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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Apprehensive about potential repercussions

12 replies

Januaryisthelongestyear · 01/02/2023 08:59

So last night DS (11) was awake when I thought he was asleep (it was nearly midnight ffs) and there's absolutely no way he missed hearing some very, um, enthusiastic personal time between me and DP (not his dad). I know this as he went to the bathroom next to our bedroom then hovered on the landing until I went out.

He didn't say anything, just told me how he was having trouble getting to sleep. Gave him a cuddle and turned his light off again.

Anyway. Am now concerned he'll bring this up with exh.i refuse to tell the kids to keep secrets, though we have tried to talk to them about privacy, but I am genuinely worried exh will feel the need to stick his beak in about DS overhearing me.

I'm not really looking for any advice here i don't think. Exh has extreme narcissist traits and likes to think my life is his business. I'll do my best to grey rock him if it happens, but I just needed a safe space to have a quiet freak out and maybe some understanding ears.

I thought the little bugger was asleep. If he had been nothing external would have woken him up. Argh.
Morto.

OP posts:
FuckFuckGo · 01/02/2023 10:02

Just stop being so loud, problem solved. You say nothing would wake him once he’s asleep but how do you know that? He’s hardly going to come in and tell you to be quiet!

It’s not fair to subject him to your sex noise which may well be distressing for him to hear and then expect him to keep it a secret.

LaLuz7 · 01/02/2023 10:10

He's not going to be traumatised by this one incident, but I would also advice to keep it down when he's in the house. Or at least check that he is indeed asleep first. Once is an accident, but if it becomes a pattern it would be a major lack of respect towards him.

Original poster
Januaryisthelongestyear · 01/02/2023 10:47

FuckFuckGo · 01/02/2023 10:02

Just stop being so loud, problem solved. You say nothing would wake him once he’s asleep but how do you know that? He’s hardly going to come in and tell you to be quiet!

It’s not fair to subject him to your sex noise which may well be distressing for him to hear and then expect him to keep it a secret.

Have put lego away in his room when asleep. Nothing disturbs him.

Plus he's the other end of the house. He wouldn't have heard if he'd been in his room.

I'm not concerned about my son. I can talk to him if he brings it up and obviously I can't any longer assume that lights out and no noise from his room means he's asleep, however my concerns are about my exh, not my son. It's unfortunate DS heard but such is life and I will support him as necessary and make steps to prevent it happening again. But this is not the issue. I can't change what happened already, can I.

OP posts:
FuckFuckGo · 01/02/2023 11:17

My concerns are about my exh, not my son

Why are you so concerned about your ex? What do you think he will do? I’d be more concerned about your son and making sure it doesn’t happen again. There was a thread on here a while ago about people who were traumatised by having to listen to their parents’ sex noise. It may seem like no big deal to you but it can be very distressing for children.

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/02/2023 11:19

What is he going to tell your ex? That you have a sex life?! You are a grown woman, there is nothing wrong with that!

Original poster
Januaryisthelongestyear · 01/02/2023 13:32

FuckFuckGo · 01/02/2023 11:17

My concerns are about my exh, not my son

Why are you so concerned about your ex? What do you think he will do? I’d be more concerned about your son and making sure it doesn’t happen again. There was a thread on here a while ago about people who were traumatised by having to listen to their parents’ sex noise. It may seem like no big deal to you but it can be very distressing for children.

But that is not this thread and nowhere did I say it was no big deal. I will make sure my DS is OK. I just don't like having to deal with my ex. He's not pleasant.

OP posts:
averythinline · 01/02/2023 13:43

why are you going to have to deal with your ex about it?
even if ur ds tells him which is unlikely as it'll be far too embarrassing....if ex says anything just say nothing to do with him...just grey rock it...

Isheabastard · 01/02/2023 13:56

Can you reframe this as it’s time your ex accepted that you are allowed to have a personal life? If your ex gets to know, don’t be apologetic. It’s just none of his business.

I understand your feelings as I have an ex who still thinks he’s in charge of me. I try to use reframing to help me get through many worries I have.

You now know that you need to be more aware if your son is asleep or not. I guess at 11 he’ll have a pretty good guess at what’s going on and may even be trying to listen out for it.

I read that in Victorian slums when people all lived in one room it was normal for children to know exactly what was going on from a very early age. It’s only this last century we’ve decided the sex act isn’t suitable for young ears.

BloodAndFire · 01/02/2023 14:01

I read that in Victorian slums when people all lived in one room it was normal for children to know exactly what was going on from a very early age. It’s only this last century we’ve decided the sex act isn’t suitable for young ears.

In Victorian slums there was also widespread child abuse and children were sent out to work from the age of 4 or 5. I don't think that's something to aspire to.

It's not OK for your child to hear this, at all.

BloodAndFire · 01/02/2023 14:04

And not incidentally, the NSPCC includes in their definition of 'non-contact sexual abuse':

encouraging or forcing a child to watch or hear sexual acts
not taking proper measures to prevent a child being exposed to sexual activities by others

learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/child-sexual-abuse

Your concern here really should not be about your relationship with your ex, but about the fact that you have absolutely not taken proper measures to stop your child being exposed to sexual activity.

The fact that you have at other times put lego away in his room without waking him could not be less relevant.

FuckFuckGo · 01/02/2023 14:08

BloodAndFire · 01/02/2023 14:04

And not incidentally, the NSPCC includes in their definition of 'non-contact sexual abuse':

encouraging or forcing a child to watch or hear sexual acts
not taking proper measures to prevent a child being exposed to sexual activities by others

learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/child-sexual-abuse

Your concern here really should not be about your relationship with your ex, but about the fact that you have absolutely not taken proper measures to stop your child being exposed to sexual activity.

The fact that you have at other times put lego away in his room without waking him could not be less relevant.

Exactly this.

Humanswarm · 03/02/2023 08:22

Oh good god, the OP didn't deliberately set out to abuse her child by forcing him to hear/see/participate in anything sexual. It was a genuine mistake, one of which parents across the country have made. Sex happens. Get a grip. She has said she will ensure her child is okay.
OP I am sorry you have had to read such tripe. In regards to your Exh..if, and it's is only an if, this does get back to him. Just don't engage. Or engage at a minimum. Don't feel bad or guilt or anything else.

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