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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sister's partner has cheated - advice please

19 replies

Purplegreenblanket · 30/01/2023 23:29

Hi all

My sister's long term partner has just revealed that he has been having an emotional affair with a woman on the other side of the world that he met online, for over 2 years. I am heartbroken and furious for her. They were weeks away from closing on the purchase of their first house. He thinks he's 'in love' and is going to move to be with this woman (it's impossible as far as I can see).

I want to support her in whatever way I can, but I feel so helpless. She thinks her life is over, ruined, and that she'll never trust anyone again. She has also lost a chunk of her savings in solictor fees etc from planned house purchase.

Can anyone who has been in this situation advise me on how best to support her? What about practical advice? Is it wanted? She's barely eating or sleeping, and crying non stop.

For reference, we are both mid 30s, my sister has no children.

OP posts:

maddy68 · 30/01/2023 23:30

Keep out of it

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 30/01/2023 23:30

That's really tough for her. Okay it by ear as far as support is concerned - she will need different support on different days.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 30/01/2023 23:31

Play it by ear, that should say.

WeepingSomnambulist · 30/01/2023 23:32

maddy68 · 30/01/2023 23:30

Keep out of it

What the fuck? Her sister's marriage is over and your advise is to just keep out of it?

So, if your sister was going through this youd what? Answer the phone and say "nothing to do with me, we can talk again when you're all better." Really?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/01/2023 23:32

It sounds horrible but you need to stay out of it. Just offer a cuppa and an ear and a hug.

At least she found out before the house purchase went through. Did he not contribute anything?

Original poster

Purplegreenblanket · 30/01/2023 23:44

Thanks for the replies. He's not contributed much financially, most of the savings are hers, but his family was helping them out.

They'd been together 15 years - I just can't believe it. She's not angry yet, just devastated.

OP posts:

3487642l · 30/01/2023 23:57

Your sister will probably be experiencing shock and grief. It sounds like you are too, though to a lesser extent. First, find some outlets for your feelings so your sister doesn't need to manage yours as well as hers. Then you can be present to listen to and affirm her feelings, that's probably the most helpful thing you can do.

Try to hold the big picture that your sister may not be able to see; that she will get through this and her life will be okay in the end. It may not be helpful to say these things right now as they may feel like hurtful platitudes, so validate her feelings but know in your heart that she will get through it.

If she is in deep grief she may not be able to make decisions, so turn up with meals or turn up with a bag and offer to stay the night and observe how she responds. If you offer more she can say no thanks but it might be hard for her to think to ask for help. Also don't offer or do anything more than you are willing to do so you don't feel resentful or need to cancel on her. Make it clear she can ask you for what she needs and that your will listen, so she can start to make requests as she is able.

Your sister is lucky to have you and the way your care for her. I know my sister is my rock because of how she has helped me when I have really needed it.

Ronnii · 31/01/2023 00:00

It's hard, the certainty in her life of being with this man, buying together is gone, that version of her life is over. But life isn't over, it's the start of a new chapter, when she's ready.
She may not want to hear any positives but you wanting to be there will hopefully bring her some comfort

Duckingella · 31/01/2023 00:09

That's so shit but be thankful there's no kids or a owned house involved.

It's likely to all come crashing down for your sisters ex;the reality will be different from the fantasy but that's entirely his problem.

I think the most frustrating part here is that we have another moron of a man who's been wasting a woman's best child bearing years only to feck off with another woman.

I sincerely hope your sister meets a decent man after this faithless cretin.

Clara84 · 31/01/2023 00:10

At this point, there isn't much you can do but just keep reassuring.

All you can do is turn up, sit with her, take her food, make her tea. Just being there while she goes over it in her head (and she will likely need to keep going over and over it for quite a while to come).

You can provide practical support - exchanging of stuff, helping with any packing.

Really just making sure she doesn't feel entirely abandoned and alone - will be the thing that helps her through.

She must be devastated. How awful.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 31/01/2023 01:06

As they're not married and they haven't purchased the house hopefully there are no legal issues which need sorting.

Is there any way your DSis can proceed with the house purchase on her own? Or does it financially need two incomes?

Other that that, if she brings up finances reassure her that this break up won't be as costly as it would have been had they been married. Legal fees in dividing assets would be huge.

Emotionally, she must be absolutely distraught. He lied to her for 2 years. Reassure her that this is HIS failing, that she is strong and that she WILL get through this.

TOclock · 31/01/2023 07:15

I think this is a blessing in disguise for your sister. They didn't complete on the property and they don't have children. Yes it's difficult but he has shown his true colours sooner than later.
Support her as best you can but help her see that she is in a good position to heal herself and move on.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/01/2023 07:22

Just be there for her as she processes this

shes going to be devastated for quite a while

i also agree that it’s best it happened now before marriage and before kids

I also agree this emotional affair might not come to much

the ‘no contact’ for her is critical , she needs to try and cut him off in totality

Beamur · 31/01/2023 07:35

He was looking for a way out.
In the longer run your sister has had a lucky escape too.
Help her through this - hang out, chat, plan nice things to do.
Her life is going to be different to how she thought it would be, but it's a new chapter, not the end.
One day hopefully she can look back fondly on their time together and feel acceptance for the fact he wasn't the one. Not just yet though.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 31/01/2023 07:58

TOclock · 31/01/2023 07:15

I agree.

When he realises that he's not going to move to the other side of the world to live in bliss, he's going to come crawling back to her and there's a good chance she'll take him back - but more so if they have ties like houses and children.

The best way you can help rn is tea, sympathy and taking on as much of the practical stuff you can. Get this partnership dissolved, in other words, with as little communication as possible and as quickly as possible, including sorting out the current living situation. Because when his bubble bursts, he's going to be knocking her door - you want no opportunities for long chats about how to deal with the solicitor, current land lord, etc etc.

Original poster

Purplegreenblanket · 31/01/2023 08:04

Thank you so much everyone. I brought her to stay with me last night and I'm hoping she'll stay for a few days at least.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 31/01/2023 11:13

I can't help but wonder at her choice of man and how she's allowed herself to be financially vulnerable to him. My first instinct was to laugh at him, he can't be right in the head to have persued this to the extent he thinks he's in love - it's all fantasy if he hasn't ever met her.
It doesn't sound like he has much money or sense, so she's far better off out of it.
He might just be chasing the next woman who appears to have more money he could exploit like a catfish. I'm sure if she knew his story she'd cut him off.
His plans sound far fetched for a man of limited means, and if it has come out of the blue, could it be a lie he's spun to just get out of the relationship? 2 years is a long time to hide it without showing signs.
Whatever the reason he's obviously a flawed character and she's had a lucky escape. It's sad she's spent so long on this loser, but she will be better off without him in the long run. Hopefully one day she will realise this. It's good in the meantime that she has you to support her. Perhaps financial damage limitation should be the focus to sort out a better future for her.

namechange1487 · 31/01/2023 13:14

She's in that awful limbo place where you stumble on, then make your new normal post betrayal.

Her emotions won't be rationale and probably volatile.

Just be there for her. A trusted person who won't judge. At some point try and get her busy. Not now but later down the line.

Original poster

Purplegreenblanket · 31/01/2023 19:06

Such a cliche, but I just didn't think he was the type to do this. I suppose they never are, are they. She's 35 and now seeing her hopes for children one day fading away.

OP posts:

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