Need to talk about my Narc mother

[NameforNarcDM]

Hello everyone, i have name changed as didn't want to post under my usual name.

I need to get it off my chest about my mother who i have come to learn is a narcissist who is jealous of any relationship i have with my own family. She is now on week 3 of the silent treatment to me and my two teenage dcs for doing absolutely nothing wrong. We simply went out mid-January to a restaurant with myself, my dc, my ex-dh (their dad,) my mother and my dsis and bil. I asked my ds at the meal on Saturday night if he wanted to go and have brunch Sunday (on his actual birthday) and my mother chimed in "oh that'll be nice, where shall we go?" inviting herself along. I said to her i just wanted it to be me and ds, to which she acted all offended and said "oh, well i'll miss out as usual then." (She doesn't miss out.)

She's getting worse and has a history of falling out/not speaking to people for no apparent reason, makes us feel guilty if we make plans without her, moans about people constantly/has a very negative mindset. If you ever try and pull her up on anything she will deny/sulk/get defensive and in the end you end up not saying anything because it's not worth the upset.

The history is very long and complicated so i'll just give you some points about it as obviously i could be here all day writing.

• Our dad left when my sis and i were 6 and 2 and my mother brought us up. We have 2 older brothers from my mothers first marriage but they lived with their dad as my mother left them with him when she met/married our dad. She sees one of my brothers now regularly but not the other.
• When i was a child, even though our dad used to come and take us out, my mother used to tell me that my dad (not my sis) was this famous 70s band member she knew (who no one ever met). I recall being confused as a child and as i got older just went along with it and it's never been spoken about. She also changed our surname when we were really small to be the surname of this famous band member.
• When i was 9 we moved house and she used that as an excuse to cut us off completely from our father and all family members on my fathers side who we saw regularly (think cousin/aunties etc.) Although i found them again as an adult through FB (which my mother said "don't let that lot find you"), the bond was never the same because so much time has passed. They are lovely people too, my mother had no reason to cut them off.
• Through finding them through fb, i also found contact with my father but he's very in and out like he always was. I have come to expect nothing from his except the odd conversation.
• My mother fell out with her own mother back in the 1980s and never spoke to her, meaning i never got to have a relationship with my maternal grandmother growing up and as an adult my mother had such a guilt trip on me i never felt like i could go and look her up. By the time i did, i learned that she died a few years ago (old age.)
• My mother has no relationship with her brother (my uncle) at all and her other brother passed away 20 years ago.
• My mother doesn't like me and my sis getting along, she used to stir between us so we would then fall out, until we decided to stand firm and not her stir, which my mother doesn't like and appears jealous of our relationship. My sis has a very strained relation with her and is 'polite' on the occasions she sees her, although my mother went 4 years between 2016 and 2020 of not speaking to her, this was for no reason at all. My sis doesn't have any dc (by choice) and we think i only get spoken to because i had dc who are the only grandchildren for our mum.
• She's made us feel guilty about her bringing us up and "all the sacrifices she's made." My sis has always been more independent and done her own thing whereas i always felt more the burden to please her as i'm more sensitive and quiet. My mother hates me having friends and thrives if i've drifted apart from someone. She gets on with my kids dad ok but they've had their moments.
• She has never said i love you or given any hugs/affection and when she's been in the presence of one of us in tears, she does the housework (although i figured that's how she thinks she "helping")
• She went through a phase where if she phoned/text and i didn't answer (because i was busy) she would call my dc to see "what's mum doing?" which i found intrusive. When i asked her to stop doing that she went into a sulk.

So to the present day she is in her third week of silence. I have never let it go this long before and it's really affecting me. It's not a case of "just phone her," because if i did (like i have in the past) she will just answer "what's up?" and act like nothing has happened, thus everything and her behaviour gets swept under the carpet (again.)
It makes me feel really sad to think i'll most likely never have a "normal" mother like others (i'm generalising) and the burden of guilt she puts on me all of the time is really affecting my mental state. Sorry if this is long but i needed to get it off my chest.

My mother is a foul narcissist. I have spent my adult life in therapy and have now largely got her in her place, although she still manages to upset me sometimes. I found Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride, about the relationship between narcissistic mother and their daughters quite life changing. Also ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ by Lindsay C Gibson. And definitely look up the ‘Stately Homes’ thread on here. The first step to healing it it recognising it. I’m sorry but no, you probably will never have a normal relationship with your mother. That’s a devastating truth to come to terms with and mine keeps catching me out when she’s nice because I think it’s going to last. I find the gas lighting particularly hard to deal with. I wish I could give you hope but the best I can say is read all you can, go to therapy if you haven’t, use the support on here, especially Stately Homes and protect yourself. Also look into Grey Rock if you haven’t discovered it already. It is possible to put her largely in her box but it takes a great deal of soul searching and heartache. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this but you can make improvements, even if that ultimately means low or no contact.

Op its crap have it myself. Moods for days when we go on holidays. Its horrible. I think reading your post these people dont change. Its very draining

Thank you, I'll look at that thread

When my dm flounced out of my home I didn't hear from her for 10 years!!
Bliss. Managed a short spell of relationship then I regretted it. Been 11 years again now. And won't be going back for more.
Enjoy the peace I say and leave her to stew op.

Hope you are feeling better today OP. We’ve all been there. So hugs for you. I found the books mentioned up thread very helpful.

Most of us with Narc mothers will recognise most of what you posted in some shape or form. Falling out with family/friends, jealousy over relationships , nosiness, trying to influence DGC, stirring trouble between siblings, unwillingness to discuss conflict or difficult issues, a childless (by choice) daughter, infidelity, inability to possess discretion are all things common with my own Mother.

Until I had children and although I had resultant trust issues, I probably didn’t think about how fucked up up her behaviour was but as my DD grew older I started to grieve for my inner child. You need to take time to grieve for the mother you deserved, not the one you got. I also cannot imagine doing the things my mother did to me to my own child. It was very upsetting to relieve a lot of those feelings. I also felt very angry at my Dad (or any adult who could see what was happening) for not stepping in and protecting me. Years later when I read school records it was clear that Teachers had noticed something was amiss. That was vindicating but still pretty difficult to deal with.

Moving forward, I discovered these threads on Mumsnet (incl the stately homes thread which I’d encourage you to read) and then a lot fell into place. Reading that I was not alone helped. It is a shameful childhood burden to not be liked by your own mother and finding other people who had been through the same experience helped. Reading about Narcissists helped. Grey rocking my mother whoever I saw her helped. Low contact for me and my daughter helped enormously (although I have been punished by being cut out of the Will, also classic narc behaviour 🙄). Realising I’ll never post a lovely SM post about the relationship with my mother is sad, but then again my own DD posts lovely things about me so I’ll take that. My mother had a shitty childhood and gave the same to me. She is weak. I’ve had a shitty childhood and given my DD everything materially and emotionally that I did not receive. She has stability and nurturing in her life. I have broken the cycle. Most of all, becoming successful and living life to the full with my DH, DD and with my band of friends who genuinely are my sisters is the best ‘revenge’. It drives my mother insane with jealousy as she has no ability to retain friends.

What you are processing is very normal so take time to look after yourself emotionally. Keep posting if it helps. No judgement here.

My mum is similar. Cut all contact with her a while back and will never have anything to do with her again. Life is easier now.

It sounds like she is a very bitter woman who is disgruntled with the way her life panned out.

Thank you 😊 I have ordered the "Will I ever be good enough" book, and I'm going to look at that stately homes thread. It will help reading stories of people who have experiences and are still still experiencing it now.

Drop the rope and leave her to it OP. She will not change, not now.

If its "her way or the highway", take the highway and get away from her.