How can you know, really, if you’re the problem?

[terryi]

My parents and I have a fractured relationship. There are good bits but if an argument happens I’m met with huge awful accusations like I was a nightmare child and now I’m a nightmare adult, no wonder I don’t have a partner, no wonder my ex left me and the baby etc etc

how can I really know if it’s me and I am the problem?

It's not you, its them. They were and remain the nightmare here. Its not your fault they are like this; their own families likely did that to them and they chose when they became parents to repeat similar to you. I would keep them well away from both you and your child going forward. Such people like your parents also never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your parents set you up good and proper in childhood into receiving harsh and or otherwise abusive treatment from them and in turn other abusers when you became an adult. Do you have siblings; if so what's their relationship like with parents these days?.

Do you dread hearing from your parents?. How do you feel about them these days?. Does one parent always back up the other?. I would think your relationship with them is only "good" when you are subservient, fully accept your assigned role as their scapegoat and or otherwise do what they want of and from you. Do some reading around toxic parents (Susan Forward's book called Toxic Parents is a good starting point) and consider also getting therapy regarding your parents. Have a read also of the current "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

When it comes to parent and child relationship blame goes up but not down. You ll invariably find this out when your child is older.... In the meantime do a bit of digging into what makes for positive relationships, try to follow this and if it doesn't work with someone then it's not your fault.