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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Competitive best friend who looks down on me

20 replies

Anxiousy · 31/01/2023 22:17

how Do you cope with this kind of friendship? We’ve known each other since uni days but I’m finding her increasingly insufferable with her need to one up me on everything!

when DH and I moved to a nicer area than where we used to live, she constantly quizzed me on the cost of the house, what renovations we were doing, how we were going to cope financially. She directly told me that she was surprised we could afford where we moved! Since then she’s done her own renovations to her home which oddly look similar to our own.

she also used to scold and look down on my own parenting skills and my school mum social circles. She thought my mum friends were either bitchy or chavvy when I used to tell her about situations on the school playground. I always had a sense of balance with my friendships.

Since her DD has recently joined reception, all the things she used to sneer at me doing she’s now copied. She enjoys boasting that she’s too busy to see me and our other girlfriend due to ‘being forced to go to yet another trampoline party’.

of course, these friends are all solicitors, doctors or work in the media and again I’ve noticed now she is in a new clique of her own school mums, she doesn’t involve me, despite me inviting her on my own nights out with my mum friends.

im going through a really tough time in my marriage, not that she knows about. If she did I'm sure I’d get patronised.

not sure why I’m still friends with her. I think I wanted to vent on here as I feel used and cast aside. Does anyone have a similar experience? How did you cope with this kind of friendship? Why does she do this? It really grates my gears when she drops in a brag about not being to see me due to DD latest attendance at a pool party! Please help!

OP posts:
Caramac555 · 31/01/2023 22:22

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I think she sounds insecure to be honest.

Sometimes you just grow apart.

whirlyswirly · 31/01/2023 22:24

Urgh. Sorry op. These types are frenemies and best very gently phased out in my experience.

I'm having a nightmare with one currently who I didn't see through quickly enough. She's making a very good attempt at harming my career.

Where there is jealousy and competition, there just can't be a healthy friendship.

BridieConvert · 31/01/2023 22:32

h*ow do you cope with this type of friendship?
*
You don't - the best thing to do for your own sake is just to walk away from it.

Anxiousy · 31/01/2023 22:45

Thanks for the reassurance. It’s hard dealing with her, I do agree it’s like a frenemie situation. @whirlyswirly that’s tough, why are they like this? Why be insecure? I’ve never given her a reason to be this competitive and patronising.

@BridieConvert @Caramac555 our DHs are now best friends so it’s not as easy to drop her. I don’t really keep in touch but when she does text (after deliberately leaving mine unread for ages), there is usually a greeting, a desire to catch up over at hers (never mine now) but she’s not sure as her diary is so busy - why f@cking bother getting in touch and asking then?!

I just wish I could say something that doesn’t make me look a) petty b) feel inferior.

OP posts:
Angelbunny34 · 31/01/2023 22:46

Agree with PP - you don’t.

I used to get a huge amount of anxiety trying to keep up with judgey old friends from school. I would often think if I had met these people as adults, I would never chose to hang out with them. Ultimately, I realised I was only maintaining these relationships for nostalgia sake and they weren’t actually adding anything positive to my life. I didn’t want to make a song and dance by cutting them off so I just slowly phased them out and I have to say, I’m much happier for it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/01/2023 22:48

You don’t like her, she appears not to like you. You aren’t friends you are just people who have hung out for years. Get rid.

Merlott · 31/01/2023 22:49

You didn't do anything wrong. She is a nasty bully looking for a victim and you were unlucky enough to be picked.

Cut her off without a backward glance. Spend time with other people and develop good quality relationships

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/01/2023 22:50

You can hold her at arms length even if your partners are friends. Just be indifferent, say hi at gatherings, don’t meet up with her on your own. This isn’t hard, you aren’t kids anymore.

Anxiousy · 31/01/2023 22:51

@Angelbunny34 true she gives me huge anxiety and inferiority.

with my relationship issues and some of my other friends are having their own marriage or family crises, female friendship is feeling thin on the ground at the moment. Her recently getting back in touch with her boasts has made me feel quite depresssed.

OP posts:
Anxiousy · 31/01/2023 22:59

@Luredbyapomegranate how do I deal with her texts? Just ignore? I feel rude not replying.

@Merlott interesting you say that as she’d be mortified to be accused of that. Everything is said with niceness and perceived kindness but with condescension thrown in!

grateful for replies, good to talk about as DH thinks she’s lovely and I’m unreasonable.

Holding on to good girlfriends is hard!

OP posts:
itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 22:59

I had a friend like this in school and we drifted apart in sixth form. I realised we were only friends at school cause we went to the same building at the same time… we are nothing alike! Her need to one up everything was intense. She would also copy everything I did, her social media was a mirror of mine.

She single-handedly made me not want to bother with friendships like that ever again, so I don’t. One-uppers end up in the acquaintance box. I don’t entertain them. Or if I do entertain them, I jokingly call them out on their lies as they tend to exaggerate and not match up their stories from one conversation to the next.

whirlyswirly · 31/01/2023 23:00

Don't let her near your other friends. Stop inviting her into your circle. It gives her power she doesn't deserve.

Being around her isn't helping you so I'd be unavailable if she tries to arrange something. Make something up if necessary and take yourself on a day out.

Once you're not spending energy thinking about her, you'll make room for new friends.

whirlyswirly · 31/01/2023 23:02

Delay responding to texts or just be breezy. You don't need to be rude but nor do you need to jump when she clicks her fingers.

itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 23:04

Sorry but if her husband is best friends with your husband, she will likely choose your husband’s “side” if you tell her about relationship issues. She won’t be the support you need.

I think you can stay acquaintances with her, just don’t get drawn into anything further with her. You know what to expect with her now.

Bertha21 · 31/01/2023 23:10

I have a similar situation. I have gradually backed off. I still contact from time to time but no where near like I used to. Similar with money/questioning. Life seems like a competition. I have realised she is quite a unhappy person. But taking it out on me isn’t really the answer.

Anxiousy · 31/01/2023 23:16

@itswednesdayy that has literally happened, she took his side. she has texted my DH about our family issues and not discussed with me. I was her friend initially.

Similarly when DH and I got together she often made digs about how sorry she felt for him having me as a girlfriend! Never understood why she was like that.

I’ve not recently confided as she doesn’t acknowledge my struggles, she’s just not a great friend is she? I’ll keep it breezy in future. I don’t think she does like me very much which is totally depressing - it’s hard to realise the friendship has been dead for a long time.

OP posts:
Caramac555 · 01/02/2023 08:36

Are you sure she isn't more interested in your husband than you?!

Wibblewibble1 · 01/02/2023 08:48

You need to get “casual” with this friend. Don’t text her, let her text you. If she is busy just reply “ok let me know.” Be casual, not bothered and basically stop feeding into it.
she is Insecure and jealous of you, so you have to options, keep her at arms length or confront t her by saying “ we have been friends for so long, and I always want the best for you, but why are you being so nasty to me?”
I suspect you would have said that already if you were going to, so I would keep her at bay and act casual. Stop inviting her out with your friends too - they are not her mates, she has picked her mates and they are all people she can feel superior with, so OP don’t get involved!

Anxiousy · 01/02/2023 09:11

@Caramac555 tbh she can have him the way I’m feeling at the moment!

@Wibblewibble1 not sure why she is jealous of me she earns far more and lives in a trendy area, she is a real social climber -think the blonde lady in motherland! She used to organise our nights out but she’s gradually moved away from doing that now she’s found better mates.

it hurts though as we used to be really close. Don’t feel I have anything in common with her now. I will ignore the texts as usually they rile me with snippets of her perceived fantastic life! It’s not nice being made to feel inadequate and inferior when I know I’m not.

OP posts:
bjrce · 01/02/2023 09:20

Yes, but the thing is - she's making you feel shit about yourself.

Don't speak to your DH about her anymore - Let him off with the best friend - become Busy & unavailable!

She sounds like the kind of person who thrives on keeping people down with her passive aggressive comments.

I used to have a friend like this - I realised she only contacted me when she needed something - I phased her out.

Ultimately these people are insecure you need to make her irrelevant!

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