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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Last night I wrote down how my husband made me feel. sorry long post.

15 replies

seventyseven · 07/02/2008 08:36

We had had 'words' over something and nothing, which ended with him calling me a tit. I dont like how he speaks to me sometimes Its really getting me down. Its not alway what he says, its the tone of his voie. It seems sillly seeing it written down now on here.

When we got into bed, I couldnt sleep and tried to talk to him about how I felt. Again it just turned into him complaining about whatever it was that I had done. usual senario.

I got up and came downstairs. I saw on TV a man put his arm round a woman and give her a supportive hug, this made me cry and I wote down how I felt. I was not sure whether to give him the note, but as I felt better for writing it I put it in his bag.

He has rung and he does not seem to acknowledge how I feel at all. He says he is angry too and I am condesending ( is that how you spell it?) I am just sick of being spoken to like I am a naughty kid. I dont know who he thinks he is sometimes.

his father does speak to his mother like this at times. He knows I dont like it and think his mother should say somethig to him.

I am short tempered with my 2.8 yr old this morning. we also have a 6 mth old. I feel drained.

We have been together 10 years, married for 4. I dont have any doubts about us loving each other. I suppose its just something we need to sort out - a rough patch, but I feel sick, empty and alone. I cant bear for us to be like this.

Why cant he acknowledge how I feel. Why does it always turn into a discussion about him and what I have done wrong.

OP posts:
foofi · 07/02/2008 08:38

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. The only advice I can give is that you can't change other people, only yourself. So if what he does upsets you, you either have to react differently to it and decide not to let it get to you, or you have to do something about it, maybe counselling?

Flier · 07/02/2008 08:44

Good for you for writing it all down, its a good way of unloading and the fact you gave it to him too will hopefully get both of you talking about it, but I'm guessing he's at work right now and can't really enter into a conversation about it all?

Anyway, tonight when he comes home, ask him for a hug and take it from there, thats what I'd do anyway.

NotQuiteCockney · 07/02/2008 08:50

It sounds like you're both upset and not being nice to each other. It sounds like neither of you feels the other acknowledges their feelings.

seventyseven · 07/02/2008 08:50

Yes, he is at work. I could ring him, but I dont think he would be able to talk freely. I'm not sure I know what to say at the moment anyway.

OP posts:
stuffitall · 07/02/2008 08:53

Hi, sorry it's tough for you. I know what it's like, being made to feel you are always in the wrong. But it's true, you can't change other people. Other people though may change in response to the changes you make yourself.

If I were you the first thing I would do is take some time today to move away from your thoughts by being with someone you can have fun with, for an hour, even if it's just for a coffee, someone who really likes you, not to talk about this but to get a perspective on life away from the intensity of your "non-communication". Afterwards it will seem so much clearer that you can't possibly be always in the wrong, and that there will be confident ways you can talk to your dh that help him to understand how you are feeling.

He might have some insecurities which lead him to feel he must always be right (for some men if they can't think this their world collapses!) But it's an expression of maturity to be able to accept that both sides are wrong sometimes and that if he gives you support, you will be more confident and successful in whatever areas he feels "let down".

Does this make sense? I think I know what you feel, and it's such a drainer if it continues.

jelliebelly · 07/02/2008 08:58

I wouldn't ring him at work as you really need to have these kind of conversations face to face. It sounds like you both need to get some stuff off your chest and listen to each others feelings before you can work out ways to deal with it - have you thought about counselling?

jelliebelly · 07/02/2008 08:58

I wouldn't ring him at work as you really need to have these kind of conversations face to face. It sounds like you both need to get some stuff off your chest and listen to each others feelings before you can work out ways to deal with it - have you thought about counselling?

NotQuiteCockney · 07/02/2008 09:02

Oh, yes, please talk face-to-face.

Writing down how you feel, to work it out, can be useful, but it's not always worth showing the letter to the person concerned - better to have a chat with them, face-to-face, guided by what you've worked out.

seventyseven · 07/02/2008 09:03

Thanks stuff. I do think he has a lot of insecurities abot some things - I hadnt thought of thigs in that way, but it does seem to fit.
and yes, I probably would be better equipped to deal with whatever is his issue if I felt supported.

I just have to stop this non communication. I think its this kind of thing the finishes relationships.

OP posts:
seventyseven · 07/02/2008 09:05

I have mentioned counselling before, but he will have none of it. I could do with an idiots guide to steps towards better marital communication, if such a thing exists.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 07/02/2008 09:08

Relate have done some books, that maybe you could work through with him, if he can't face the idea of discussing things in front of someone else?

seventyseven · 07/02/2008 09:09

That sounds worth a try. Do you know where I would get them? i'll have a look at amazon.

OP posts:
seventyseven · 07/02/2008 09:12

Gosh, there are loads. I dont suppose anyone could reccommed one?

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 07/02/2008 09:15

It's sometimes a matter of picking the right moment to talk about this kind of stuff (easier said than done I know!). dh and I have been married for 11 years but we have had ups and downs during that time - if there is one thing I have learned it's that talking about this kind of stuff in the heat of the moment doesn't work, neither does waiting until you are both in bed and ready for sleep because you both then just end up getting narked with each other.

I think you need to try and pick a moment when you are both relaxed and not distracted by other stuff and try to initiate a conversation where you try and at least get him to agree that there is stuff that needs sorting out (also try not to blame him however much you want to - men react very badly to blame ime!!)

Anna8888 · 07/02/2008 09:21

"I just have to stop this non communication. I think its this kind of thing the finishes relationships."

You are absolutely right about this.

I think you both need to sit down and try to discuss how you talk to one another. Maybe a counsellor would be a good idea, as a third party can help you keep on track.

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