Hi,
I’m in an awful predicament. I honestly don’t know what to do about it and have come here to ask for advice on what you would do…
I am married to a man who is coming up 41 years old. I met him on my year out from university when I was about 21. I’ll be 31 the month after him so there is a 10 year age gap. He has an older, unmarried sister (who doesn’t seem interested in men - used to be a Catholic nun) and his elderly father. His mum (who was a lovely lady) died last year from heart disease, aged 74. She died on our wedding anniversary and the funeral was the day after my 30th birthday!! It was all a horrible time! She had suffered with her health for years.
Anyway, we get on ok and like doing similar things/have similar outlooks on life. The bedroom department is another matter. In fact, anything to do with affection is another matter! He is a lovely person though and I know that I can always trust him. He is loyal and always will be. He only ever had one girlfriend and he lived at home with his parents before I came along and we ended up buying a house together.
We married when I was 25 and him 36. My siblings are older than him (I was an accidental baby). They had both left home by the time I was 7. Both of
my siblings said he was too
old for me and that I could’ve done better. My parents divorced when I was 8 and my father didn’t make much attempt to keep in touch with me/spend time with me and I ended up not seeing him at all from the age of about 11. He died when I was 26 (I didn’t invite him to the registry office wedding). So, I was raised by my mother who is now 70 and suffers ill health herself (and can be difficult).
I had always been quiet in my teens and avoided boys like the plague but, at 19, was charmed from my cocoon by a much older man (35!!). Extremely good looking and fit with words to charm the clouds from the sky. Like I said, I had never been with a guy and not even had a boyfriend! I was more interested in carving out a career to escape where I was living (on a horrid council estate). I did well at university (1st) and, literally, walked into my chosen career the week after I left university.
Anyway, my long protected virginity went to the 35 year old. I was in love! Yeah, course I was! It was, literally, a couple of quickies in the car. Looking back, I realise how bad this was and not the way I’d thought I’d lose it (although I’m sure lots of other people did it the same way). I was besotted with this man. Limerence, I think although I had never heard of the word back then. Turned out he had a girlfriend at his home village who was 8 months pregnant (I was told by someone who felt sorry for me)!!! That was the end of that! I was distraught! He saw me distraught too. I felt used and betrayed and realised what a fool I’d been. It was a very bad experience for a young girl who had always so fiercely protected her virginity for the ‘right one’. I was so bad that I had to step back from my studies for a while (a year). I couldn’t function properly. I never told my mother what happened. I told no-one. I had to have the morning after pill and the GP gave me a strict telling off (he knew I was studying in the medical field). I threw up for two solid days after taking that pill!!!
My husband was the next man in my life. He wasn’t as attractive but he was a nice person and, like I said, we get on well and do similar things in life. He was nice to chat to and had a very safe and secure feel to him. HOWEVER, as each day goes on, I am starting to realise I am not attracted to him sexually. Sex is just boring with him. He doesn’t appear to be very affectionate/passionate anyway (and, tbh, I push him away a lot). Our marriage is becoming sexless. I am a passionate woman (well, I feel like I am but I a feel like I can’t be with him) and am starting to realise that I’m going to live in a sexless marriage deprived of passion and affection. On all other fronts, everything is fine. To the outside world, everything is fine! Nobody knows. I can’t tell a soul - not even my mum! He doesn’t really complain (he doesn’t seem to be that sexual anyway) but says that’s it’s my fault we don’t have sex. He doesn’t once think that I might not be attracted to him! I don’t find him attractive - that’s the issue. He suffers with really bad psoriasis on his head too which is a turn off in itself. When he kisses it’s awful and does nothing for me (we have stopped that too). But, he is a nice man and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I feel trapped and feel my hands are tied. It would shatter him if I left or called it a day. We have a good life, and future ahead, but it’s becoming clear the marriage is missing something and something big. I can’t change the way I feel. It is deep rooted. I am, physically, turned off by him. I wonder what it’ll be like in ten years time when I’m 40 and he is 50. Maybe he is too old for me? He does look older than he is too.
Have I made a mistake? I’m very aware that I lack experience and haven’t ‘played the field’ with others.
I really don’t want to hurt him (he is a gentle soul) but there is just nothing there for me and I am worried the effect it’ll have on me long term. Please don’t suggest counselling as I am physically not attracted to him. You can lead a horse ti water and all that! The light isn’t on either - if you know what I mean!!!
I am 30 years old and entering a convent! That’s what it feels like!