Can’t forget first love

[MinnieMerlot]

I’m 40, married with a child but still dream about my first love, who I met when I was 16.

I have often regretted how things played out. I broke his heart because I was too immature and overwhelmed to have a boyfriend. Even though I loved him I just felt so awkward and angsty to be around him.

We reconnected in our early 20s and became sort of friends. Occasionally we would kiss on nights out and then we had one wonderful evening where we told each other we still loved each other. He asked me out on a proper ‘date’ after that. However I was seeing someone else so wanted to end that before moving forward (which I didn’t really communicate - I just said I couldn’t date at the moment). I did break up with the other guy fairly quickly but I must have scared off first love as he started seeing someone else and so when I was available he chose her instead. He broke off contact with me after that.

He is still with this woman now, 15 years later, although they are not married and don’t have kids. I met my own DH a year later. First love lives quite a creative, muso lifestyle while I settled down and had a more conventional career. They look happy on social media.

For many years I though about him every day, but now it’s only when something triggers it. Occasionally I have vivid dreams about him. I did last night, which made me feel so sad.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and not end our relationship all those years ago. I feel like he still has a piece of my heart.

I do love my DH though, and could never regret my DD.

How can I forget him?

Stop looking him up online and avoid him in real life. Do something exciting with your husband and family. People change a lot in 15 years, you couldn't make a go of it when life were simpler without children and responsibilities do you think you could now? nah. Have a mantra and repeat it whenever you get the nostalgia like: if it was meant to be it would have happened or 'life has moved on and we've changed now' or 'It was probably for the best'.
Do something new in your life like a hobby or a project. Occupy yourself, don't indulge the thoughts and appreciate what you have now. No more fantasy land escapes and no cyber stalking.

Thanks - yes I needed that. I think the worst thing is that it was all my fault - I know I am the one who screwed it up which makes me so regretful. If I hadn’t been so silly we could have made a go of it. But of course there’s no telling if it would have worked out long term. We live different lives now.

OP - the fact that you had a number of opportunities to get together with this guy but didn’t properly do so tells me it wasn’t meant to be. You weren’t star-crossed lovers. First love is very powerful and I think you’re romanticising it now because the daily grind is a bit humdrum. Daily life often is a bit humdrum. But most people don’t settle down with their first love and for good reason - we grow and change a lot in our 20s and the person who suited us in our teens is often not right for later years.

Look for the romance in the daily grind. Personally I think it’s amazing that my DH and I have been going through the daily grind together for nearly 25 years, making a lot of mistakes along the way, but we still find things to talk and laugh about. I bet you could see the same in your real relationship if you looked.

@MinnieMerlot I think you're blaming yourself too much. He could have waited or asked you what you meant. He could have left the new woman when he knew you were single again. I don't know the details nor do I expect you to write everything that happened but try not to blame yourself too much... when it's meant to be, and when the other person wants to be with us it works and it happens.

If you'd ever had to actually parent and sort out daily life realities with a dreamy muso you'd be very swiftly out of limerance and into resentful fury 😂

I'd maybe suspect this is less about him and more about your own life? Do you have any creative/fun outlets?

I am 40 too and obsessed over my first love for the best part of my 20s & 30s, even though I have an amazing other half. I couldn't stop thinking about the 'what ifs' and that it was meant to be, and it drove me crazy.

Therapy, and going cold turkey on looking her up on social media/stopping chatting with her helped (she lives in another country).

The truth is, you don't love 'him' as you don't know him. You love the idea of him and perhaps what he represents - youth, freedom and a carefree life.

The mind doesn't like unanswered questions. If you had stayed with him when you were young until now, or had got back together with him at some point and it had lasted, eventually it would have settled into exactly the relationship that you have with your DH now. Or, it may not have worked at all, which is more likely given the evidence. What I'm saying is you already have what you are looking for - the rest is just fantasy and escapism.

It's very easy for someone to seem perfect and exciting and better when they are not a reality. It's like comparing your everyday home life with a holiday - of course the holiday is more appealing, because it's an escape from normality. But it you stayed on the holiday permanently, eventually that would become normality.

Try to let it go, and appreciate the lovely life & family it sounds like you have x