Life after leaving abusive relationship - any positive stories?

[MyDogLucy]

I've posted before about my relationship with my husband. For a long time I blamed myself for the issues - his head was turned and he looked elsewhere because I wasn't good enough, didn't make enough effort, etc etc. He used to lose his temper because I'd wound him up and was messy, didn't do things right. You know how it is. It's taken a long time but I've finally realised this is an abusive relationship and probably has been for a long time. I've been seeing a local domestic abuse service and have a support worker who has helped me to see that just because there isn't physical violence, its still abuse and I still deserve help.

I'm finally at the point where I've accepted this can't be fixed. I need to get out of this relationship. Not only because I deserve happiness and to be treated with respect, but also because I don't want my children to think this is a normal relationship. At the beginning of this year I actually felt like the only way out was to end my life and it's made me realise how important it is to get out of this relationship as quickly as possible. It's just scary. This is all I've ever known. I've never been single as an adult.

I suppose what I'm asking for is other positive stories and experiences. Even though I know it's the right thing to do, I'm so scared of being on my own. I'm in my 30s with two kids (secondary school age). I'm a bit worried I'll never meet anyone else but I know I can't let that keep me in a situation I've been unhappy in for so long. I hate silence and being on my own. I get so lonely when there's no one else in the house, I have to constantly have background music or the TV on. I know it's much lonelier staying in a bad relationship though. Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation but is a bit further down the line who can reassure me that it gets easier and isn't scary forever?

I think it's important to recognise that when you're on your own, you have a fully responsible, capable, loving adult with you who can take care of you in the exact same way you take care of your children: you. Your emotional needs can be met, your physical needs can be met, your psychological needs can be met, and you can even have cake.

Recognise that the scared part of you is a child. Look after that 'you' as if you were looking after a child. What does she need? What would help her feel better? What would make her feel safe? Give her these things.

This will be the 'mind' you looking after the 'heart' you. This will be the 'mind' you respecting the 'heart' you. This will be your thoughts respecting your feelings, and that would be your new found self respect. When the person you are looks after and respects you, you won't need the sounds in the background to drown anything out.

I did this after a series of abusive relationships. It worked, and now I am in a healthy relationship, having been in a healthy relationship with myself for a few years. It's life changing. On a lighter note, the child in me wanted a hell of a lot of Minstrels in order to feel loved. I put on a bit of weight but I've lost it again now, and she doesn't keep asking for them any more because she feels safe, now. I look after her in other ways. Give yours whatever she needs to feel heard, loved, and nurtured. She'll calm down with her demands after a while, in the same way a child stops having a tantrum when they feel like you've really started listening to them.

Hi, I'm 10 months out of an abusive relationship. Without a doubt the best thing I have ever done. Choice kind of took of my hands,he attacked me and was removed by police. I'm now pleased he did. We were together 17 years, since our teens, I've never had another relationship. I've a DS 3. I hated being alone. I went from my family home to living with him,it took a while but I'm used to it now. I actually enjoy it. The peace is more preferable to the shouting, name calling and random rants. I take time for myself, baths, watching movies, treating myself to a takeaway or my favourite meal. I see friends and family when I can. There's a thread on here I comment on under the telly addicts section, since no one I know irl watches emmerdale
You will sit and wallow for a while, that's when you'll be at your most vulnerable and it'll be very hard not to go back. But take it one day at a time, one hour at a time and you'll get there. Don't think about future relationships yet, you need to be happy with yourself first.
Get out of this as soon as you can.

I'm 7 months and 6 days out. I have one child.

It does get better. As CoffeeLover said, the ability to just do what you want, when you want, and not suffer any repercussions, is an amazing feeling. Autonomy basically. It can feel scary at first especially if your abuser is/was extremely controlling.

I am still dealing with the trauma bond. I'm relearning what I like and what makes me happy. The abuse my child and I suffered was quite extreme, but we at least have our feet on the path to healing and it is a lot better than treading on eggshells constantly.

For me the challenging part has been dealing with the many organisations and authorities since we left. It has been very time consuming and can be retriggering.

I think it is worth considering doing something like the Freedom Programme or your local DV organisation's equivalent as it will help you avoid meeting someone abusive in the future. It also helps to understand the relationship you were in.

Yip. Me. I'm a long term user but I've name changed.

15 years free, I've a lovely partner, a degree and a masters, professional qualifications and I'm a highest rate tax payer.

Posted too soon.

All from nothing.

All my own hard work.

It's the best thing I've ever done.

Me. No regrets whatsoever! I love my life. It’s not perfect but I’m content and feel at peace.
Can’t be bothered with another relationship right now. If I could find a man who actually added something to my life then maybe I’d reconsider.
freedom is the best!

I was on my own for years. And I learnt where to put my boundaries. Cross them at your peril.

I'm a bit happy on champagne coz I just got promoted today so apologies if I'm wittering on

I am 3 and half years free.
When I left I was 32 with 2 kids under 5.
I left penniless, homeless, jobless and without a car as he was very financially controlling.
I rent a lovely house, got myself a job that I love, got in a relationship with a wonderful man who I am now engaged to. I bought myself a new car and we are saving a deposit for our own place. My nervous system is no longer shot to shit and I can actually relax. I feel happier than I have done in many, many years.
It took a long time to get over, I had counselling, EMDR therapy and got diagnosed with cPTSD but the nightmares have finally stopped and I am no longer scared of him.
I did the freedom programme and educated myself on abuse which helped me to understand that it wasn't my fault.
I've made new friends and rebuilt bridges with people I thought I lost through his isolation.
My kids still have contact, and whilst I find his behaviour mildly irritating sometimes, he no longer triggers me. My eldest is starting to make her own mind up about her dad but overall they're much happier as I don't have to parent a third child!!

Honestly, nothing feels better than freedom.
Good luck with it, and remember to be kind to yourself. The abuse is not your fault and things will get better

I don't want to hijack this thread, but just wondering how you all coped with custody battles?

@Anonymices me too!

I asked an abusive ex to leave a couple of years ago but I am having a horrid time as he takes me through the family court system :(

Still better than living with him though!

Hi,

If you search my username, you might find a post from a couple of years ago - I was scared, confused and a shell of my former self. I drew on this group to help me leave, I also updated it some time after.

My children are grown up and I was only with him for a few years so our situations are sort of different but it was coercive control and abuse and, with hindsight, I felt better within hours of leaving.

I am now my own best friend. I showed my daughter the right thing to do (eventually) and I'm so much happier - still taking anti depressants otherwise I still get a little anxious pain in my chest.

These things are traumatic, you are being brave - and I promise that for me life is immeasurably better. It's amazing how used to a shit situation you can get.

So draw on us and be your own best friend and show your kids how to deal with bad situations. Even if some things turn out not quite as you expect, surely most things are better than what you are putting yourself through now.

Sending love and wishing I could give you a big squeeze xx

Firstly I found that I was very happy after it ended. This huge burden had been lifted from me and I just focused on DC and myself. I became a much calmer more relaxed mother to DC as I didn’t have constant stress hormones going through my body.
For a long time relationships weren’t on my radar. I didn’t trust my judgment anymore as my confidence was completely shattered.
Most of the time I am okay after it, but every now again he will do something that makes me relive it all.
I did meet someone ( someone I had feelings for before I met Ex). We now have two DC together and I have never felt more loved, respected or safe before. When we were dating I was definitely on the lookout for reg flags like little ‘jokes’ meant as criticism. As DC and myself were perfectly happy then I was determined that no one would jeopardise that and a new person had to be a good addition to our lives. I wasn’t looking for a relationship as I was content and happy in myself so I would have been fine staying single.
An uncertain future is scary but you will be okay. You will find out that you’re far tougher and more resilient than you ever imagined. Your husband is holding you back from living a happy life.