Struggling do not want to be the jealous type co parenting/relationship

[Firsttimemum120]

Hi everyone here is the back story

I'm 27 with a 13 month old baby
My partner is 38 with 2 children 10 year old and our 13 month old.

He has known his ex partner 20 years and they had their child at the end of their relationship so to speak. Obviously I've only been around 2.5 years and before I had my child everything was fine I had no jealousy I had no worries I had no insecurities and I had no paranoia. 13 months later it's all I see.

Their child started training so we all used to go in support until It got too cold and dark for my child. Then at weekends when games were on we would all go to them. Anyway something happened so I stopped going full stop and so did the eldest mum etc.

I now for some reason cannot stand the thought of my partner and his ex spending any time together. Like I don't ask if she goes to the games I don't cause I'd rather not know. I don't ask if she goes to training anymore cause I'd rather not know although from what's said she don't. I get cringed out about them
Sitting next to each other in a car etc it's all childish and it's really not doing my memtal health any good. They went to the game this weekend I didn't go and my partner got sent off for being annoying to the ref and I had this sense of anxiety knowing he'd of been stood with her for the duration that was left not to mention the fact they'd of had to walk out of there and in there together anyway with their child.

I think this began in the summer when it was their child's birthday they went off together for the day out and left me out and I'm not even joking I was crying every day for 2/3 weeks about it. Was in therapy at the time and spent 2 weeks worth of sessions just focused on that.

She says she hates him for what he did to her says she's nothing to worry about and says that we should stick together and I know in reality they both are there for their child so why can't I just see it like that. It's not like they can be getting it on in the football field with everyone around it's not like they would confuse their child. His life has moved on from what they used to be like and hers hasn't as much but they've both told me they don't want each other I just can't shake this feeling.

I don't want to be the bitter girlfriend as we now have a blended family but sometimes I feel like the spare part and don't know how to handle it. I've invited myself this weekend and I will go.

It needs to be about the children and as the ex has said before she can tell I sometimes can't focus on the kids and more the three
Of us adults.

I love the fact they can co parent it's so healthy and their child will always remember having both mum and dad there and that's an amazing thing and it's also amazing for both children to see the three of us getting on and giving them a good life experience.

You have posted this in the wrong section. Ask for it to be moved to Relationships.

You have years of this ahead of you - you need to get used to this. I believe in father and child time so there is no way I would be standing at the side of a cold football field with a 13 month old.

What are your weekend arrangements re the 10 year old? Is it EOW?

sake how did I manage this 😂

Hi OP, we've moved your thread to our Relationships topic.

She says she hates him for what he did to her says she's nothing to worry about and says that we should stick together
She sounds quite understanding and kind towards you, is that right?

Two weeks of therapy wasn't enough, by the sound of it? It doesn't sound much to me. Was it enough to work out where this jealousy comes from?

They went to the game this weekend I didn't go and my partner got sent off for being annoying to the ref and I had this sense of anxiety knowing he'd of been stood with her for the duration that was left not to mention the fact they'd of had to walk out of there and in there together anyway with their child.

I don’t get this. Is that at the child’s game? How did you partner get sent off? Or is she going to watch your partner play?

if it’s the child’s game they may be stood together whether he gets sent off or not.

Did something set you off feeling this way? Or has it developed for no reason?

@80s @Bellalalala

thanks for responding,

my partner manages his sons team so he got sent off the sideline because the referee didn’t like something I’m not quite sure as I wasn’t there.

i can’t really answer it because up until football came along we weren’t seeing them until it was every other weekend or every weekend so it was . Just for a bit of context when me and my partner got together he was having him every Saturday night. But then the mother said she wanted their child every other weekend so I said myself “ Okay let’s do every Other Friday and Saturday then” and it was the best time ever.

a lot changed when our baby came and things have happened and obviously I’m not as free as I used to be and he has started to request more one-one time with the eldest which NEVER was thee case before our child came .

the other mother is good with me, she loves my child and she’s always welcoming and always reassuring but I just don’t think I can go to her and talk about this.

i did fall out with her once though because we were both talking about our experiences with him and she was helping me and also slating him but she then told him that I was doing it ofme and told him what I was saying but never did tell him what she said so I had to tell him I obviously wasn’t able
to have several conversations with myself and if she wasn’t taking part why didn’t she do something about it sooner? I didn’t talk to her for 2 months.

i had therapy for 5 months and I feel like I need to go back.

I don’t think it’s an actual them problem I think it’s a me problem? They’ve known each other 20 years and can put their issues from the past to the side to coparent their child and you know nothing is actually stopping them being together if they wanted to be so why do I feel like this it’s not like they can sneak around he’s always out the city working and she’s always telling me about her sex life plus it would confuse their child.

i do think my partners a bit ignorant to it like we went on a drive the other day and he directed me around where they used to live where their friend lived etc but I would never be able to take him around where my ex used to live.

i don’t know I just don’t feel comfortable with things like sitting next to each other in the car or sofa etc like close and I imagine they may feel awkward and don’t do it either. I picture them laughing and joking and it gives me anxiety but why should I want them To do anything else? But when I’m around she pulls faces behind his back moans about his attitude at times and he’s the same when she annoys him but I Just worry it’s all fake.

i don’t know if they talk everyday I don’t know how often they do talk cause their child has a phone for that purpose so the mum doesn’t get disturbed. But I sit and think of it. I also can’t cope with the idea of them looking like a happy family on the outside to strangers but they are exactly that strangers so why do I care they don’t know nothing.

i wouldn’t want it to be any other way for the child’s sake but it sometimes comes across too much for me but then they have known each other 20 years so it’s going to be like that?

I've considered ending the relationship cause of this.

It does sound like it is partly your own anxiety, but otoh they clearly do spend a lot of time together, and it's understandable that you find that hard. My dp and his exw have a dd who's needed extra careful, coooperative parenting lately. I don't have any suspicions or worries about them getting together, but at the same time I'd rather they kept their business to themselves - I don't want to be involved. If they were constantly doing things together, I wouldn't be with him. But you had a child with your dp knowing that this would be the situation?

I also can’t cope with the idea of them looking like a happy family on the outside to strangers
When you and your dp are out with his son, strangers presumably think he's your joint son. Strangers constantly get it wrong: I remember being mistaken for my sisters' mother when I was 15 and they were 4/5!

What is it that you are afraid of, exactly? Them getting back together? And if they did - what are you most afraid of? Being alone, or something else?

Perhaps some more therapy would be good - I'm a big fan :)

I think if you think you need to go back to therapy then that’s probably a good idea.

I get on well with my ex from the outside but I’d never ever want to be in a relationship with him again, in fact we only really get on because we’re NOT together (he’s not my problem any more).

It sounds like they’re managing a healthy coparenting relationship for the sake of their child and that needs to be the priority, over feelings that you have that you admit don't really have any foundation.

Is there anything specific that you think is fuelling these feelings other than they have a past together and get on well now? Has he cheated before, on you or her/ have you been cheated on in other relationships? If you can pinpoint why you’re feeling like this, you might be able to think of ways to feel better.

I left the relationship today for a bunch of different reasons and now sat with our likely daughter unable to contact him.

Hi, are you the Op with a name change?

Were you unhappy with him, in general? Maybe that’s why this bothered you so much. Just a symptom of you unhappiness.

I hope you are ok

I agree with therapy

Your partner doesn't sound like he is helping your anxiety. Have you communicated your fears to him? Do you spend time together as a couple?

I want to reassure you, as the child gets older, they will have less contact.

But as another poster has said... maybe your not happy in your relationship? He sounds selfish tbh... maybe this is cause of your underlying anxiety

Are you the OP?

I’ve not been able to quite follow this thread. What do you mean by ‘likely daughter’?

My ex and I do loads together with our teen daughter. We probably do look like a happy family on the outside.

We split before she was one and nothing has ever happened since - bar a lot or arguing, nitpicking etc etc but all behind daughter's back - although now she's older she knows a fair bit more.

But for her - parents evening, birthdays, weekend shares, random days out, funerals...!

There is zero want to be near him any longer than these things need.

Ps if one of his partners, he's had 3 had started to get jealous, his personality type would say they were being ridiculous. True, but not really reassuring!

@MichaelKeaton I meant lovely 😂😂

@BertaHoon This is the thing, he just brushes it off like it’s my sons mum so deal with it. Which yes it is but it still doesn’t mean I have to like it. We’ve gone through a really big rough patch and I’ve walked away from our relationship buttttt I miss the good days where we were a family. I feel like reaching out to the other child’s mum cause she knows exactly how I’m feeling but it’s also her past and she doesn’t need to keep dealing with her exs life but you know. She always reassures me without knowing and for some reason I doubt her sometimes.

I’ve had to start not caring this week ahour what they do and don’t do and it’s sort of working. He’s got their son now ready for football tomorrow morning and then wants to see our daughter and it annoys me that he hasn’t allowed the children to bond.