loads of clothes, painted their spare room ready for her to stay in. Years later I had ds (different dad) new ils were totally different they came to visit the next day for couple hours but after that we barely saw them and generally it's when we go to visit. When their own dd had a child it was like god himself had been reborn.

BloggersBlog · 02/02/2023 05:37

@ZekeZeke it's literally in the 2nd paragraph, it's the first baby on their side 🙄

I would be hurt too @Lollipalooza but they are settling the tone, which means you don't have to put in any effort with them either. This may turn out a blessing in the future

Ragwort · 02/02/2023 05:41

A six hour round trip is a huge distance! I do think you are expecting a lot ... my own parents (& ILs) lived a long way away from us when we had our DS and although my mother visited us after ten days or so (when I was home from hospital- difficult birth) I can't recall my father visiting during the first couple of months. ILs can't win .. if they visit too often they are intrusive and if they don't visit they are uncaring. And no decent parent or IL would be expecting to be hosted by brand new parents.

Have you actually invited your FIL ... he may be respecting your privacy and not want to put you out by visiting? I have an only DC - an adult DS - and I would be very reluctant to 'invite myself' if he and his DW have a baby. Don't get upset about lack of gifts or cards ... some people do gifts, some don't.

Relax and enjoy your baby Smile.

ZekeZeke · 02/02/2023 05:42

BloggersBlog · 02/02/2023 05:37

@ZekeZeke it's literally in the 2nd paragraph, it's the first baby on their side 🙄

I would be hurt too @Lollipalooza but they are settling the tone, which means you don't have to put in any effort with them either. This may turn out a blessing in the future

Oops ignore me. It's 5.30am apologies.

Lack of interest is hurtful but OP surround yourself and your DD with people who love and cherish you both.

StarsSand · 02/02/2023 05:48

It's hurtful but you can't change people. Just focus on the people who are there for you.

And be grateful they aren't nightmares who won't leave you alone.

Foxywood · 02/02/2023 06:05

What kind of childhood did DH have - hands on parents or not? is he the least favoured sibling? are they a very undemonstrative family?
I think others get more interested in your child once it is sitting up, smiling etc

Can you go there for a visit.

Tannedandfake · 02/02/2023 06:06

You’ve posted about this before??

WandaWonder · 02/02/2023 06:08

wizzywig · 01/02/2023 23:16

They're probably all been reading mumsnet and think they shouldn't go near you and the baby at all

Absolutely this, no reflection on the op but I expect a long royal scroll these days with 'disclaimer we are accepting visitors between 12.02pm and 12.17pm on a blue moon after lent when Pluto is behind Mars, and you have to follow these rules' waiting on a stand outside

Back the op but some people are not into babies as being honest they don't do much

CantAskAnyoneElse · 02/02/2023 06:12

You said your family, friendsand co-workers (!) has already bought you lot of stuff, focus on what you have.

And take a lead from your husband, he seem reasonable enough,

At the end of the day it’s just a baby, many don’t care about them, nevermind someone else’s.
Just read here, parents saying the don’t like / care about other people’s kuds.

MargotChateau · 02/02/2023 06:16

We have opposite issues, I’d give anything to be left alone. I have inlaws that offer zero help or assistance but want to constantly visit and when they do they hold court and talk at us, whist we struggle to stay awake/act interested. Can’t wait till we move to my home country and I no longer have to see them.

Rewis · 02/02/2023 06:32

Are they gift people in general and usually visit often? Like do they always show up with something but now suddenly they don't visit and don't give gifts? I'd say let go of the gift thing but for a visit agree on a date and time when you talk to them. Everywhere there ate "instructions" on how to visit new borns. It's basically you have to always wait to be invited and basically that you will be a nuisance so stay one hour, bring your own food and offer to vacuum their house 😅

catfunk · 02/02/2023 06:52

Sorry I think YABU. It's a 6 hour round trip.

Also bonus is you won't have to look after them when they're elderly if they're keeping a distance, bonus!

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