Advice on how to tolerate MIL?

[Autumnflakes]

I know there's a weekly MIL bashing thread and I have posted on AIBU about mine before. But i'm hoping this thread might have suggestions on how I can get over my 'ick' towards her as i'm finding that I have anxiety the week commencing a visit/outing with her. Me and DP are getting married this year, and while she's in her 70's i'm preempting that she's going to be in our lives for quite a few years to come...

The way she sulks/wails/cries whenever something doesn't go in her way - I feel it's a manipulative technique but it drives me mad. DP called her at midnight on NYE and she started an argument/hysterically crying as she missed him (she is happily married to FIL and had her sister over for NYE but was 'very upset' that we didn't want to spend NYE with her!) She's always moaning, always glass half full and just a real negative energy.

She always wanted to know the ins and outs of our business. She's asked countless times about my finances/private matters/doesn't seem to understand basic etiquette. She doesn't get the 'hint' when there's something I don't want to talk about. If I tell her that I don't want to/don't feel comfortable talking about/she's best talking to DP about something she goes off on a sulk or hysterically cries at DP as she just wants us to be close.

We have nothing in common apart from her son. I really just cannot stand her and being in the same room as her makes my skin crawl. How can I get over this?

(My DP isn't a massive fan of her either and did give me a full low down before we got together on how difficult she is).

Can you just go low contact and your Dh goes to see her but you don’t?

The sulking etc is absolutely a form of control.

Explain to your husband what the provoke is, how it makes you feel and how you want him to resolve it. Do this without criticising him.

I agree, just step back from phone calls, visits, discussion etc.

It is not your fault his mother is like this and neither you or he made her that way. This is solely her issue.

Your man is key here. How does he see relations between his parents and he pan out after you are married?. Do you feel he is able to stand up for himself as well as you?. Does he want to lower contact further before the wedding?.

What is his father/your FIL like here?. He gets but the briefest of mentions. I would assume he is happily married to his wife because of self preservation and a want of a quiet life. He likely also enables her.

What are his boundaries like with regards to his mother?. At the very least the two of you need to present a united front when it comes to his mother. What happens if or when you and he become parents; would you want his mother or father present in your kids lives?. Likely not.

Would also read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as a starting point.

Does your partner agree that his mother's behaviour is controlling and therefore abusive?.

You would not tolerate this from a friend and nowhere does it state you have to at all tolerate this behaviour from your MIL.

She sounds like my own mother. For that reason I have limited contact with her. You don’t need to tolerate anything you’re not comfortable with just because of who someone is.

Thread is from January, peeps.

I really understand where you are coming from Autumnflakes. My MIL is the same (in 20 years, haven't found a way to deal with her!) She is obsessed with controlling every bit of every person. We literally fight her off daily. Phone calls every date, where all she does is demand we visit. Its a cycle, as soon as we give in and go, the cycle starts again. Every time we have been in 20 years, she has started been very, very aggressive towards me.
Here is what we do:
Only pick up every 3rd call
only visit every 3rd demand
visit is time limited (can't go out, she bellows at us in the street), can't go on public transport for the same reason.
DH has to stay with me the whole time and when she becomes abusive, he tells her to stop (took 5 times on Sunday!)
We hold the phone away/put it on table when she is abusive (you can hear her barking at the top of her voice from the other side of the room!).
We don't discuss her between visits
She has in the past, demanded the police come round when we don't take her calls, telling them I was neglecting DH or DD/DS! but I told her she'd only see the children in a contact centre if she did that again, so that worked.
These toxic people are out there, and most of us don't have the skill to deal with them, so we just try to hang on to our sanity.

Actually I’m glad this thread has been resurrected as I’m still struggling with my MIL issue.

A lot has happened since I started this thread. I guess I could feel an earthquake that was about to happen.

MIL went from giving me the ICK… to well… being absolutely unhinged! Far too much to explain but she ended up giving DP an ultimatum of picking me or her as she was ‘sick of him always taking my side’ and that was just about wedding plans. She wanted us to have silk flowers but I wanted fresh (and we were paying for our wedding too!) she also had a tantrum when we went for a private 9week scan as we sent her a picture saying all was well… she ignored DP for a couple of days and wanted an apology as she wanted to be ‘involved’ in our pregnancy.

A lot has happened, I’ve gone NC with her whilst pregnant as all of her shit was causing unnecessary stress. DP has realised she’s unhinged and doesn’t particularly like her but having a LC relationship with her out of duty.

I can never be civil with this woman again as I either see her as a dick head/nutcase/narcissist or just someone that makes my skin crawl.

how on earth will Xmas play out in future? I really just can’t imagine ever being in the same room as her again, let alone making small talk with her. We tried grey rock which failed miserably but even that is too much.

Stick with low contact. Be a united front with DH. We tried one Christmas with in-laws. Never again.